Waiting for it to get better (bullied, ignored, cheated on)

[lifeanimated]

Hello Everyone,

I will try not to run on, but I am typical for over-explaining things, so if I do so, I am sorry.

I will start my story off about 26 years ago. My first day "real" school (grade 1).

I had come from a fun, entertaining summer, a camping trip with the family, and all the cartoons I could watch.

I had quite a bit of anxiety going into my first grade, it was after all the first "full day" of school.

At that point I met many new people, including what I would discover to be a major bully, hereon called "Drew".

Drew was able to see the anxiety in my face, and instantly took advantage of it, but really the bullying wasn't bad until about 4 years after that.

By that point, I spent my recesses running from Drew and his friends, usually finding safety within the bushes around the school ground, I would often lie down to hide within them. It was a rough go, because they were filled with my most hated of all insects, the earwig (they creep me out).

I distinctly remember one day, when Drew found out I had affection for one girl, he brought 6 guys out, carried me by my hands and feet in front of a congregation of kids +/- a grade or so from me, and brought me in front of her.

They then taunted her for me having affection for her, and her natural reaction was to act in total disgust, telling me I am gross, etc etc (painful words), while the entirety of the onlookers laughed.

After that they pulled me aside and beat me, I did put up a good fight, though.

This continued on through the duration of elementary/middle school. When I finally changed to a new school (High School) I thought my luck was about to turn.

So it seems it would not, Drew was still there, but after seeing how I was treated, numerous other "cool kids" decided to get on the band wagon and torment me.

I spent the remainder of my high school term with some fun nick names, which I won't repeat for the most part, but one of them was "garbage".

After I graduated high school, I was accepted into a well respected University, but my parents at that point decided to divorce, and the long standing family deal was simple, "We won't pay for a car, but we will pay for school".

That didn't happen because they were very wrapped up in their own drama, and unfortunately I did not qualify for financial aid as the household income was good, even though it was all wrapped up in lawyers, etc it did not matter, denied.

Also, growing up I seemed to always get the short end of the stick, at least within my family. I am the third of four children, and the second son (of two).

I was not the baby, I was not the first, and I was not the first son, so I got everyone's leftovers.

I really didn't live a bad life per-say, but I did have to content with my brothers hand-me-down's, and although my parents had the funding to put me in new clothes, if I got clothes, it was from a discount store (Bi-Way), or a thrift store.

My siblings all got a new bedroom set, including a new television, I was given a 25 year old matress that was a hand me down from my grandmother, who could no longer use it as she was required to be in a nursing home.

My television was a black&white 13" TV from a garage sale that my mother picked up for $10.00.

I to this day still have no idea why I was never allowed to have anything new.

moving on..

To prevent me from writing a novel, I will jump to my current issue.

I suffer from an extremely low self confidence, and I have a need to care for others before myself, in fact, I have never cared for myself.

I have recently found out my wife is having an affair, I won't give the details exactly how, but I have seen gruesome conversations depicting some very disturbing things.. and once, she even accidentally pocket dialed me, and I was on the phone listening as she continued with her lover, I could hear everything.

Right now, she denies everything, continues to lie, etc. I don't know why but I just can't leave her.

Just two days ago, I was in the hospital due to coughing up blood, they can't find much, so they are testing for both Pulmonary Oedema (Edema in US) and Lung Cancer.

When I told my wife about it, she gave some comfort, but later on in the night admitted, "I dont know why I just don't care", I said "You don't care if I live or die", her response was chilling "I dont care about anything but myself".

From speaking to a counselor, they believe this is a defense mechanism for her, to avoid crippling guilt for the action she has been performing.

She is not aware I heard her during the act, she is aware of about 80% of the evidence I do have, but continues to deny it.

I was also in the hospital for a nervous breakdown, where I was put on suicide watch (for good reason, I am holding back rough details).

Now I sit, coming to the internet for help, as if I go back with another breakdown, they told me they would admit me against my will to the mental ward for further evaluation.

I really don't think I am crazy, I just think I am sad.

I don't really know what to do from here, or how to act, or what to think. I just want her to tell me the truth, and try to work on the marriage. If I have a limited time to live I would much rather have her there, than be a recent divorcee dying alone. I can accept the inevitable, but not like this.

thoughts? what do I do to keep from going crazy?

[Royg]

Just thought I should write and let you know I have read your post, of course my heart goes out to you and most importantly I hope and pray you get well soon." A burden shared is a burden halved" God bless you