I'm tired

[agent x]

I'm tired, not tired like I haven't been sleeping well but tired like my battery is low. Tired like a car that's running on fumes.

This isn't the first time I've felt like this, I'm 22 (almost 23) and I've battled these feelings on and off since I was 8 or so. Recently I lost someone close to me and it's all starting again. She wasn't my girlfriend but she was more than just a friend at the same time. We started talking back in september of 2011 after meeting through a game we both played online.

She was amazing, we talked about everything and would talk for hours and hours each day. I never had that with anyone before and no one and nothing ever made me as happy as talking with her, being with her did. Before her I was content with my numbed stat, I had a rough patch a few years prior that took me a while to get over and at the end I had numbed myself. I convinced myself I was fine alone, not having anyone because I didn't need anyone and she broke that wall so completely not even dust remained.

I fell for her, I fell hard and for a time she loved me too. Things weren't perfect though we had rough spots here and there. She lives in the UK and I in the US, and now and then she would get depressed and say things that would worry me. See she has paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder so now and then she wouldn't be herself though it wasn't often. On top of this she was dating someone which made things tense at times since I knew I didn't stand much chance. After all, I couldn't really compete with someone who could actually be there for her but I tried regardless.

With time she began to change, she wouldn't get depressed like she used to and she stopped self-harming as much and eventually all together, and she stopped drinking. During the course of this she told me I helped her to do it. In our time together she would trust me with things she hadn't tell anyone else and this trust and closeness led to an escalation in our relationship and we began sexting. One day while joking around I playfully said “well maybe one day I won’t be here” but she replied “you can’t, you’re my chillrock.” When I asked what she meant she explained that this was the name she came up with for me partly because I was always so calm and collected partly because she could count on me to be there. Hearing that made my week, literally, it blew me away.

Recently it ended, we had spats where I would find out she had lied to me and it started to eat at the once infinite trust I had in her. At first it was little things but after we stopped speaking at the beginning of last month I found her and her fiancé were still together. The thing was she told me that they had broken up back in august (during a time of 2 or so weeks when we weren't speaking) this incident led her to become depressed. I felt horrible, firstly because I had regretted breaking things off then, secondly because I missed her but was too proud at the time to try and work things out and third because I felt guilty for not being there when she needed me.

Now that it’s over I find myself wondering what was real, what was true and what was lies, did she really care or was it all just a game. The worst part is I've been here before I keep looking for someone that won’t do this to me and I keep finding more people just like her, like them, and I’m so sick of it. It makes my blood boil and my heart heavy, is what I want so absurd and unheard of? How can you expect honesty when you can’t be honest yourself? Why do you expect me to listen and care when you can’t be bothered to do the same for me?

I’m tired. I wake up and I feel nothing, not one thing, and as the day goes on I go up and down. I’ll be depressed for a bit then level out to numb again before sliding into anger and silent rage until I become numb or depressed again. I try not to laugh because when I stop I become depressed but the thing I hate the most is when people ask how I’m doing because I can’t tell them how I am really doing. What can they do about it? Nothing, and in some cases it would only make them feel worse and I don’t want that. Every day I’m here reinforces my belief that I don’t belong here, every couple I see when I’m out fills me with hate and sadness for what I don’t have. I wish I could go back, knowing what I know now, I’d do certain things differently just to see how it would turn out.

Anyway, this went longer than I wanted/expected but I do feel slightly better now, even if it only lasts a short while.

Later.

[soul]

hi there.. i understand the feeling since something happened to me just like you about a week ago, but in another perspective. i had a (more then) friend i met online for a year or so but he ended up tearing off all my walls, in the end i fell for that person too and showed the most sensitive and fragile side of myself to that friend, however right after that, i dont know the reason, my more then friend destroyed and criticized every thing i said at that time where i was most defenseless and trusting. it teared me up, ever since then i dont trust people so much at all then i used to.

well what i want to tell you is that im 89% sure that at some point, that girl you talk about really cared about you, however maybe not so much at all anymore. i cant give you much advice since im in a very similar situation as you, feeling very tired physically and mentally..ect.. i just wish you luck with the next person you will meet and maybe advice you to be very cautious and wise of whom you want to share your time together next time.

i would buy you a hot chocolate right now if i could (or make one; im good at cooking)

words from my heart
soul

[agent x]

Thanks soul, that sounds pretty nice.

The thing is I'm not sure I care to try anymore or find someone else. This isn't the first time I've been hurt and I'm not sure there is anyone worth the risk now. After all, I was cautious this time and look how that turned out. I've lost faith in people, it seems like those we love are the first to hurt us.

The irony is that I'm usually the one trying to help people like us. I'd say something like "its for the best, you deserve better" or some such and while I'm sure that's true it just seems like empty words now.

I hear it won't be like this forever though, who knows.

[soul]

yeah..who knows. but i have to say, my father gave me advice some time ago which i still remember well, it might help you out, "whatever you did, be it bad or good, never regret it, because even if you did something which made you sad you have learned from it so that you wont do it twice." im not sure if those were the exact words but its more or less something like that. maybe it can help you in future ocations, i dont know..

As for finding people who wont hurt you, im not entirely sure, but i have a friend, just one so far that never let me down and the little time that friend hurt me that friend apologized and was the one to usually cheer me up, (its been a long time since i talked to that person though) so, maybe the world isnt full of those who hurt others? maybe there is someone who actually wont hurt you so much anymore, you might need a lot of luck to find this kind of person, but dont give up until you find someone like that.

i know its difficult to start trusting again, maybe you will never trust people like you ever did before from now on. falling is human, but getting back up is admirable. i hope you can get back up, you seem like a nice person and i really wish for things will turn out better for you in the future.

ooooooorrr you could just buy a dog, dogs never let their masters down (joke)

here is the hot chocolate by the way ^^



really sincerely
soul

[metaLarsllica]

((((((((((( agent x )))))))))))

I used to and sometimes still am in the same situations. I have learned that before I find the person I want to have and not the ones I keep getting tangled up in to only always have the same out come, it to see what is going on with me, to keep seeking out the wrong type of people. I have learned I am co dependent. I seem to find the one's I can "fix" or make better, or always be there at whatever cost. Maybe it's something you might want to think about looking into hun.


Meta

[agent x]

@soul: ya, that's good advice. I heard something similar a while back myself although I can't recall where and it's something I try to keep in mind.

I used to have a friend like that too back in middle/high school. We lost touch too, sort of grew apart I guess. I am usually like that myself, always there when someone needs me. I figure there are so many crumby people around we need a few good ones so I do what I can. It just seems like for every decent person there are 40 more who are lining up to hurt you, gets depressing.

I am trying to get back up but it's getting harder, there was a time it was easy if you can believe that. I'm not really a dog or cat person, I do keep rabbits though. and that hot chocolate looks really good!

@meta: I think I might be slightly codependent but I'm also a bit narcissistic at times. I can't really say, every time I try to figure it out I find a little bit of most traits in myself. I did try ti 'fix' someone once but haven't tried since because of how horribly it turned out although I was pretty good at it which is funny since I'm rather messed up to start with.

I have and would, depending on how close a friendship I have with a person, sacrifice a fair bit to help him/her but I wouldn't say it's ever been excessive. On a lighter note, I wouldn't mind if you 'fix' me I certainly wouldn't miss feeling like this. If you need to barrow any wrenches or hammers to do so let me know

oh, and I like your sig. pretty clever.