pregnant and depressed

[katiekmk]

I found out I was pregnant a couple months ago. I'm 21 weeks along right now with a girl, Emelie. I am so attached already. I love her so much. I love thinking of her. But I don't know if I can keep her. Her father wants us to, but we are dirt poor and it would be really selfish of me... I love her and want to raise her. But giving her to a nice family seems like the better option. I really don't know what the hell to do. And all the stress of having to make this decision is triggering my old depression and I constantly have to fight the urge to selfharm. I self-harm myself to release emotional pain, and because my esteem is very low and I feel like I deserve to be in pain. My rational logic knows this is not the case, but I get so upset that I need to do something to calm myself down and self-harming is one if the only things that helps. My daughter needs a healthy happy mother. I want to be happy. But I don't know how. I've never known how. Ever since I was a little girl I've wanted to die. That's not normal. Why do I want to die? Because I feel like life is so pointless. honestly, thus far, I have only lived my life for other people. Because they care about me and I can't imagine how adult they would feel if I committed suicide. I have no desire to be alive. And it makes me cry all the time. I'm sick of it. I just want to be happy. How can I be happy with all this stress in my life? What makes life worth living? Were all just going to die in the end anyways. I really am not okay with this depression and I'm scared for myself. For my daughter. Its getting worse and worse everyday. I need help. ;C[quote][/quote]

[metaLarsllica]

katiemk

I am so sorry you are dealing with uncertainty. I couldn't imagine having to decide whats best for a child I truly loved. Is there help in your areal that can offer assistance for you to help support the child? Is there anyone that you could go to help discuss which is the better option? Depression is so hard to deal with. It has many triggers. Are you seeking medical attention for the depression. I know hormones can make everything worse.

meta