feeling very alone

[Me]

I have 4 children thats all I have left in this world...they love me.but cant help me.
Tried to tell them how sad I am that i want to die....this makes them mad.
Don;t do this to us you are the parent we are the kids. They are right.
I have know one else...I just want someone to love me hold me and help me throu this pain. Not just someone..my parents they died last year. My husband left me 4 years ago he can't understand depression and thinks Im lazy.
I am so sad inside. Maybe my kids whould be better off with out this sicko mother that cries and wants to die all the time. You know I dont want to die..I just want the pain to stop.
I tried to go lay beside my daughter an just hug her and tell her how much I love her...get away mother none of my friends mothers do this. Again I am the child you are the parent dont come to me with your sadness. I need help

[tonytwist]

I know exactly how you feel. My wife of 13 years left me 4 months ago and I have been unable to shake the sadness since. We shared custody of our daughter up until about 3 weeks ago when I took a dozen sleeping pills and washed them down with a half a bottle of cognac. My co-workers found me slumped in my car 24 hours later and rushed me to the hospital where I spent a week in the mental health unit.

Because of my actions, Children's Aid has gotten involved and I have not seen my daughter since. I've been calling them everyday to find out when I will be reunited with my daughter again but with it being the holidays, no one has returned my calls and my wife refuses to let me speak or even talk to my daughter until she knows for certain that I am well enough to. I terribly regret what I did, I've lost precious time with the ones I love most that I will never get back.

Since being discharged from the hospital, I've spent my time reading self-help books, watching motivational videos on YouTube, signing up for meditation classes, and I've made an appointment to see a therapist on Friday. I still feel suicidal sometimes, especially when I look at my daughter's pictures and I miss her SO much. But I will never again act upon those thoughts, I couldn't do that to my daughter and my family. Get help, there's lots of it out there in the form of therapy, counselling, or self help groups. That's what am/will be doing in the coming days. You have four wonderful kids to live for, cherish them while they're still with you. I wish I could. Good luck!

[nyazfan]

i saw your post today and really feel your pain its hard to let go of your feelings when loved ones depend on you. talking is abig key to healing your heart. try and find outside help in your community. ive used crisis lines and have been given a lot of use ful info. talking can help even if its just for while i do care about you.

[Lucille]

I'm so sorry your going though this. My mum had depression but she wasn't like you she completely ignored us. I think learning some coping tecniques might help you. I have learned how to partially numb a lot of stuff out. I can't take anti depressants because of the side effects they give me so this is the only coping tool I have. I numb out the sadness and pain and try to concentrate on something else. It is really hard but when you have kids they are dependant on you. It really affects them when they see you like this, thats what i can tell from what you've posted. So all I can say is. Do your best. Maybe get some counselling. Try and get a hobby and meet new people. One thing i realised when i realised how far I'd sunk. I'd forgotten about any hobbies that i had and just sat there scrolling though facebook because I was so miserable. Hold in there.x