SH Fantasies

[User9551]

Hello everybody. 17 male here.

As you can probably guess, I'm suffering from what I can only guess is a combination of depression and anxiety. I'll briefly explore why in the following few paragraphs, and then end with my predicament and reason for my SH fantasies.

To begin, I'll talk a bit about my parents. My father is significantly older than my mother (15 years, give or take) and has been married twice before. Both fell apart because the woman was crazy, and he says that this one is the worst of them all. My earliest memory is of my mom screaming at him over something minor. The way she talks and acts has undoubtedly caused my anxiety. My father, on the other hand, regularly tells me how horrible the world is. He tells me how unhappy he is with his wife, but he does nothing because, according to him, he's going to die soon and that he's glad for it. I took a class on CPR once, and he literally told me not to revive him if I ever found him having a heart attack or something.

Well that explains the first part. My anxiety makes me dread just about everything, from minor discomfort to full blown panic attacks (only happened once or twice) coupled with irritable bowel syndrome (all the time). As a result, looking ahead in life isn't the best thing I like to do. I'm getting pretty good grades at a prestigious academy. I'm good at physics, and enjoy writing fiction. Even so, I have no ambition or passion to pursue either. I just want death as soon as possible to avoid dealing with a world of suffering.

As a result of my dread of the real world, I have sought refuge in harming thoughts. I've always though about it for as long as I could remember, but only in the past few years has it become an obsession. I fantasize about it every night. When I take a walk at sunset, I imagine my own death, and it brings me peace. For now, I'm 'faking it', pretending to have ambitions and enjoy life just so nobody stops me.

Anyone have any advice or comments? One this is for sure, I will NOT go to my parents about this. After hearing their reactions to a former SH friend of mine, I can only imagine what their reaction will be to me. As for seeing a professional, I have no access to someone I trust until quite a bit down the road.

Thank you for reading my wall of text.

[Understandable]

Hello!

I'd like to say, thank you for opening up to us and sharing what's on your mind. It seems you are having a rough time at home.

Growing up in an environment where having neither a mom nor a dad figure can be very tough on you. Especially with all the negativity that surrounds you as it seems.

Taken walks is a good way to get away from all the problems and to set your mind free. But to think negative thoughts, I can understand why. Is it possible to go for a walk with a friend? Someone you might trust and you aren't afraid of speaking to them about what's on your mind. If not, I understand that it's hard to find someone who does understand you. But having company will lead you to have less thoughts about what you usually think of. It will also lead to having more trust with that person because you'll feel more comfortable with them around.

As for having no ambitions or thinking about the future, I can see what's stopping you. Don't let it stop you. Have a small goal, even if its just for a day. Something positive and motivative. Once you complete it, you'll feel better inside. Slowly make it a longer term goal. It'll take some time but it'll be worth it, trust me.

I hope everything will get better for you! Anything else you want to talk about, please feel free to share it with us!

You're a very strong person inside!

-Understandable

[User9551]

I haven't found anyone (real) that I can talk to, so that's out the window. I prefer walking alone anyway. I have PLENTY to do at my academy, so setting goals isn't really an issue. It's fear, irrational as it might be, of a difficult future. Anxiety is a big factor, I'm sure.

How do I combat anxiety? It doesn't affect what I do, just how I feel...

[crystalgaze]

Hi hi,

Perhaps what you are going through is a sort of numbness??

I don't know if this will be any comfort, but:

When I was your age, I couldn't say what I was going to do. I'm not sure I really cared. I can't be certain of exactly what I wanted. In time, I figured it out, though. Truthfully, I only have one goal for my life, and it's to be able to take care of myself, in spite of whatever it is that is going on around me or going on with me. It's a bit vague because I have to work out the HOW.

If you are good at what you are good at, and it can help to secure you with money to take care of yourself in the future, by all means GO FOR IT--all of it if you can. Don't waste any part of yourself. This is not necessarily a "looking to the future" but I would see it as a just in case.

The death you wish for may not come when you want it. I'm sure you know that. You might even feel differently after a few years. (That's what happened to me; however, your mileage may vary.)

The question becomes: What will you do in that time, and how will you take care of yourself? (because if you will live it makes no sense to waste your talent that you can use to help yourself and it also makes no sense to suffer by failing to prepare for the future)

I don't know if I'm helping, but you just take little steps. You take a big job and break it down into smaller ones....

Also, I was affected by the issues my parents had with each other, etc. Eventually, you will have to not take on their stuff.... It may sound hard to do at first, but I think you will get what I mean at some point. They have lived the bulk of their lives. Now it's your turn, and you can't let their issues get in your way.

[User9551]

Thing is, it's a matter of fear and uncertainty. I fear it won't be enough, and that alone causes much anxiety. I guess my desire to die is simply in order to separate myself from the psychological pain, (and physical pain occasionally as a result, e.g. irritable bowel syndrome.) seems to be the best way.

But no, I'd love to be numb right about now.