Living with my darkness.

[Zian]

Ok, so i am 18 years old and for probably the past 8 years i have had episodes of depression and thoughts of suicide. The earliest time i remember feeling this deep depression was when i was around 10 years old and i thought about how nice it would be if i were to jump of the roof of my school and i were to die. Over the years this darkness never really left me, every once in a while i would always fall back into a state of paralyzing depression and thoughts of suicide. I would look at others and see people that were always filled with joy and happiness and this made me believe that this darkness that i have was not normal and that others did not have it. This made me feel the need to hide my feelings from the rest of the world and keep my darkness to myself. Thus i started to put on a mask in front of other people, i would simulate this happiness and joy to hide the fact that inside i was extremely depressed.

Over the years i feel as if i have mastered the skill of simulating this happiness and blending in, but it has come to no avail. No matter how happy i make myself look on the outside, my darkness eats away at me from within. It has hindered my ability to truly connect with any one individual, i have come to a point where i am only but a masked man that many people see, but no one truly knows. I am unable to show or express my genuine self because i have built up this wall that protects me from people seeing my darkness. I have tried to seek help, but whenever i come close to revealing my darkness, my years of simulating happiness come into play and i feel the need to quickly slip on my mask. Making me incapable of showing my honest self.

[stillwaters]

hello Zian
Welcome to the forums. I am so sorry you have had to suffer with depression and feel so alone. I know the feeling only too well myself. I can tell from your posting that you are a sensitive and inteligent person and while you are saying you cannot show or express your genuine self, I think that is exactly what you have started to do. There are many likeminded people here who have had very similar experiences to you. You are not alone.
If you are ready to share, be supported and support others you have found the right place. The chat rooms are also a good form of support if you want to speak directly to people.
I wish you good luck on your journey and hope that you find some relief here.