My story

[BlueMuffinGoo]

Hi all,

I'm new to the forums, this is my first post.

Basically I'm going through a rough time at the moment, and I feel I need to talk to some people who understand.

Okay, my story.

Basically I come from a broken home. History of physical and emotional abuse from parents, so spent most of my time in my grandmother's house. Didn't have a bedroom, house falling apart.

My father left when I was 7 and didn't have much contact at all really. He didn't know how to be a father, alcoholic, delusional etc.

So for years it was just me and my mother. My mother is also an alcoholic, but quite high functioning. My sisters moved out and got on with their lives when they were old enough. I feel like I'm being left behind as my mother moved out 3 years ago to live with her boyfriend. I'm nearly 21, so I suppose I should know how to deal with life alone, but it's not as if I even had time to prepare as she left suddenly.

I've been in college, but dropped out last year and the year before due to financial/emotional problems. I have panic attacks and depression.

I'm trying college again this year but about 7 months ago my auntie turned up on the doorstep to tell me my father is dying of terminal throat cancer and wants to see me.

So I went to see him. He lived in notoriously rough/druggie flats and I felt scared going there all the time. It was dangerous. He died 3 weeks ago at age 46. I was there at the end, and it was horrible as he had pneumonia and struggled to breathe. I don't think he even knew who I was.

On top of funeral arrangements (I had to sign everything and be involved since I'm next of kin) we're also battling against a woman who claims to be his 'partner'. Long story short, she stole a lot of his money (not that he even had that much to begin with).

I feel angry and hurt and honestly, jealous when I see people who have fathers. I feel like 'why me'. I know other people have worse lives and lose their parents and I can empathise. I know that my mother won't live long either since she doesn't take care for herself.

Every single day is a struggle to get out of bed. I've put on 4 stone and stopped caring for myself, or housework or anything. In a drawer next to my bed I have a lot of tablets (painkillers etc) and when things get really bad I take them out and look at them. I don't want to deal with all this mess anymore. I want to be normal and go to university and have friends but I don't have any of that. I don't have TIME for that. Or money. I don't have any breathing space at all. I do write my own songs and play keyboard and I'd love to be a performer but I don't have the time/want to do it after a long day of people telling me I'm not good enough.

I know I should go on tablets (I've been on antidepressants before). I've had counselling and it didn't do anything. I just don't want to be here anymore. I hate the crap I have to deal with and I hate myself.

So yeah, there's my story. Thanks for reading.

[sadandlonely]

Hello, don't give up