Message of Hope-Owning Your Feelings
Posted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 8:47 pm
Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2006 12:31 pm
Message of HOPE
Overcoming
by Kevin Gourley - Vice President & Founder, AdvocateWeb
In the pursuit of finding healing and wholeness after abuse, it is often the case that we "want an apology" but we may never get one. Or we encounter people or events that we find "triggering" and we wish the world would adjust itself to meet our needs, so as to not trigger us or stir up feelings within us that we'd like to avoid.
The problem is that when we make our feelings dependent on others' actions, we are not setting healthy boundaries for ourselves. We are actually giving them POWER over us, if we choose to allow our feelings to be dependent on what others think or say. Similarly, if we decide that we cannot even begin to heal until we hear an apology from our abuser, we are continuing to give our abuser power over our lives. Is that really what you want??
An important step in empowerment is taking back ownership of one's own feelings. We can't possibly control the world to ensure that no one ever says anything to offend us. In fact, a lesson I learned several years ago really sticks with me. Consider the following two statements:
1) "You make me feel so insecure when you do that."
2) "When you do that, I feel so insecure."
Do you see a difference in the two statements? The first one suggests that someone else, other than you, is in control of your feelings. You don't just "feel", you are saying someone "makes
you feel" a certain way. No one can "make you feel" a certain way, even though it might be true that when they act a certain way, or say certain things you do feel that way. The point is that you own your feelings, not them.
You can actually find empowerment in realizing that you can be you, and others can be who they are, and their actions or opinions don't have direct control your feelings, nor do you want them to!
To move beyond being a "victim" to being a "survivor" and getting on with your life it is important to not see others as being responsible for your feelings. Own your feelings. Be aware of your insecurities and your strengths, but let the world be whatever it is, and don't wait on the world to accommodate you. Otherwise, you're likely to be let down over and over again.
I am not saying to suppress your feelings. But I am saying that you have more control over your feelings than you might think. What someone else says is not what controls your feelings. It has more to do with you.
You can overcome so much by just taking these insights to heart. And that is the greatest thing we wish for you, to overcome the hardships and abuse you may have endured to find a new and better life for yourself.
Message of HOPE
Overcoming
by Kevin Gourley - Vice President & Founder, AdvocateWeb
In the pursuit of finding healing and wholeness after abuse, it is often the case that we "want an apology" but we may never get one. Or we encounter people or events that we find "triggering" and we wish the world would adjust itself to meet our needs, so as to not trigger us or stir up feelings within us that we'd like to avoid.
The problem is that when we make our feelings dependent on others' actions, we are not setting healthy boundaries for ourselves. We are actually giving them POWER over us, if we choose to allow our feelings to be dependent on what others think or say. Similarly, if we decide that we cannot even begin to heal until we hear an apology from our abuser, we are continuing to give our abuser power over our lives. Is that really what you want??
An important step in empowerment is taking back ownership of one's own feelings. We can't possibly control the world to ensure that no one ever says anything to offend us. In fact, a lesson I learned several years ago really sticks with me. Consider the following two statements:
1) "You make me feel so insecure when you do that."
2) "When you do that, I feel so insecure."
Do you see a difference in the two statements? The first one suggests that someone else, other than you, is in control of your feelings. You don't just "feel", you are saying someone "makes
you feel" a certain way. No one can "make you feel" a certain way, even though it might be true that when they act a certain way, or say certain things you do feel that way. The point is that you own your feelings, not them.
You can actually find empowerment in realizing that you can be you, and others can be who they are, and their actions or opinions don't have direct control your feelings, nor do you want them to!
To move beyond being a "victim" to being a "survivor" and getting on with your life it is important to not see others as being responsible for your feelings. Own your feelings. Be aware of your insecurities and your strengths, but let the world be whatever it is, and don't wait on the world to accommodate you. Otherwise, you're likely to be let down over and over again.
I am not saying to suppress your feelings. But I am saying that you have more control over your feelings than you might think. What someone else says is not what controls your feelings. It has more to do with you.
You can overcome so much by just taking these insights to heart. And that is the greatest thing we wish for you, to overcome the hardships and abuse you may have endured to find a new and better life for yourself.
