I don't like myself and it feels like I never will

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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wasteofwater92
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jul 05, 2019 3:23 am

I don't like myself and it feels like I never will

Postby wasteofwater92 » Fri Jul 05, 2019 3:26 am

I can't bring myself to see the light of day, which is what every bit of advice I've gotten involves. Go out, go try to meet people with the same interests. Get out. Where? Where do I go to? What interests? I've never been the initiator, friends in the past have had to do the initiating to hang out. I'm what many people would see as the archetypal loser. Still living at home at 26, never even attempted to talk to a girl, I hate myself so much I can't even hold down my job at the family business.

For years I was content being alone with no tangible friends, no career with opportunity for advancement, no romantic relationship. Just myself, my online friends, my mom, and my two dogs. But I was drinking 2-4 40oz malt liquors every night, so was I really content? Probably not, but I didn't feel the very real pain of depression yet. My dogs died in 2017, and it certainly didn't help my drinking, and now, I had no form of companionship at all other than online gaming friends. This December I quit drinking after 4 years of frequent drinking and then 3 years of nightly 40s, and since then, whatever hole the alcohol was filling has been replaced with deep, burning loneliness and craving for female attention, and I never thought these feelings could affect me before they did. For years I was fat, all throughout high school and years after, and because of that I never attempted to connect with a girl because how could anybody possibly ever be romantically interested in me? I had no looks, and my conversations would fit on an index card. Now that I've lost a lot of weight and am still losing, down to 250 from 310, I can see in the mirror that I have become more handsome, but I still cannot let myself believe that anybody would ever be interested in me. I still see myself as ugly, even though objectively it's not like I'm hideous.

Stacked on top of the loneliness is a feeling that I don't deserve anything—I don't deserve to be with anyone, I don't deserve friends, I don't deserve the paycheck that I earned when I was working. Because it wasn't an especially difficult, grueling experience quitting my alcohol addiction like it is for some people, I don't deserve to take pride in that positive direction. My story is so similar to so many other posts on this forum, I feel like I don't even deserve to post my own story. I can't break this logical block that will not let me take pride in the good things about myself. I can't seem to force myself to move in a positive direction. Everyday I just sit in my house mad and disappointed at myself for being too afraid to go out and be a stranger to someone long enough to get to know them.

I am a quiet person who is most comfortable at home, so I have considered online dating, but I find myself not only wanting to not be rejected, but also not wanting to reject others. I feel like I deserve whoever is the first match and only whoever is the first match, how can I be so bold as to reject a match after a lifetime of aloneness? And then that match will find out I have no confidence or self esteem and I'm living at home with "mommy" still and that's not attractive to anybody. So that match scares me if it even exists, because nothing would come of it other than disappointment.

I've considered suicide as a solution. The phrase "easier to die than try" pops up in my mind. It's easier to die than to put myself outside my comfort zone. It's easier to die than work manual labor for the rest of my life. It's easier to die than be alone forever. The other week, I was thinking about suicide and for a moment I got a very real feeling of excitement, and it scared me. I'm too scared to live, but too afraid to die. I feel like I will never like myself and I will never find the confidence to change because it does not exist within me.

derkderk
Posts: 19
Joined: Thu May 09, 2019 7:50 pm

Re: I don't like myself and it feels like I never will

Postby derkderk » Tue Jul 16, 2019 7:19 pm

Not to make things more depressing (ha..) but I'm in my thirties and living at home. I graduated high school at about 22, not GED but a very sympathetic charter school teacher helped me a lot. My mother has devoted her life to mine and does not have a life of her own as a consequence. I have stayed alive so far because I couldn't "live" with myself if I were to take my life and how it would effect my mom. My friendships and romantic relationships are non-sustainable, so I've stopped looking for happiness in those areas and toward what I can do solo.

For many years have thought deeply on what it is exactly what my mind does compared to others. Using analogies, I contrast how a "normal" person would feel compared to me. Interestingly, I learned many good things about myself I had not known before and other things like exactly how world peace is a fantasy rather than an achievable goal. It gives me comfort, understanding, and confidence when I can now almost in real time compare myself to others. I've learned to appreciate the knowledge of psychology and its effect on the world every day, not just me.

But some days I feel to be living hour by hour, minute by minute. I'll often forget entire days or weeks because of the crap I endure because I can't kill myself. I then have learned mental pain tolerance skills keep the days moving along. I figure depression is only deadly when one decides to end their life because of depression.

lilpossum
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:51 pm

Re: I don't like myself and it feels like I never will

Postby lilpossum » Wed Jul 17, 2019 12:02 am

Suhhh dude. Im 20 and a girl and im lonely af. Just cause.
Basically i also loathe myself. But i love the pleasures of life.
I stole from a store and had possession of scheduled 2 narcotics, in 2016.
Both of my parents are adopted. My mother was born in 1970, and my father was born in 1975. My father was born with a spine problem and has resented his medical life. My mother does not know her birth parents. They procreated: me. : .P
Lemme tell u somethin. Life is worth the livin. It truly is.
Everything you know you know because of life. You wouldnt even know life was shitty if you hadnt known life.
Keep posting to this forum if u wanna release urself of bad thoughts. I soak that stuff up like liquid
I love massages, i love music, i love food, i love sex, and i love being a witness to cool life things. Like birth (i think). What are some things you enjoy ?

Regina Quirion
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:18 am

Re: I don't like myself and it feels like I never will

Postby Regina Quirion » Wed Jul 17, 2019 8:49 am

I understand your life hasn’t been upto your expectations and you might be feeling this due to some incidents in your life. I wont judge you for this but neither should you. Never lose the love that you have for yourself. Everybody is different in their own manner which doesnt make them any less or more than others. Hey gather these thoughts throw them in a bag. Pack it and dispose it off. You are way better than you think you are. Get yourself a dog and see from his eyes what you are. They never lie. Try meditation or yoga. Those also help.


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