Another new depressed person who talks too much.

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Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Sat Mar 02, 2019 11:02 pm

I've had depression most of my life. My way of coping for it was to leave London and get out into the world. I did that in a fairly unconventional way. I ended up in a 3rd world country in the middle of Asia. For a long time, that was all fine. I met a girl, we got together and were pretty happy. I got a job teaching, I never fancied doing it but it was fairly easy to get into so I went along with it. It turned out I really enjoyed it, and I'm good at it. I'm now teaching high-school and I'm still happy doing it.
She got pregnant, even though we were using precautions. I never wanted kids but I said we'd keep it if she wanted to. I told her things would change if we had a child and she accepted that.
She changed, she became a thoroughly horrible person, she became dumber, made stupid mistakes, lied and began to steal money. We invested in land, in the hope of building a future for my son.
In the end, we split up, I had no choice but to throw her out. We were thrown out of our home after she had not paid the rent with the money I gave her, money collectors were coming to the house and things were getting nasty.
She then became very sick, her friends dropped her at mine and she was halfway dead. She could barely move and told me she was taking drugs. Hearing that broke me, I'm not going to lie.
We got through the next few days, somehow. By then, there was no money whatsoever. We'd paid off the land and were waiting to cash it in, work hadn't paid me properly in 6 months and she'd taken everything I had. Going to a doctor was out of the question. The doctors here are useless anyway, they're not competent, or even qualified.
This went on, she just got sicker and sicker. When she recovered, she told me she'd never been on drugs. A blood test confirmed that she hadn't, it was a hallucination from the fever.
During this time, she had moved away and was living with her parents. I wasn't seeing much of my son, and that was killing me. But we had no choice, there was no baby-sitting option in the city and no money to pay for it.
Eventually, she started to fall apart. She wanted to die, and had become suicidal from the pain of the sickness. She had seen countless doctors and been in hospital many times and had been diagnosed with half a dozen different things.
I had no choice but to just do it myself. I paid for a proper blood-screening and went to Google and learned how to read the results. I diagnosed her with Graves disease, a thyroid condition that is sometimes triggered by pregnancy. I confirmed my findings with a friend of mine who's a qualified Australian paramedic and a surgeon abroad. I sourced the proper anti-thyroid drugs and got them to her.
She is responding well, and is making a good recovery. She's now back working full time. The condition upsets the function of her brain, and is responsible for her weird behaviour. That just makes it worse, there's been too much damage to go back and the future is very uncertain. But now I have the added pressure that maybe she was just sick, and all this wasn't just her being a terrible person!
We found out the land we'd invested in was stolen. It was a chinese company that ran out with the money, so we lost thousands on that. I've been broke for several years. For a time, I wasn't even eating, although my son never went without a thing.
I had to go full time at work and I'm now getting my finances under control but it's an uphill struggle.
This country is not a good place. The people are not likeable at all. As a consequence, people don't stay here very long. Most of the friends I've got have left and I'm struggling to meet new people. I only really hang out with one guy now, and he's not someone I respect, I'm just making the best of things. We have two new teachers, a married couple with decades of experience each. They're thoroughly good people but quit and will leave in two weeks. The situation here is hard and they didn't want to stay. He said to me that I was the strongest and most mentally resilient person he'd ever met. I just laughed.
It's hard to meet women here. I've met two I liked, but both were leaving the next morning. I dated two others, one just left me feeling awkward, I could tell she was a little lost girl looking for someone to take care of her. The other was a local, she seemed nice but it didn't go anywhere. Frankly, she also had mental health issues.
Online dating isn't really an option here. I've matched with plenty of woman, but they're almost always prostitutes, and one (a ladyboy) sent me a price-list as a conversation opener.
I don't take medication. I exercise daily to help cope and I'm usually fine when I'm working. At work I'm surrounded by people I get on well with. I don't socialise with them, they have made personal choices that aren't in line with my own. I absolutely don't judge them, but I don't want to walk that path.
I'm a writer but I can't write at the moment. I've noticed lately that things are getting harder, my thoughts are more sluggish and I'm making mistakes. I drink too much, it's always been a vice of mine. To put that in perspective, I had a total of 6 beers and a bottle of wine last week, so I'm not in any danger of alcoholism. A bigger vice is coffee, but I've cut that down to one a day and I'm sleeping better.
But I'm trapped, because of my son. I'm stuck surrounded by people I don't like, or respect. My son's future is very uncertain, my own even more so.
My parents are alive, but have no interest. They don't even care about meeting their only grandson.
I'm getting worse. During the week, I'm fine. I'm busy, I'm active and there's always something to do. It gets bad at weekends, that's when I feel isolated and alone. For the last two weeks, she was meant to bring my son into town, but didn't. This was a constant problem before. We tried to have her come here one week, me go there the next. That hasn't worked well.
I miss my son. That is tearing me apart. It's not me I feel sorry for, I just know how damaging it's being for him and it kills me to know he's missing me and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm slowly taking control of all this. My books are getting published by a speciality publisher and I'm starting an online publisher of my own with some friends. But the day to day emptiness of life here is grinding me down.
There's nobody to talk to... It's as simple as that.
The depression has been flaring dramatically and I know I'm getting worse.

SirOats
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Sep 24, 2018 7:53 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby SirOats » Mon Mar 04, 2019 9:07 pm

Hey man, hang in there.
You have such a great story. I really encourage you to share it, especially as a writer. Your ability to articulate ideas and the credibility of your adventurous life could really shine some light for people in dark places.
If I may be so bold. Challenge yourself to identify 3 good things a day. Build on that, start identifying good things in your neighborhood, in your city, in your country, in your colleagues, etc.
Prayers bro.

Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Tue Mar 05, 2019 2:52 am

Thanks for that! It really just helped to get it out. I keep things to myself a lot. I am great in front of my kids, I keep the atmosphere fun and upbeat but once I'm alone... well, you get the idea.

Starbuck
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:34 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Starbuck » Tue Mar 05, 2019 5:14 am

First of all, feel free to talk as much as you like/need. And second, I'm happy you found this place to vent (there is also a chat you can use, it might help you feel less alone). You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you know what you need to do (and you are doing it!) so don't be too hard on yourself. In fact, be proud. It takes a great strength to deal with life the way you seem to be dealing with it. It is hard, but I can already see you succeeding . I hope in time you'll be able to see that too.

Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:20 am

Thanks very much! I'm actually fine during the week, it's the weekends where it gets bad. Last night I had dinner with a friend. She's an ex-student of mine who somehow decided I was going to be her surrogate dad. She's now my son's godmother and I worked with her to write a YA (young adult) novel.
Today I met a girl from the internet. We hit it off but she's not my type. It was really nice to have a proper conversation with someone new though so we'll probably meet again.
I had an email yesterday from a student i used to teach. I hadn't spoken to her since 2016 but she approached me for a reference as she's applying for an internship at an embassy. That put a smile on my face, it's great that after all these years, my student's still come looking for me.
Her and a friend once met me in a coffee shop. All the seat were taken and they asked to sit with me. I got on with my work, quietly leaving them to it until one of them complained at how minty their mint-latte was. When I asked, she explained she didn't like mint!
The next day they got me a coffee, just the way I like it. I was quite touched and began sipping on it in class. It was revolting, full of salt. I tried not to wince and offend them. Mistakes are common here and stupid things like this happen all the time. I sipped lightly at it and tried to ignore the horrible flavour. Then I saw one of them laughing and realised the little gits had done it as a prank.
I love my job, it's always good fun!
I'm fine when i'm busy and doing things, it's when I'm stuck on my own... that's when it gets bad.

Starbuck
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:34 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Starbuck » Tue Mar 05, 2019 10:57 am

See? That tells you everything (in terms of what people think of you, the love and respect they have). I think the place you live might be affecting you though...ever thought of moving?

Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Wed Mar 06, 2019 8:56 pm

The place I live is a nightmare. Yes, I think about leaving every day but I have a son here and I have to put him first. I'm working towards it but it will take time.

Starbuck
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:34 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Starbuck » Thu Mar 07, 2019 2:33 am

I understand. I hope the solution presents itself soon. Hang in there.

Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Fri Mar 08, 2019 2:58 am

I'll make it work, I'm a survivor. I went out last night for a quiet drink with a friend. He's a HIV+ drug-addicted alcoholic with the IQ of a potato and a massive belief that he's something terrible special. He managed to arrange a date online with a local ladyboy (his personal preference) but it was for that evening and he was dressed in a tatty T-shirt and shorts.
It was one of the week's highlights to see him drunkenly staggering around the bar asking random strangers to sell him their trousers.
Apparently the date didn't go well!
It's not all bad!

Starbuck
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:34 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Starbuck » Fri Mar 08, 2019 2:53 pm

It's good to be able to appreciate the little things lol

Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Sat Mar 09, 2019 9:12 pm

I never did find out how the date went. I met him last night and he said he'd tell me later. We went outside to a table and a guy walked by. I sold him a scooter about a year ago and we'd met a few times so he came over and joined us.
Something was said and my friend kicked off at me. He started shouting and swearing. At first we all thought he was joking, he was very drunk and he'd been loud since he got there. When it was clear he wasn't joking my temper flared and he left before things got nasty.
The other guy and I hung out all night.
I had met a girl online and she wanted to meet me. We rode up to where she worked and met her. We'd been chatting online for a while and she seems different. She's deaf and mute and can only communicate through writing down things on scraps of paper. It's a surreal experience chatting like that.
She followed us out to a party at a bar where and old Danish woman kept rubbing her breasts on me while telling me jokes about lego. We had a few beers and I took her home, the deaf girl. She'd never been on a proper bike before and I have an ultra-sports machine and there was no traffic anywhere so we broke a few speed limits. Probably not a good idea for a suicidally depressed person to have a bike that's so fast that when you accelerate at full speed it can literally dislocate your shoulders.
All was well, until I got home and she bombarded me with drunken messages.
Little things!

Starbuck
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:34 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Starbuck » Sun Mar 10, 2019 1:47 pm

Ok, you can't leave it at that.. what did the messages say? lol

Jtw
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:58 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Jtw » Mon Mar 11, 2019 9:34 pm

I'm not 100% sure. She was accusing me of lying to her about my past. I had to remind her we'd known one another for a number of hours and I hadn't had time to pour out all of my entire life story just yet. In the end she calmed down and we're planning on meeting for lunch.
She then cut her email account off and told me to use the other one. I don't know what that means and now have no means of communication with her.
Sometimes... it might just be too much like hard work.

I had my son this weekend. He came in on Sunday. Awesome to spend time with him but this morning he went home. He always gets sad and says he wants to stay here with me. It's never easy!

froggymom
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2017 2:47 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby froggymom » Tue Mar 12, 2019 4:13 pm

Wow! that is quite a story. You are indeed a very strong person. I give you credit for placing your son first and above any of your needs. That is admirable. All I can say is that I will be praying for you and your situation. Hang in there. I know you will succeed .

Starbuck
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:34 pm

Re: Another new depressed person who talks too much.

Postby Starbuck » Tue Mar 12, 2019 6:44 pm

I don't even know what to tell you. You're a writer, these types of stories may come in handy at some point...but also, as you are someone who is struggling with depression, you may want to try and surround yourself with "healthier" people (for the lack of a better word). Food for thought.

I'm glad you got to spend time with your son. Situation is what it is, so at the end of the day it all boils down to.. quality over quantity, I guess. Keep your head above the water. :)


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