Stuck in a Viscious Cycle of Self Sabotage and I want to die.

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cstamand
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2019 4:44 pm

Stuck in a Viscious Cycle of Self Sabotage and I want to die.

Postby cstamand » Mon Feb 04, 2019 5:01 pm

My story doesn't make sense, but it's probably because my thinking hasn't made sense in a long time. I've hurt a lot of people by bringing them in on my decisions, and taking advantage of their love and support (not on purpose, but by not speaking up). I never meant to have things unfold this way but they just did and I let them.

Depression is sort of like that; it's like a twisted form of meditation where you watch things come in and pass you by and don't try to control them. Except for this is real life and letting things and events float in and out of our lives is careless, reckless, and stupid. I can't explain it any better than that, that's just the dynamic in my head.

I feel empty and drained of all ability to sustain focus, calmness, peace inside, and happiness from moment to moment. Every minute is mental struggle at this point. It has slowly escalated over the past year into this absolute hurricane in my head, where my thoughts have no bearings, are not grounded, and swirl around eachother in confusion. I don't know who I am, what I want out of life, and where I am going with anything.

Let me tell you the full story. In July of 2018 I was laid off from my first real office job in Landscape Architecture (my educational background). It was my first real break, and then my boss decided I wasn't qualified enough as a graduate and that he had to let me go for someone with much more experience. It's not necessarily something to take to heart, but I did. I was crushed. I'd lost my chance. So I bounced around from job to job in a city that had no other opportunities for me. I worked as a landscaper and a home painter. Then I was offered an interview with a huge firm in Vancouver B.C. - my dream location to live out my life. Everything was going so well, I was passing interviews, having a great outlook on my future, planning my move. Then, after contacting my first employer who let me go, they made up a story suggesting they'd brought back an old intern and wished me luck in my job search. At this point, I'd already told everyone in my life I was trying to move to B.C. for this job. Everyone was proud, and I had already started to let go of my apartment and started to move there in small ways.

What happened was, I had set up a second job as a landscaper out there. And now this was my only job prospect, but certainly not a long term solution (It's expensive to live in B.C. if you didn't know). Instead of dealing with things head on and being honest with my friends and family, I did exactly what I always do - I lied and said that I still had the big firm job and was going to move for a great opportunity. I had already set up a place to rent, and had booked a professional moving company that would cost a TON. On top of that, my boyfriend of 4+ years was not ready to move with me and had a lot of emotional instability himself. He not only couldn't come, but was feeling rocky with me. And just to fill you in, he means the ABSOLUTE world to me. Like I mean, I'm emotionally dependent on him, and I literally go into a complete meltdown when I think that I'm going to lose him. You would think at this point that I would call it all off right? NOPE. I just continued to stress EVERYBODY out around me with anxiety and inexplicable indecisiveness. No one could help me decide what to do because I wouldn't tell anyone the whole story. Without all the details, how could ANYONE help me decided how to back out? Or to go?

So. It comes time to pack up my apartment - the movers come. At this point I'm feeling like emotional death. My boyfriend and I have been spending every day together because I'm leaving and were driving eachother nuts. I'm crying every single day and he can't handle the pressure that I am putting on him to come with me to Vancouver (where WTF I don't even have myself prepared). I'm actively ruining the relationship that means the entire world to me. And inside, I'm tearing myself apart. On the one hand it's my dream to work and live in B.C. BUT I DONT HAVE THINGS IN ORDER, on the other hand there's my boyfriend whom I love more than anything in the world and I'm risking losing him. So what do I do? I let things slide out of control of course. I don't be honest, I f*** up everything. I decide to let my step mom put down money on the moving company, I let her pay my first month's rent in B.C., I say goodbye to my friends and have a heartbreaking convo with my BF where we decide to stay together long distance on super rocky terms. I let my parents book a flight to Vancouver, I get on it, and I go. I get here, and MELT. DOWN.

I'm like, instantly, as soon as I'm in the empty apartment, WHAT THE f*** did I just do?
WHY WHY WHY am I so anxious, and insecure, and unhealthy in my head that I don't let people in, don't be honest with people about what is going on around me, and don't call things off? Why do I act like this? Than I just cry and cry, and suffer from further anxiety and indecision. I then go ahead and pursue my boyfriend with relentless calls to ask if he can just come and move OR at least visit me here. He's completely thrown off, and keeps saying no (obviously? he needs time to work himself out before coming, and I can't even let him do that). I have EXTREME guilt and regret about the move like, instantly. I have extreme home sickness, and I just feel like DYING. All I know, is that I need to figure out how to reverse time because this is not okay by any means. Now I've come clean to my family and boyfriend and they are FURIOUS and disgusted with me, as they should be. We have to call and pause the movers from shipping my items, I have to work here for a month and figure out how to come home to a job of some sort and home. My family and bf are sick of me and cannot believe that I let this happen. I hate myself beyond explanation, I don't know what the f*** is wrong with me. Please help me understand why I sabotage myself constantly by making rash decisions, or not stopping things because of shame. I don't talk to people, I let things run their course right into the ditch. And underneath it all I hate myself with a deep poison. I feel unloved by my boyfriend who has trouble committing to me, I feel like I am floating around in an unstable mindset that I cannot seem to ground. Worst of all, underneath everything that's been happening for years, I've cried religiously and I've wanted to die. I fantasize about stabbing myself in the neck with a pen until I bleed out, or cutting my wrists, or hanging myself. I feel like, wow, I just won't EVER be normal like everyone else where I just think logically about my decisions, and make the right ones. I feel like I will always be stuck in this f***** up mindset that I can't put my finger on.

I think I just can't imagine life without my BF AT ALL, and I can't keep making decisions and facing the consequences. I feel like I've finally ruined my life for good, no one will forgive me, and it was always bound to be ruined. I ruin everything and I feel like dying every single day. How can I love myself when I am such a terrible person? I lie to cover up things that I can't handle as my reality and I make everything worse and for some reason, even though I know that I do this, I KEEP DOING IT. I have the most fear in the world that things will never improve, and that I will always lose people and ruin my life. Help. I really do just want to end it.. It can't keep happening like this.

Maxine M
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2019 3:52 pm

Re: Stuck in a Viscious Cycle of Self Sabotage and I want to die.

Postby Maxine M » Mon Feb 04, 2019 9:55 pm

Hi there
First all I want to say you are awfully hard on yourself. Are you on any medications for depression and anxiety?

What is sounds like me is you lost and with some help from a therapist and some medication you could get to the place where you have some peace and happiness. It is sometimes hard when you are in pain to figure out why do things but there is always hope!

If it were me I would finish your month there and go home to your family. Yes they may be mad but they love you and I am sure if you tell them how awful you feel and that you are going to get help they will rally around you.

Please do not give up you are worth it!
I do not know if you believe in God or not but I will pray for you, that God helps you to find your way and gives you peace.

Painting paintin
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2019 2:14 am

Re: Stuck in a Viscious Cycle of Self Sabotage and I want to die.

Postby Painting paintin » Thu Feb 07, 2019 3:07 am

Hey cstamand,

First off I just want to tell you that I obviously don't completely understand what you are going through because I am not going through it, but I understand you. I have been there, and not like years ago, recently and all of the time. The next thing I want to say is I definitely agree you are being too hard on yourself and I understand why because depression alone makes us do that, but you are going through A TON. You are not in this alone. You and your bf may or may not be good for one another, that's more of a thing you understand than anyone else, but you have family. Your stepmom paid for your moving truck, first months rent, and your parents paid for your plane ticket. They might be highly disappointed in you but they love you and only wish the best for you. They did that to give you the opportunity that you deserve, regardless of the job being real or not. You said you are a graduate, so you worked your ass off in school and anyone who does that deserves a job. Even though I agree all hard workers regardless of education do, but that's beside the point! Your family loves you and supports you and although I know that can make us feel a million times worse for having those suicidal thoughts, it means something. One thing I think that makes it easier for me is knowing that my dad has depression too. I've never talked to him about it but tonight I felt like if things got where I felt like they were going, I should make myself go talk to him first. You fessed up to them. That is SO hard. I clearly don't know the right thing to do but I can tell you from both sides, yours and theirs, how I have felt in both. On your side, I felt scared, embarrassed, hopeless, disappointed in myself for so many things and being depressed, and alone. But one time it got really hard, dealing with my ex, and my brother actually voiced his opinion. He told me to get out of the relationship, which I had never heard from my family because they LOVED my ex, but coming from someone that I have a bond with like that it just felt better than hearing it from a friend. (But that's just context not my point lol) And then my mom came into my room and found out how bad I really felt. I was so distraught to be embarrassed anymore so I just told her how bad I felt inside and how depressed I was again. And the most amazing thing was, every single day since she has treated me normal but showed me how much I matter to not only her but my entire family. She doesn't always understand me and sometimes asks too many questions, but she lets me have my bad days while still showing she cares. I could not have asked for a better outcome because it was scary as hell telling my mom about my suicidal thoughts and depression. I thought she was going to take me out of school and put me into a clinic or something. And on the other end, it's great that you recognize how can they help if they don't know because it's so true. My friends and I have gotten a lot closer, and I've also gotten a lot better friends which I am grateful for, and we've talked about scary shit like that. Every time it seems scary as hell, but after they do it I feel closer to them. They opened up to me and although I sometimes get really scared that they might have these thoughts again, it helps me understand that I should probably not flake on them because I know there were days I just needed my friends to not flake this f****** once lol. It is beyond scary to open up about serious thoughts but I honestly think the best thing for you to do, and again I don't know shit, is to write your parents a letter like this. If they end up being shitty parents and make you feel worse then email me, but I think we don't give our parents enough credit for what they have been through and how much they can help.
A counselor is always good, and I know they are super expensive but sometimes it's worth it. Just like our education, it's an investment in yourself because we deserve to be here. That entire post is about how you made others feel and you feel like you're not taking responsibility for it but reread your post. You feel bad for disappointing them and hurting them, you feel bad for "ruining their life" and being irrational. You feel bad for other people and that's one of the best things but mentally worse things a person could be. You did not ruin your life or theirs, everything can be fixed but it can't if you're not here.

And to be honest I understand exactly what I am about to say will be the most unwanted information, because I mentally ear muffed myself when my friends talked about my relationship. But the best thing for yourself is to tell yourself that you deserve time. You might not want time, but you deserve time to relax from this relationship. And I know that just makes our minds go crazy thinking of what he could be doing, but one of the best things for me was the first weekend (on my terms) I didn't talk to my ex at all. I just did whatever I wanted. Read, read, read. I think that's pretty much all I did because I was trying to focus on the fact that he didn't call and I'm telling you I went from legit CRAZY to every week getting better. We fought tonight, I had bad thoughts, but I talked to someone about it that wasn't him because he's not the one whos going to get me through it. He's not a good guy for me. Only you know if he's not a good guy for you, but if he is then you're really lucky and need to understand that no matter how much love you have for him and your relationship, you need to have love for yourself and do things for you. He will understand that and probably be so happy that you're looking out for you. You deserve really good things but you have to start admitting to yourself that you do. Don't sell yourself short to suicide when you care that much about at least 3 other people.

Here are some things someone sent me and they seem silly but I've tried a few and they really do help. Just take it day by day and if you have a bad day then learn your coping mechanism and try to start over the next. You got this. Just try to talk to them if you want.
http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/pages/ ... kills.aspx

laurenipsum
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:19 pm

Re: Stuck in a Viscious Cycle of Self Sabotage and I want to die.

Postby laurenipsum » Sun Feb 10, 2019 7:46 am

Hi there,

Your post really resonated with me and I wanted to reply.

First, I wanted to say that the way you wrote the introduction, like the first three paragraphs, is wonderfully evocative and captures the essence of depression and self-loathing so well. You are a good writer and a sensitive, thinking human being. You really put into words the despair that one feels when just standing by watching one's life crash and burn, through your own actions ... a feeling that, believe me, so many people are familiar with, on and off these boards.

I am mostly writing to say that I can relate to your story and to share something similar that I've done. I hope that realizing you're not alone will help you feel better. I don't have much in the way of advice except that I would urge you to talk to a therapist or counselor. I will also say, as the other posters have pointed out, that you are probably being way too hard on yourself, and that the people around you do apparently care for you a great deal and will very likely forgive the things you've done. I mean yes, you have to take steps to do better in the future, but don't keep beating yourself up over behavior that is completely understandable once you take depression, anxiety, and self-hate into account.

Here is my story, or actually just one of my stories, that reminded me of yours.

Years ago, a friend of mine offered to invest in a creative project of mine. She happened to have a lot of family money and was really the only person in my orbit who could be considered wealthy. it was hugely generous of her to do this. She and many other of our mutual friends dedicated time, work, and money to this project. I mean like over a year of work and, in her case, a lot of money.

When the project was done I was disappointed in the finished product and was very depressed that the whole thing was, in my mind, a horrific, embarrassing failure. But the worst thing I did was I "ghosted" on everyone, including the friend who had invested money. I basically disappeared, did not participate in trying to promote the project ... and the absolute worst worst thing I did was I refused to talk to this friend about any of it. The ridiculous truth was I was so abjectly afraid of getting "yelled at," I was so terrified of conflict, that I preferred to end the creative relationship and the friendship, in a crummy, hurtful way, rather than talk honestly with my friend and risk her being angry and speaking sharply to me. I disappeared from her life and refused to respond to her. But it's not like I was enjoying this and laughing about it. It was a horrible nightmare as I just watched myself making terrible, cowardly choices and everything spiraling, slow-motion, into worse and worse destruction. I hurt a lot of people and of course also hurt my own life, though in my case I deserved it. After that incident, I felt so guilty that, I believe, it strangled my ability and desire to do any more creative work of that sort, and limited my life in many ways.

I wish I could turn time back as well, and make that whole thing not happen. But what can we do?

I wish you all the best and hope you take steps to feel better and get your life on a good path.

graceforeverandever
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Apr 22, 2018 8:51 pm

Re: Stuck in a Viscious Cycle of Self Sabotage and I want to die.

Postby graceforeverandever » Sun Feb 17, 2019 11:28 pm

Thank you for sharing your concerns with us. I’m truly sorry that you are dealing with such a difficult situation. These forums are great for sharing burdens, and venting. Even in the darkest moments in our lives there’s always hope. It is understandable the way what you feel. Remember that you are valuable, important and worthy person. In regards to your relationship, it might be best to consider moving on and focus on your well-being and try to carry on with your state of life. Have you thought of seeking counseling or therapy to help you overcome what is causing you to encounter depression? Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You are valuable and worthy of fighting for. Therapy can be helpful to find ways to overcome or take control of the situation. I hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.-keep us posted, OK?


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