Hi, I'm old and my dreams are all ashes

Introductions and welcomes.

Moderators: windsong, cj-, BlueGobi, Moderators, Frame

laurenipsum
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:19 pm

Hi, I'm old and my dreams are all ashes

Postby laurenipsum » Mon Jan 21, 2019 7:14 pm

So, if you're 18 or 22 or 34 and thinking, "I've ruined my life with my bad decisions," imagine how much more that would suck if you were 58 and you realize at this point that it's ... well ... objectively true. That's where I'm at.

I've really made a series of the most boneheaded, immature, stupid decisions, over and over, and have nothing now. No kids. A bad relationship that I'm ending. Career? I have a job and I know I'm lucky to have one, but I really did have talent for another field. I really did, but few people make it in that field and I'm too old now, but I never wanted to do anything else, and when I go to my "regular job" I feel so bitter that I didn't get to have a life doing the work I wanted, and I can't blame anyone but myself, I could have tried harder, I could have been smarter about it.

My money situation is horrible because of some investments I got talked into making. I should not be in the financial straits I'm in at my age, but I am and don't know how I'm going to get out of it.

I wake at 3 a.m. and stare at the ceiling and wonder what the hell happened to the years and how I will make it through the next years. I have a few people I can confide in but I feel like they're getting tired of my same old song.

Thanks for reading.

Eboni
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2019 9:07 am

Re: Hi, I'm old and my dreams are all ashes

Postby Eboni » Sat Feb 02, 2019 9:27 am

Hi, I hear you, the title of your thread caught my attention, as I too am old, I'm almost 70, and my dreams are all ashes as well.....we are not alone in this though. Although it may feel that we are, that is why I've joined this forum because I too am looking for comfort with hopefully like minded people. I too have made terrible decisions in my life, with dreadful repercussions. Please though, understand that I understand how you are feeling. And like you, I have no one to blame but myself for the choices and decisions that I have made, nevertheless, it's still hard. And, I've had years upon years of counselling, without which I don't think I would have coped. And, I'm still in need of counselling, although, I'm not actually in crisis at the moment, but this time last year I was. Anyway, I'm just reaching out to you to see if you'd like to talk with me here in the forums, kind thoughts to you.

lifegetsbetter
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2019 7:18 pm

Re: Hi, I'm old and my dreams are all ashes

Postby lifegetsbetter » Sat Feb 02, 2019 7:34 pm

I am in my 50s, looking at a divorce soon, have children that I don't want to see hurt, and I, too, realize that my life wasn't the stellar explosion I was expecting it to be from my youth. But I can honestly tell you I am happy. No, there isn't a new relationship that is making me feel great. The fact is I am looking at facing the later days of my life alone. But I am still happy. I wasn't always happy. I suffered from depression very much up until my early 30s. Then I became a born again Christian. Now I am not going to preach because I don't think that is what you want to hear. And to be honest, it was still a long time after my 30s and 40s before I got over some major stuff. As for the depression, I was always attached to other people. I needed to be accepted. I used to look in the mirror and think you are a loser. But I am not a loser. I stuck it through, and I saw that life is worth living. It really does get better. And sometimes we face hard realities in our older days because we made poor choice in our early days. But I am still happy. I am so happy. I got something that I will never let go. Just know you need to keep looking. You need to not give up. You will find it. And if it isn't against the forum rules, I will say prayer for you that you do make that find.
By the way, I got my bucket list. Can't say I really marked off a lot. One thing I did do was run a triathlon a couple years back. That felt really good. Stick with it. Life will get better.

laurenipsum
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:19 pm

Re: Hi, I'm old and my dreams are all ashes

Postby laurenipsum » Sun Feb 03, 2019 9:44 am

Hi Eboni, thank you so much for responding! It certainly does help to feel that I am not alone in my feelings. I would love to talk.

I am not seeing a therapist right now but I would like to. As you probably know, it's hard to find the right one. I don't think I'm too picky but I want to talk to someone who "gets" me and I haven't always found that. Also, I don't know what I can afford, what my insurance will cover if anything, etc., so the whole thing feels quite overwhelming, but I definitely need to figure it out.

Kind thoughts to you, and I hope you are feeling well!

Eboni wrote:Hi, I hear you, the title of your thread caught my attention, as I too am old, I'm almost 70, and my dreams are all ashes as well.....we are not alone in this though. Although it may feel that we are, that is why I've joined this forum because I too am looking for comfort with hopefully like minded people. I too have made terrible decisions in my life, with dreadful repercussions. Please though, understand that I understand how you are feeling. And like you, I have no one to blame but myself for the choices and decisions that I have made, nevertheless, it's still hard. And, I've had years upon years of counselling, without which I don't think I would have coped. And, I'm still in need of counselling, although, I'm not actually in crisis at the moment, but this time last year I was. Anyway, I'm just reaching out to you to see if you'd like to talk with me here in the forums, kind thoughts to you.

laurenipsum
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:19 pm

Re: Hi, I'm old and my dreams are all ashes

Postby laurenipsum » Sun Feb 03, 2019 9:52 am

Hi, thank you so much for responding. I really appreciate it.

It is great to hear that you came to feel that life is worth living despite disappointments. I also love to hear that you ran a triathlon -- that's awesome, and inspiring.

I agree that depending on other people's opinions for a sense of self-worth is a recipe for depression ... but it's a hard thing to stop doing, and I guess there was something in my childhood and younger years that set me on that path. Or perhaps everyone is hardwired to do that to a greater or lesser extent.

All the best to you and thank you again for responding.

lifegetsbetter wrote:I am in my 50s, looking at a divorce soon, have children that I don't want to see hurt, and I, too, realize that my life wasn't the stellar explosion I was expecting it to be from my youth. But I can honestly tell you I am happy. No, there isn't a new relationship that is making me feel great. The fact is I am looking at facing the later days of my life alone. But I am still happy. I wasn't always happy. I suffered from depression very much up until my early 30s. Then I became a born again Christian. Now I am not going to preach because I don't think that is what you want to hear. And to be honest, it was still a long time after my 30s and 40s before I got over some major stuff. As for the depression, I was always attached to other people. I needed to be accepted. I used to look in the mirror and think you are a loser. But I am not a loser. I stuck it through, and I saw that life is worth living. It really does get better. And sometimes we face hard realities in our older days because we made poor choice in our early days. But I am still happy. I am so happy. I got something that I will never let go. Just know you need to keep looking. You need to not give up. You will find it. And if it isn't against the forum rules, I will say prayer for you that you do make that find.
By the way, I got my bucket list. Can't say I really marked off a lot. One thing I did do was run a triathlon a couple years back. That felt really good. Stick with it. Life will get better.


Return to “New Member Introductions”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests