Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Sun Aug 12, 2018 8:42 am


Postby Rencha » Sun Aug 12, 2018 11:34 am

I'm tired of smiling. I'm tired of laugh. I'm tired of always giving the perfect advice. I'm tired of always being "okay" or "fine". I'm tired of understanding everyone's pain and nobody understanding mine. I'm tired of being tires all the time. I want to hurt. I want to show the world I'm not okay. I want to cry and scream and be angry. I want to show them my scars. I want a hug. Now I want to die because I've been hiding myself so long that I dont know if I even want to heal. I'm just so exhausted. But I know I need to learn to be okay for real. I need to heal. But I dont know how.

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Location: Pennsylvania, USA


Postby RagingCalm » Sun Aug 12, 2018 1:31 pm

I think I understand, a bit, on how you feel. It seems that lately, with some exceptions, it's just a constant state of fatigue. Even minor chores feel like monumental undertakings even though I know I can get them done in a few minutes if I just apply myself. The trouble is mustering the energy, the caring, and fighting through the apathy.

I've definitely have had those days where I just want to die and be done with it. For the pain to stop. However, I tell myself that if I do, my parents and my brother will be upset and I hate making my family sad. I finally told my Mom about my depression, how it feels like the world is closing in around me, and how hopeless it all seems. To my great surprise, she told me that she's had those same feelings.

I find that talking through depression helps. To not ball up and keep feelings silent. The silence is the worst because then the problems just fester and brew, in my experience. It also helps to acknowledge my limitations and to realize that I'm mortal and human. I can't do everything and yeah, I need help. For one specific problem, I finally waved the white flag on my house's overgrown weed problem that I know upsets my neighbors. I know it'll cost extra money but I also know it'll be one fewer problem off my back that I'd have to deal with or I can at least manage.

I hope this helps. I'm not an expert at all, and just trying to reply with my experience in trying to deal with my depression.

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Postby Suzi » Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:08 am

Rencha, I'm so sorry you're in hard place. There are people who want to hear your story and help you heal. I was just thinking this morning that one of the best things I ever did was get out of my own head. I got so tired of the downward spiral and knew I didn't want to live like that. I started reading stories of other people and learning what they did to get out of the pit, to be happy again. Sometimes we need another person's perspective on us and our situation.

I also listened to New Live radio call in program (with Steve Arterburn). I have learned so much from listening to the callers' questions and the counselors' advice. They are good at suggesting resources too.

If you are open to reading, some of my favorite books are Mood Swings by Paul Meier and Happiness is a Choice by Frank Minirth. Also Joni E. Tada's life story and anything written by her.

Have you considered joining a support group? Google Celebrate Recovery. There may be a group in your area. And this is the time of year a lot of new groups are forming.

I'm saying a prayer for you today. If you think you need to talk to someone, you can talk to trained counselors at 855-382-5433.

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