I just don't want to be here anymore

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2018 9:20 am

I just don't want to be here anymore

Postby MelAnne » Mon Jun 25, 2018 9:32 am

I have lost the will to fight this.
I am tired, no, I am exhuasted.
I am so disappointed.
I don't want to live in the world our society has become.

My husband of 33 yrs has a blood clot on his head that caused a bleed, then a seizure.
Our oldest son is living back at home, and speaks to me with little to no respect.
Our youngest son abuses drugs.

I lost my job for unfair circumstances, including my fighting anxiety and PTSD on top of trying to be 'normal' while I watch my son slowly kill himself every day.

My own depression worsened when I was unfairly let go, and I have been suicidal ever since August 2017.

I'm now just done.
I fear nothing.
I hope for a car wreak when on the road.
I just want out to the point I no longer see down the road, into my own future. Not even next week.
It's like my mind has already come to terms "it doesn't matter, you won't be here anyway, why waste any thoughts on the next week, month, year of your life"

I have fought depression.
Pulled my boot straps up, leaned into my faith, and carried on.
This time it's different.
I'm so tired.
I have no gumption or care anymore.

Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Jun 07, 2018 6:22 am

Re: I just don't want to be here anymore

Postby jennypa » Wed Jun 27, 2018 9:35 pm

Dear MelAnne,

You have been through the toughest times. It seems that you may have lost everything. But please hang on in there. There is someone who does care for you. You are not alone in this fight.

Whenever I feel like I've been beaten up by the world, I listen to music that lifts me up, which in turn gives me more courage to face the challenges in this world. Keep on fighting, you will find a way out of this. You are strong. Don't give up. I have high hopes for you.


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Joined: Tue Mar 20, 2018 10:05 pm

Re: I just don't want to be here anymore

Postby foreverbeach11 » Thu Jun 28, 2018 10:35 pm

Hi MelAnne. I know life can really be hard and family can make it even harder. You are in tough times now and I am sorry it's difficult right now. Don't give up! Keep leaning in on your faith. He is always there to listen and hears your prayers. I know it is hard right now but keep pushing on. Have you considered counseling to help you with these difficult times? Maybe talking to someone would help you with ways of managing your emotions? Have you considered looking for another job? Maybe finding another job would help you refocus. You are not alone and you are in my thoughts. Keep posting maybe this can help you get past this tough time.

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Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 11:36 pm

Re: I just don't want to be here anymore

Postby littlestarsmum » Thu Jun 28, 2018 11:18 pm

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through, MelAnne. My heart ached as I read your post, and I wish I could give you a hug. I know how difficult and painful it must be for you. Life can be stressful, and intense feelings can be nearly overwhelming at times. But remember that your life is precious and no situation is hopeless. Are you seeing a therapist/counselor for your struggles? A caring professional might be able to give you solid guidance. I just said a prayer for you and your family, and I hope that God will surround you with His comfort and peace. Please know that you can always come here to share and I’m here to support you. Your situation may seem impossible right now, but I do believe there is hope. Stay strong. Love & hugs to you!

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Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2018 8:10 am

Re: I just don't want to be here anymore

Postby angelheart007 » Sun Jul 01, 2018 8:18 am

I'm sorry you're struggling with those life issues, anyone would. What I will tell you, is that you are not alone and there are a lot of people who care and will try and be there for you. You mentioned your faith, and I would urge you to speak to your pastor or counselor to help you process these life events and help get a better foundation on which to stand. I'm so sorry to hear of your husband's medical condition and yours as well. It's a lot to try and carry on your own. There may be services and benefits in your area you may be eligible for that could help in the transition, especially in the work place and in seeking and securing employment. I hope you'll reach out again to someone who can help you and will be there for you and help with the dynamics of your adult children too. My heart just breaks for you and I wish I could be there to help in some way, even if to only sit silently beside you so you'd know you are not alone.

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Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2018 4:05 pm

Re: I just don't want to be here anymore

Postby tops » Mon Jul 02, 2018 4:29 pm

When it seems just about everything is going wrong and there is no hope for the future, turn to your faith. Remember times past when things may not have been so bright and how you overcame whatever hurt you. Think of each and every blessing you had along the way and there must be some you can still think of even now. Put your energy into the son who disrespects you so much for example. Remember him when he was younger and different. Try to see why he is treating you this way. Can you approach him in such a way that he will want to hear you out at least. Perhaps he cares for his brother and you can enlist his help in getting him straightened out. There is always hope. I have seen drug addicts recover and lead a good life. They need family and tough love.
The health issues must be dealt with and you should seek out organizations that give support.
I know you are here due to depression and a feeling you cannot go on, but you are here. That tells me you want answers and results and not to give up.
You must talk to your family and bring them around. It takes some time, but it can be done.
Bless you.

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Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:45 pm

Re: I just don't want to be here anymore

Postby Cactus.ly » Tue Jul 17, 2018 9:30 pm

Your headline stuck out to me. It's how I feel as well. Is this what we want to participate in? I am sorry that you are stuck in this wave of unpleasantness. I do not know what to say that can help. It would be nice if we could schedule a suicide and not be called crazy but instead, meet with someone regularly on the way to that date, to see where we are at with the feeling and the things in our life that make us feel this way. I think just having the option and having people sit down with you and talk about it with dignity would go a long way...

Because this is not who you are, it's how your environment is making you feel.

All I can say is, decide what you are willing to do, and don't give up on you.

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