defective.

Everyday life. How was your day?

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une.chanteuse
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu May 17, 2018 8:56 pm

defective.

Postby une.chanteuse » Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:47 pm

For as long as I can remember I have never felt like I was of any consequence to anyone. As I child I always worked as hard as I could to get good grades, be good and practice piano like I was supposed to because I craved that moment where someone would say that I was good enough and worthy of their love. Whether it be because of talent, or intelligence or beauty. And for a minute it would feel like I mattered and that someone cared but it would fade so quickly and leave me feeling completely alone inside. I have always given immensely and cared so deeply about the people I love to the point where I don't think they understand how even the smallest negative thing from them shatters me. I think that's why it hurts even more when I go to the same people and say "I don't know how to be happy" and they either say I'm just "too emotional" or somehow ungrateful for what seems to be the status quo. I have felt alone inside for as long as I can remember and have spent 30 years trying to earn people's love.

I am so tired. I wish I could feel joy. Satisfaction. Content. It has reached a point where I have barely spoken to my husband in a few days because I can't think past how much I wish it could just be over. All I want to say to him is "I'm sorry that you married me. I am sorry that I can't be a good enough wife to you. I am sorry that I am complicated beyond what I can understand. I was just made this way and I can't fix it."

I am so tired of trying and wishing I felt loved or happy or anything. Everyday is a countdown to sleep. When can I just make it stop? I don't have the guts to kill myself. I don't have the means get help but I can't live like this anymore.

Janine28
Posts: 48
Joined: Wed Apr 18, 2018 7:55 pm

Re: defective.

Postby Janine28 » Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:39 pm

I felt as you did at one point. Have you considered medication?

lovetodance2018
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 3:11 pm

Re: defective.

Postby lovetodance2018 » Fri Jun 15, 2018 11:02 am

My heart goes out to you. I have been where you are. First of all, you need to learn not to be so hard on yourself. You are a wonderful caring person. You are beautiful on the inside and out. You are uniquely made and there is only one of you. What helped me was getting the right help through counseling, medications, knowing my triggers, keeping my thoughts under control, and strategies on how to cope when I am feeling low. I learned many times I had unrealistic expectations for myself and others. This group (https://bit.ly/2DS3v7S) has counseling online and can give you recommendation on how to proceed to get better. Also one of my favorite books that helped me is called Battlefield of the Mind (https://bit.ly/2IQhptu). It teaches you how to keep your thoughts under control and keep them in perspective. I will be praying for you. Know you are not alone and you will feel better. Please feel free to pm me anytime. Everyone at DUF is here for you and cares. Hugs.


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