Lost

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Connoisseur7824
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jun 04, 2018 3:31 am

Lost

Postby Connoisseur7824 » Mon Jun 04, 2018 5:58 pm

I don't even know where to begin, I'm honestly not used to be the one asking for help or advice, I do better being the one who listens and gives advice to people I care about, but now I realize there's a point like this that you just break. I know I'm not alone I know that there are people close to me that are willing to help but I just can't bear the feeling of being a burden to their emotions, specially when I know firsthand what they are going theough themselves it's just hard for me to have them worry about me. I just wanna let this out because I feel like if I didn't, I will explode one day. I wanna be honest with all the feelings I have.

I'm a long way from home, from people who truly know me and care about me. Something horrible happened and like I said I'm never used to be the one telling people my problems, so I kept it all to myself, for too long that it did a number on me on a daily basis in a way that I just woke up one day realizing I'm barely in touch with who I really am anymore. I'm not saying I'm right about this but this is what I've been feeling,

To help someone understand where I'm coming from I'm gonna try to make my story short and clear, 3 years ago on my very birthday my Ex-husband killed my bestfriend for reasons I still couldn't understand. I know that he did that out of spite when we got divorce and knowing that my bestfriend was the closest to my heart, he took her away just to get back at me. She's my bestfriend since childhood and no we weren't in a romantic relationship. What we had was pure sisterhood and loyalty. I was here in the U.S when it happened and they were in the Philippines. The amount of guilt I've been carrying with me for what had happened to her took a toll on me, but at first I tried to set all that aside, I didn't get to grieve grieve right because I was just angry at the time I wanted to focus on catching my ex-husband since he ran back here in the U.S and hid right after he did the crime. I was the only one who could help do that since everyone else was in the Philippines, I contacted every single authority I could get help from to get in touch with the Department of Justice in the Philippines to help solve the case. I went to tv stations to ask for help broadcasting the story so we could find him. After forty days he was caught, I appeared to every hearing for his extradition proceeding making sure he gets sent back to the Philippines so he would pay for what he did. It all became fruitful when he was indeed extradited. I flew back to the Philippines to get my son back where he left him in the hands of strangers after he did the crime, it was very traumatic experience specially for my son. I tried to get myself together by working and take care of my son, everyday I tried my best to live normally for the sake of my son, he gets bullied in school for everything that happened which lead me to move places a couple times, I was doing good trying to put up a face but I was just dead inside. After a year I decided to move out of state where I have a lot of friends from back home. At first I thought it was a good change, because I was not alone anymore, I had friends surrounding me, it was all positive. For the first time in a long time I was having fun. It changed me, I develop poor judgement in people I hang out with, and my friends turned their backs from me and made me look bad making up stories about me which are far from the truth, next thing I knew I was alone again, I'm having a hard time trusting people, I had a couple relationship that didn't work because I was too closed off and no matter how much I tried to open up I just couldn't. I had to send my son back to the Philippines in the care of my family to make sure he'll be well taken care of because I started feeing like I'm losing it and I don't want my son to suffer along with me.

And I'm literally alone, I seem to keep messing things up and people around me never fail to remind me of that, it got so bad that everytime I try to get myself together someone would do something to get to me and next thing I know I'm pulled back from the low again. It feels like I'm always trying to swim back up grasping for air above water but something always pulls me down everytime I do, and I'm starting to feel exhausted, I feel like I'm about to finally drown for I can feel less power on my kicks to keep me afloat.

I never told anyone about how I feel. Because it's too dark and too emotional for this kind of place where everybody seem to not take matters like this seriously. I know that because I look around and observe, they think depression is a joke and they make fun of you because of it. So I put my guard up even more each time I realize that. The truth is I'm stuck here. I can't seem to find my way out of these kinds of people, it may sound a bit exaggerating but one way to put it is it feels like I got mixed up in a gang where it was all fun at first and exciting, you get to try new things but then one day you wake up and realize how this isn't you and you want out they will make your life miserable. I'm a very strong person I know that, I keep telling myself that I've been through a lot worse than all of these and I managed to pull through, only to realized that I never really did, and I seem to be breaking right now for a lot less reasons because it all build up on me.

I put up this persona after my bestfriend died because I'm scared as hell to go through life without her. I feel like I have to act tougher than ever because she's not here to have my back anymore and it's something that I carry with me in everyday. I've been doing it for too long somehow I feel like I lost who I really am anymore. And I don't know what to do.

Suzi
Posts: 38
Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:33 am

Re: Lost

Postby Suzi » Tue Jun 05, 2018 10:36 am

Connoisseur, I am so sorry for your loss. Please accept my sympathy. I wonder if you ever really grieved for your friend. Considering the circumstances of her death and everything else that what going on (getting your ex-husband caught and extradited, caring for your son, etc.), I suspect that you haven't cared for yourself and grieved your losses.

And it saddens me that you think people treat depression like a joke. I certainly don't! I have suffered from depression and anxiety and I know from personal experience how real it is. Please believe me when I say that there is help.

Have you considered joining a support group? Celebrate recovery is a good one. You can find one in your area at locator.crgroups.info

Take advantage of online help and resources, such as these articles: https://bit.ly/2JaR4Hw

Experiencing Grief by H. Norm Wright is an excellent book on processing grief also.

I am saying a prayer for you as you process all these things and begin to heal from your pain and hurt.

du4mmb
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2016 5:03 pm

Re: Lost

Postby du4mmb » Mon Jun 18, 2018 7:43 am

Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your friend. You have gone through many circumstances which most people probably will not; including myself. (Although I have lost a loved one.) So I can’t exactly say that I know what you’re going through. What I do know is that a person would be lucky to have a friend like you. You value loyalty and have the love needed to make friendships work. This says a lot about who you are along with the strength you exhibited when dealing with your situation. You can make it through this difficult time in your life, and come out a stronger determined person. You have what it takes, and with your son, you have another chance to make a great life for both of you. Just choose to live each day doing the best you can with what you have. And work towards getting your son back! Hoping you receive what’s best!


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