Trying to deal with apathy among other ailments

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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GloomyDrift
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:09 pm

Trying to deal with apathy among other ailments

Postby GloomyDrift » Sun Apr 22, 2018 8:09 pm

Hi, I'm Jonas. I'm a new member here and atm I just want to lay out my thoughts on the table and see where that goes.

I'll lay out certain fundamental information before I dwell into my current struggles.

Basic information: Age-18, country of origin: Lithuania, Sex: Male.

Short story of my past: I migrated to US with my sister and mom at around the age of 10. Adapting to the different social dynamics, learning a new language, and the stress to make new friends and find my little nest have all played a role in contributing in some way to my oppressive depression. During middle-school and high-school I was occasionally bullied which also played a role in my low-self esteem. The necessity to fit in with my (now) drastically different external circumstances was weighing on me. I cared "too" much about my appearance and my social game (how I was perceived by my peers). Due to my drastic failure in the latter part of my primary concerns it crippled my self-esteem even more so. I couldn't fit in with my peers no matter what I did or what I said. Looking back in retrospect I can see that I was a little odd due to how I rationalized and I'm not surprised I received the treatment I've received(although not justly it's still understandable). Soon after all those events have played out I dropped out of high-school and got my GED. There's a lot more that I didn't go into for example --- domestic ordeals, but I want to keep it relatively short.

Now I'm 18 and I'm basically standing on quick sand. It's seemingly only a matter of time before my time is depleted...I'm extremely apathetic and nothing seems interesting...including people. My minimal interests, failures, negative past experiences, and various philosophical views have lead me to complete stagnation. In regards to my environmental circumstances, I've remained in the exact same place for over a year now. Sleeping, going on my computer, going back to sleep. Why? Action is a gamble. Inaction is almost a certainty that it'll lead to a worse or the same place, but action is a gamble nonetheless. Action isn't a guarantee to lead one to a better place. It could go either way and in my case It's a must to undergo certain hardships before I can even have the "possible" chance at obtaining some form of contentment. I'm 18 and my parents are tired of me "freeloading". If I want to go down the road of "attempting", I'll have to get a shitty minimum wage job. That's the first step. I've been employed before for 2 weeks before I quit...Holding a certain job is also all about perspective. It's like persevering in school...Some might find some purpose in it, others might not. Others might find it interesting, others vaguely interesting, and for others it's better to die. It's more or less like a bell curve and so it's very hard to "compare" one's experience to another due to the discrepancy in perspective. In my case it'd rather die...As I already mentioned the "contentment" in my part of this journey is not a guarantee, but the pain and discomfort certainly is. I have no goals to pursue...I have nothing to drive me to actually go through this BS. There's nothing that I'm aiming for. Finding a goal should be the priority but I can't seem to find anything. Sustaining 15 minutes of attention on a certain task is already my "f*** this shit threshold" if you will. Suicide has always been an option which at times seems way more appealing than "action" in my case.

Halljo123
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Apr 23, 2018 8:33 am

Re: Trying to deal with apathy among other ailments

Postby Halljo123 » Mon Apr 23, 2018 8:39 am

Hey there. Just read your post. Here to chat if you would like. I struggle with many of the same things as you describe.. we need to support each other. And fight this. I may have a few ideas. My name is John. Have a great day

Janine28
Posts: 30
Joined: Wed Apr 18, 2018 7:55 pm

Re: Trying to deal with apathy among other ailments

Postby Janine28 » Sat May 12, 2018 12:10 am

I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make everything better! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I suffered a lot of THE SAME EXACT STUFF you are going through/went through. Depressed to much to care about ANYTHING and just wanted to sleep all the time just to avoid life! Tried suicide 4 times and so glad it didn't work because I have actually found happiness. I am 42 years old and this past year has been the best year so far of my LIFE! I suffered from severe depression for 28 years. I went through therapy and medication, sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't. Are you seeking professional help or trying medication? My depression was so severe that most anti-depressants didn't work, then someone told me about Ketamine Infusions. Since I took them, I am off of almost all my medication and never been this happy! I want you to get as much help as you can NOW before you wake up one day and you're 40 years old still stuck in the same spot you were in when you were 18 like me! There is nothing wrong with seeing someone for professional help or taking medication....If your happy, then who cares how you got there! I'm here for you!

GloomyDrift
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:09 pm

Re: Trying to deal with apathy among other ailments

Postby GloomyDrift » Sat May 12, 2018 5:27 pm

Hey, sorry for this late response.

Yes, I've tried numerous anti-depressants, mood stabilizers and therapies to no avail and now I'm currently trying TMS (on 4th weeks). I'm not ashamed of my depression or of taking medication, but I'm rather upset at the indignation of being put through this anguish(indignation fuels further indignation and the cycle perpetuates but it's an accumulation of me and perceiving the past in light is in present pretty much impossible due to severe depression and pessimism.) When you detest your life so much that you try to bash your head in to make the reality dissipate is beyond value. Indeed, it is immeasurable...So, suffering for another 20+ years and then obtaining great contentment or ecstasy would never, never do justice to the past. In fact, if I ever did somehow manage to live long with such severe and debilitating depression, then it'd be a form of experiment for me. How long will it take to obtain happiness? How long will I eat dirt before there's no dirt to eat? Of course I don't know the future or why I would live how I would live and it's coming from my limited perspective but this "me" knows the feeling of this experience better than any future me...Because it can feel the pain...understanding and not feeling...hah, those are two different definitions. The reality is I never signed up for life nor did I choose my mental state or how I interact or interacted with my peers...Just like "I" didn't choose to torture myself in hopes of snuffing the remaining light. That's a certainty and it's supported by psychology and neuroscience. However, deflecting the cause to something else will still inevitability lead me to being a victim (if we incorporate logic). For example, if we entertain that the universe or universes(assuming there's multiverses) had some divine creator without going into specific detail or amusing any religion...just leaving it at "there might be some creator" then that would inevitably imply that I was meant to suffer and it's justified by the divine deity. Indeed, the people that were "rude" were acting from their limitations and how they viewed this world...This rule doesn't apply to just kids, it applies to adults too. We're an aggregation of fine limitations acting according to those limitations and it's very obvious if we look at the evolution of a man and it's contemporaries (no need for ancient history, just observe with eyes and ruminate/contemplate.) I've also been hospitalized 5 times, or who knows how many times...I've lost track tbh. Now, I know for a fact by having spoken to many people including my parents that very few undergo what I've underwent and endured and especially by such young age....This doesn't make me stronger...This doesn't consolidate the pain and form a structure of power as some call it...This kills me and undermines my strength day by day. If I ever overcome this, I'll be scarred with the inevitable suffering of my previous nightmare...Will overcoming this make me stronger? Huh, assuming I'm able of overcoming this, I don't think so...Which is why for many depression never leaves. A life long recovery and struggle is what they say which is from many testimonies and not my "depression" speaking but rather statistics and data.

Jaycdp
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat May 12, 2018 10:15 pm

Re: Trying to deal with apathy among other ailments

Postby Jaycdp » Sat May 12, 2018 11:14 pm

As long as you can go for a walk you are good, I don't even feel like going for a walk anymore. Depression is eating my life


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