How do I begin?
I recently returned from teaching in the UK for 2 years. Within a few weeks of living back home, I realised everything had changed. Nothing was the same. It was already difficult living abroad on my own for 2 years and I thought I could come back to something familiar. But no. People are different now. I had this illusion that I was mightily missed, like I had been missing everyone else. In England, I tried to fool myself that whenever my friends were happily celebrating during the festive seasons that inside, they were still thinking of me. How stupid was I? I realised that although I had stayed the same, everyone else's life had moved on without me. The "gap" that I was thinking I had left was easily filled with something else. I was disposable. I still am disposable. I am worthless. Why did I even return? No-one cares whether I was gone or back.
I tried to get closer to my friends again. The ones who I thought were my closest, even best friends. That included my younger sister. Again, I was wrong. How stupid to think that she was still the same. She no longer sees me as a friend. She sees me as a bother. She doesn't want to know what I do every day. She doesn't want to hear my gossip. She doesn't care about my opinions about TV shows. We are no longer "we". It's just her and I. Two separate identities. It feels like we are further apart than when I was in England. I can't explain this hurt I am feeling. It really burns. It stings my heart, my eyes, my throat. I feel like I can't breathe. Every moment I think about this, tears are just rolling down my face. But even though she has changed, it took me little time to discover the "new" her. The "her" that thinks I'm a bother when I ask "her" and my "friends" out. The "her" that thinks I am over-thinking it when I get "defensive" about why I constantly ask to go out with them every weekend when I come back home (I had to move out again for teaching purposes, but a few hours drive).
I am tired. Since coming back home, I have done nothing but cry alone to myself. I hate crying. I hate feeling useless.
We had another fight again. Admittedly, I started the fight. I apologised for making a big deal. She doesn't care.
I don't know what to do. It seems like everything I try to do just backfires. This is pointless. Life feels pointless. I have nowhere to go. No-one to turn to. I know I desperately need help but my pride refuses to let me tell anyone. I used to ask my friends, "Why do people physically harm themselves? Don't they know they're just being selfish? They're not just harming themselves, they're harming their loved ones too by making them worry and sad." Who knew I would discover the feelings that those people felt.
I felt the urge to pick up a knife. I was too cowardly to strike at my own wrist. Or maybe I was just too proud. I'm sure it was the first, even though I keep trying to fool myself it was the latter.
What would my boyfriend think? He is such a simple soul. A kind soul. He deserves someone better. But I know I can't live without him. He is the only one who whole-heartedly loves me right now and has always loved me. He hasn't changed. If it wasn't for him, I'm sure I would have hurt myself tonight.
I chose to share my story because I don't know who to turn to. I can't involve my boyfriend in the madness that's running through my head. I want to keep my pure and eternal image inside his mind. I guess my pride I killing me from the inside as well.
I am going to use this blog to anonymously post. I hope it's enough to keep me sane.
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