im dying and no one cares

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bennysmith
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby bennysmith » Tue Aug 14, 2018 8:02 am

Just don't die life is amazing. It sucks many times but still think about the beautiful life has given you.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Aug 27, 2018 11:17 am

Hi there Beebz. Thank you for writing back. I was worried about you because it's been awhile and thank you too benny.

Right now things are not good for me at all. It's like everything in my world is crashing down. My father is in the hospital right now and from what it seems he may not make it out this time. His health has been going downhill quickly this summer but still I'm not prepared to lose him yet. I guess no one ever is. My mother who of course like I said is still recovering from her stroke is exhausted and worried too and that is not good for her either. She is really suffering badly.

It doesn't help that the hospital is not taking good care of my dad. They have his medicine all messed up and it's not doing it's job because they can't get it straightened out. He can't eat or drink anything because every time he does he keeps throwing up. It's been three days since he's kept any food and water down and they won't start an IV. WHY ? I have no idea nobody can figure that out. A man with a heart condition like his cannot go for three days with no food or water. Nobody can, .... even people with healthy hearts can't go through something like that. My family is furious at the hospital. It's like they are just leaving him there to die which is exactly what he's doing.

They have no protective rails on the bed and he fell out of bed in the middle of the night. It's crazy.

I don't know how much more his poor body can handle. And my mom either. .... me too. The stress is killing me.

My niece is still the same. She takes advantage of everyone around her. She now has three boyfriends. She seriously thinks it's totally okay to be that way. She is now involved in that one married man , the father of the baby and one of her old ex boyfriends. It makes me sick.

And I'm all alone. Literally all alone. I can't leave my animals because there is no one here that can take care of them. My parents are a two hour away drive all the way up state. I'm here all by myself.

At night I can't sleep at all because I'm scared to death to get that call in the middle of the night saying my dad died. I'm all alone in this house.

I have no friends here to help me. I would give anything for someone to just wrap their arms around me and hold me so tight.

I was doing so good. I really was. I was proud of myself because I was doing so good. Why in God's name does life have to be like this ???

I just need a break. I need my life to be happy for a little while. Every time I start doing good horrible things come along. I 'm just so tired and I'm afraid and I don't know how much more I can take.

I just feel like giving up again. I can't handle this , this is too much. And this morning I found a lump in my leg. I don't know what it means. I have a lot of other health issues and I literally can't handle anything else.

I just feel like dying. Like just disappearing forever... My God, why can't life just give me a break for a little while ?

I'm losing my faith is God. I'm losing my faith in everything.

I'm sorry I just don't know how much more I can take.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Aug 28, 2018 10:21 am

hey ... I'm sorry that I didn't comment more on your last post beebz. I was really happy to see everything you wrote. Please know that. And I hope that you keep coming on here and writing. I love the way you write. I wish I could comment more. I'm just so numb right now. I haven't hardly had any sleep myself in the last few days.

Last night I sat outside right before the sun went down. The sky was so beautiful full of light. Like an explosion of bright colors all around me and I seen the biggest jet cloud that I have ever seen in my life. It was huge. All my life I've seen small ones but this one was huge. The wind was blowing so softly through the leaves and it was such a beautiful and warm summers evening. It was hard to appreciate though. I know it sounds kinda crazy but it seems almost as if I was watching the beautiful sky around me like a movie screen. So beautiful but not real....

I seen it with my eyes but it somehow couldn't make it to my heart.

I've always described depression as your heart wanting to desperately stay alive but your mind wanting to just die.

Maybe it's just getting to me being so all alone. Night after night I sit there in a dark house all by myself just starring at the shadows all around me and listening to the silence. No friends to call me on the phone, no comforting voices. It's just hard.

My dad is doing pretty much the same. They finally did start a drip IV on him but he's so weak. He can drink a little bit of water and my mother said he's drinking a tiny bit of coffee but every time he tries to eat he gags. It's been 4 days now. No food. They had bed rails on the bed the hospital just didn't put them up. They finally did. My mom is so tired. She is exhausted herself and barely gets any sleep because she's worried about him and she's homesick too. The other day on the phone she was almost crying.

It's bad enough when you have to worry about one parent..... I now have to worry about both.

I know I'm strong I've made it this far but I'm so damn sick of life being ugly. I want life to be beautiful and safe again. I know life can't always be easy. I understand that. But I need a break for awhile. I need a long stretch of time when life just stays beautiful so I can heal again.

The hell with life being " okay" for just a tiny while and then quickly turning sh*tty.

And I've pretty much given up on my niece. I'm totally done with her. She just gets worse and worse. She's had trouble with her car lately so it's in the shop getting worked on and she's borrowed the " third " boyfriends car to drive until hers gets fixed. The other day she called my mom in a panic and wanted to bring the third boyfriends car to our house and park it in the driveway and borrow my parents car so the second boyfriend wouldn't see that she borrowed the thirds.... Confused yet ?? Ugh, well I don't blame you. That would make anyone's head spin. I personally don't want anything to do with her anymore. She's just a user. She uses people. She doesn't treat people like actual "people". She treats everyone like objects to use to her own advantage. She will call you on the phone and lie to you and say she needs a babysitter so she can have time to clean her house and then you find out later she wasn't even cleaning she was seeing the first boyfriend. The married one she had all the abortions with... Do you know she seriously won't even order her own pizza ? Whenever she wants a pizza she calls my mother on the telephone and tells my mom to call in her order in at the pizza shop for her. And a couple of weeks ago she called my mom and told her she forgot to pay her water bill and asked my mother to go pay it for her. Crazy huh ? And the other night she kicked her older son out of the house so she could be with the second boyfriend. Real nice for a mom to do that to her own child huh ?? He has a lot of anger issues and has been in trouble with the law. I truly believe that is one of the reasons why. She's treated him that way all of his life. My parents were furious with her. I just can't deal with that drama anymore. She's in her mid thirty's it's time for her to grow the hell up. I never thought in my life about cutting a family member out of my life but I'm ready to cut her out. She's toxic and I don't need that anymore. AND I don't feel guilty for it. I'm done with her. Forever this time.

I've been looking into online infertility support groups. And in every single one of them they say the same thing. Don't ever try to push someone who suffers from infertility to just " get over " it. And you sure as hell don't march right into someone's house and turn their living room and home into your personal daycare center like my niece did to me. Just about every inch of my house is covered in baby items. Toys, clothes, and even the kitchen cabinets are full of baby ( toddler ) food. It's no damn wonder my heart is broken so much. You can't walk five feet in my house that you don't see something.

I honestly think I could deal with never being able to be a mom if I could just NOT think about it for a little while. But she makes me relive that pain every waking, breathing second of my life.

The worst thing in the world right now is to spend every night all alone in the dark house all by myself just staring at baby toys.

I joined one of those social network sights. facebook so I could use my writing to try and save the life of that historic home. I've been writing all kinds of articles and making videos to raise awareness of the cause. I really want to save the life of this building. It was going really nice for awhile but then I started getting all of these creepy messages from guys who I didn't even know trying to " hook " up with me. It gave me the creeps. facebook is NOT a dating site. And I don't know when or if I will ever be ready for that kind of thing again. Not after that whole fake Bobby thing.

I'm doing okay. I try not to think about what happened. I try to keep myself busy so that I don't dwell on it. And I do a good job. Some nights it does come back and hurt though. Bad. It burns like a fire and still breaks my heart. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about him and have to remind myself that he wasn't even real. That's when it hurts the most. I have to keep telling myself to stop it because he wasn't real.




I don't want to give up. I've come too far to give up. I'm just tired.

And when or if something happens to my parents. I won't have a single soul in the world.

I just don't know how much more pain I can take. I'm scared that I will just lose it someday and give up trying to keep living.

Why live when life keeps taking everything that your living for away from you ??
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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beebz
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby beebz » Tue Aug 28, 2018 2:09 pm

Mercy, I don't know where to start. I just know that I'm all alone right now and have all the time in the world to do nothing or something. I can type nearly as fast as I can talk; therefore, If I make an error or a sentence doesn't' make sense, it is because proofreading is for the insane. faq that sheet. I have a potty mouth and sometimes I think it's the only thing that gets me through anything.

I freak a little how much our lives are the same ie. being the only one taking care of your folks and childrens things being wall to wall in your home, yet no children. I lost my grand daughters, again (they're alive) I'm just not welcome in their lives, again.
Every inch of my home, well let me put it this way, they've lived here recently for a year, so you could imagine how it looks here. I still have their pets that I have to take care of and their room that has 60 feet of tooling flowing wall to wall and hanging over their princess bed via a hoola hoop that I made myself for next to nothing.
I've always wondered about keeping a journal when I met people who do, but I never quite could get into it. This forum and this moment lets me get it all out and know that maybe one or two people are reading and think of me.
I've never ever ever thought of myself in life. It just occurred to me, this late in life, that I've never thought of myself. Thats ok tho. I recognize that is the reason creation put me here. Its in my DNA to give give give be it time, money, tears, blood, sweat, hardship you name it. Those things are the only things my soul seems to feed on ..... however..... when I find a moment to myself, by god I run with it. I usually shed some tears, breathe deep and just sigh at the nothingness, the nothingness of flying a kite, the nothingness of riding in a car going no where, the nothingness of being on the floor with my pets, the nothingness of talking to my bird, we laugh together, my parrot and I. I laugh at my parrot because he laughs at me, then he laughs at me again because I am laughing and I laugh again so hard and loud that I have to take a deep breathe, so he laughs again and mimics my "deep breath" so I laugh again and this goes on and on at least 26 or so times. When we are done, I have laughing tears in my eyes and whatever chemical is released from laughing, I feel "high". I love it. I did it last night. My husband doesn't get it - I am on 40 years of him "not getting it" but "for better or worse".. Again, given the chance to create the perfect human, I can guarantee you'd say, oh sheet, I forgot to add this or that and you'll end up with an imperfect human, just as you are and just as I am. I hope that makes sense.
I just got back from Germany, a work trip, a "take your wife to work week" as we jokingly call it. THAT was my paradise. A whole lot of nothing and everything. No worries other than driving down a one way street and another time ending up driving in a "no driving paradise" of tables and chairs and "pedestrian only zone" - and wanting to go as fast as possible on the no speed limit autobahn. joy joy joy, living on bread, rolls, pastries and gelato (sp), eat the gelato, walk 100 feet and get another gelato. Sightseeing on the Rhine River wondering what those humans were thinking when they built those majestic castles on those cliffs. Man woke up one day and said "I want a castle" with no modern tools, amazing, just amazing.
We were so fortunate, the weather was perfect, and I mean perfect.
Back home now, is gross, more hot and humid than the Amazon ! ewwww to the 10th power !
Funny thing is, all the leaves are on the trees, so you only get to see the leaves. Its like driving roads of walls, you cant see anything but whats in front of you. I think it literally hits you like a wall. I do not prefer cold weather, but driving in mountains and hills without leaves lets you see into so many more dimensions. You can see the lay of the land, and especially when you are in the mountains and you see 5-6-7-8 layers on and on and on I think is so much more for my mind to play.
It, our trip to Germany was perfect none the less. We did have one big blow up and fought like we were fkng 3rd graders dammit, but it passes and we went on with our trip enjoying what seems to be our only thing in common.

I lost my beloved dog. I've lost a dozen dogs but this one is killing me. He wasn't right in his head and we always joked about it. I didn't trust him, he had food aggression, liked to run away like the wind, things like that, but he was perfect for my love and he knew it and he lived a beautiful life with our family and now I can't even say his name. I miss him horribly. I feel the hurt in my breastbone.

Its been months (I think) since I lost him.
When I got back from Germany I rescued a little mutt. I currently have an 85 lb Boxer, usually I have 4 dogs at a time, but was down to one large dog. I rescued this little one. She is breathtakingly pretty, but mercy, beat the ship out of all of us when we brought her home. She bit me and my big dog more times than I can count. I thought, "here we go, life as I know it is over" - I was so disgusted because I'm not in the mood for more negative draining crap in my life, yet I don't give up on dogs or (some humans) and I would not return or give up on her and I just thought life is going to suck now because she is such an ass. Here we are, several days later, and with my expertise, she has improved 95%. Amazing, just amazing. So now I am eyeing another dog I want to rescue in addition to her.

"I've always described depression as your heart wanting to desperately stay alive but your mind wanting to just die."

My take on this is, I'm tired, I'm so fckng tired. You don't want to die, but your head, mind, body, soul and daily life are draining, I am so tired when sht hits the fan. I live with my folks, nearly 90, both of them. Its hard, its damn hard, I'm sure you can imagine without me going into details, and I am the only one, no one at all to help me. I'm tired.

The granddaughters are out of my life because of drugs. Their parents lives are complicated so I end up not seeing them for whatever their current situation is. Its just a hurt that never goes away. There are 3 humans in my life that I love so deeply; my first born son, and his two daughters. They are on the same planet as me yet I don't get to be with the physical being of them.

When I flew over the Atlantic recently, I tracked my journey via video, and saw my plane and nothingness and ocean. I was not part of the planet, I was above all of creation and what goes with it; I thought how insignificant we really are in the grand scheme of things yet this little bloody heart that beats feels so much pain from what we have to go through when our feet on on the earthly soil. When I was in that airplane I was gifted with nothingness. I allowed my head to rest from my life, and enjoy, enjoy peace and nothing.

I know I'm strong I've made it this far but I'm so damn sick of life being ugly. I want life to be beautiful and safe again. I know life can't always be easy. I understand that. But I need a break for awhile. I need a long stretch of time when life just stays beautiful so I can heal again.

Mercy, in my 20's and 30's my life was perfect and I use to verbally say so; not so much now. I think it's all part of the plan, whatever that is. You can't control that your folks get old and you have to take care of them and all the bad (cancer for one, unable to walk for the other) that goes with it. Getting old generally sucks. I have health issues of my own and as soon as I pay thousands for one issue, another one pops up and this doesn't/hasn't stopped for as long as I can remember. At least the last decade. The last decade of my life has been like earthly torture. You cant help what a family member does, or doesn't do, only when they were minors/juveniles did I have *some* say so but not so much now. Even my elderly folks misbehave yet they don't know it crushes me; its exhausting taking care of both parents, alone.
Then when you have grown children and one is succeeding and one isn't. Then somehow, the things I've seen in movies and books are happening to me. This morning I felt like his life disappointments are/were my fault. I could have or should have done things differently. I baby'd him too much, I gave him everything, I didn't let him fail. hurts, hurts so much, awful.

I need a long stretch of time also, where things are normal, what is normal, relaxing I guess. No more sht hitting the fan for a whole fcking month, maybe 6 months, or a whole damn year. But I don't see it coming right now.
I thank creation that I can get on the floor and hug my dogs and laugh at my damn bird.

And I've pretty much given up on my niece. I'm totally done with her.

It took me nearly 20 years, but I let go of my son. I had to. You cannot let her do this to you, its not right, its sick, you are letting it happen, disowning a family member is awful, but she is making you *ill* - you'll get it in your own time. No one could have told me about my son, I had to do it on my own time. I was an awful enabler.

Why live when life keeps taking everything that your living for away from you ??

Well well well, because there are stars in the sky, for your eyes, your soul, your being, your human cells, your breath and your heartbeat.
I try.
I've live in the woods, no curtains, no blinds (that I utilize). I've had to shut them lately because a neighbor a few acres away is a fcking nut case. Last night I was pisst, I opened both blinds and practically the whole wall is glass/windows, and I just stared at Mars. Mars has been so big and so orange lately.
I lay in bed and look at the nothingness and think good thoughts, or at least try to. I guess I was also thinking about my new , I mean "used" dog that I rescued and how she was on the bed with me and how I wished she got a little closer and cuddled with me but its just not her time yet, but she will.
My biggest hurdle today is mowing grass. It is nearly 90 and 80% humidity and so ewwwww out there. Tomorrow is rain, I think the next day is rain, so my only thoughts have been, "what time of the day today will I ride around on the 5 acres of green blades" lol......
What would happen if I didn't mow the grass? It'd grow? The neighbors would gossip? We'd have to mow it twice because the mower would bog down if I let it go? Who gives a flying fck - is the grass really that important? really? I use to think it is, but its not. My head of pure nothingness and relaxation, a break from all the ugly is more important.... like not mowing the grass if I don't feel like it - but today, I will. I will because I will sweat out toxins, maybe catch a little tan, ride around making line after line of *perfectness* - letting my head just rest. I really do like mowing - I just don't like people telling me *when to do it* - in this case, its my own thoughts and and the coming weather dictating when to do it or not. Does that make sense? lol

I wish I could say something or do something to make it all better for you, or say, *this too shall pass* (which is bullsheet) lol
But this is it, this is really it. If you didn't have things going on, good or bad, what would you do? who would you be? what is it that you are looking for? perfection? Did we ever really have that perfection we thought we had?
This little planet, and game of life ;which if you are high up above the planet and look at it that way, is comical.
Its just people so tiny, running in circular directions every single day of their life doing the same thing day in day out day in day out, like little rats *the rat race* as they say. It has to be, it is what it is. This is it.
Now.... find any little thing you can to make that *booboo* feel better. I have had enough boo boos in my life for a dozen people and then some. More sick and twisted things have happened to me and still are; but thankfully, somehow, somewhere I find my *me* ; which again, are my pups, drinking warm Coke, having a sip of wine and feeling giggly, mowing, flying a kite, having a picnic, going to the park, riding around in your car like your 17 again, going no where. Looking at nothing and everything. Watching my hummingbird and spying on her babies when she's not looking - you *get it * Sky - you get it.
Strength is inside of you, its your OWN heart and soul that is here for a reason even if only to praise your folks in their ending years. Its tiresome, it hurts sometimes, but I hope you go on. I hope you go on. Go find your nothingness and just breathe deep.
I wish you could find a partner, man, woman, child, anyone human - have you ever thought of being a mentor?
I have - share your heart and soul with a child who is a stranger to you but has a horrible life and you have gifts to give in the sense of your heart, soul, love of nature, animals, giving, sharing, loving the simple pleasures in life. Not many people know what they are, but you do - and possibly you can share that with a lost child. The creator knows there are so many lost souls right now- and maybe you can find one in a child that is suffering from parents who simply suck as parents, or are on drugs. Theres a whole lot of kids out there who deserve better.

Time for me to fly -
I've typed as fast as I can talk it seems.
I haven't re-read what I wrote and I think there is probably more in me right now, but I'm going to take a break and look out the window. lol
This hot humid sh*t blows but I guess a tornado taking it all away from me could be worse huh? Lord knows what the hell I'd do in that situation. I'm not in the mood for that sh*t so I'll take this hot humid gross weather and deal with it and simply know that today, this moment in time, is all I have. I think I'll open the fridge and eat some cheese and crackers for now. That sounds good for this moment in time..................................
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing... because its easier than letting on how little they really care.
But when you know you have a real friend somewhere, somehow all the others are so much easier to bear.
JacksonBrowne-Late For The Sky

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Sep 06, 2018 5:37 am

Thank you beebz for everything you've said. You've been very kind and supportive. And I also want to thank everyone else who has responded to my posts over the years.

I'm sorry that I can't write more. I just got some really bad news. My father doesn't have much longer to live at all. All of his organs are failing. He is so bad that sometimes he doesn't even know where he is and when he talks his words don't make any sense at all.

I just can't deal with this right now. I don't know how I'm ever going to be okay again.

This is the end of pretty much everything for me. I can't take anymore of life being cruel. I'm exhausted. My heart hurts. I'm just done.

I can't even think right now it hurts so much.

I want to say " starlight forever " like I have always signed off.... but I can't even do that anymore.

For anyone who reads my posts I hope someday you beat depression. I hope to God ( if there even is one ) that you find the happiness and strength to hold on. I hope you are luckier than me.

As for me this is pretty much goodbye to everything.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Ruckdaddy
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Ruckdaddy » Thu Sep 06, 2018 5:32 pm

I am very sorry to hear about your father. I couldnt imagine what you are going through. You need to think about his legacy and what would be left behind if you both left. If you could somehow in your heart find the feeling to stay strong then muster it. Depression sucks and i hope you can overcome this. Pray to god and believe in him he will come through for you i promise. Love yourself and what you have left

Rainstorm
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Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 10:54 pm

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Rainstorm » Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:24 pm

I'm gonna be completely honest with you. I read this and thought for sure someone had read my mind and written exactly what I was thinking. From living in the middle of nowhere (not in Virginia, though), to needing someone to talk to, to not finding that help with "friends" online. I 100% agree. I know that doesn't fix your problem, but I hope it gives you the smallest consolation. I won't say I'm in the exact same boat, because everyone's situations are different, but I will say it's the same kind.

I want you to get better. I don't know you, I can't see you, but I know you deserve it. Happiness belongs to everyone. Including you. A teacher had us do an exercise and it was this: every night, before you go to bed, write 3 things you like about yourself (they don't have to be big things). The next morning, read them. Each night, write 3 more things and continue this for 1 month. I have not done this fully yet. I need to start again. Why don't we do it together? I procrastinate and could use the accountibility. I would love to have someone try this with me, not just for me, but for us both. Sometimes the best way to get something done involves others.

I heard a quote the other day:
"Experience is a brutal teacher. But you learn, my God do you learn." ~ C. S. Lewis

That quote really stuck with me. It is one of the most simple, yet outstandingly true statements I've ever heard. I hope it speaks to you as much as it does to me.

Thank you for speaking about struggles you've had. It helped me to realize, that while I may be suffering I am not the only one. I'm so proud that you spoke out, even anonymously, because that brings you one step closer to healing. It won't be easy and it won't be fun, but a hero is not someone who fights until they fall, but someone who gets up after they fall.

I look forward to hearing from you and getting to know you!

- C

P. S. Sorry this is so long, I struggle with keeping things short and putting my thoughts into better words... I understand if you get tired or bored of reading this halfway through (or less).

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sat Sep 08, 2018 1:24 am

my dad passed away tonight
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Rainstorm
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Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 10:54 pm

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Rainstorm » Sat Sep 08, 2018 10:35 am

I am so sorry, that must be so difficult for you! I can't imagine what you're going through. No matter what though, he'll always be watching over you, just not as noticeably. It's still unfortunate that you're going through that. If you need someone to talk to, I'll be here. I know it's not the same, since I can't be there physically, but I would love to show my support in any way I can. I'm sorry, I know it isn't easy, but I know you'll get through this rough time, you're strong and I believe in you!

Sincerely,
C

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beebz
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby beebz » Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:31 am

Star - I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing I can say. There is nothing I can do.
But, I want you to know, under this vast sky of hopes, dreams and mystery, that I am thinking of you.
You've got to stick around Sky - no giving up. You are chosen now, to carry Daddys torch.
He would not want you to give up - he wants you to keep paving your way on this planet.
You have a worth that you just can't see yet.
Cyber hugs, my thoughts, my energy, my strength, tears, smiles and everything I can feel goes out to you Star.
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing... because its easier than letting on how little they really care.
But when you know you have a real friend somewhere, somehow all the others are so much easier to bear.
JacksonBrowne-Late For The Sky

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beebz
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby beebz » Thu Sep 13, 2018 3:57 pm

Sometimes there are places that touch you direct to the heart and soul, and when you are there, you feel the deep beauty of just one moment. . .

I wish I could advise people that you must live one moment at a time, because that is all you have truly.

If you have a billion dollars you could not buy back your last second, your last thought, your last breath.
If you had a billion dollars plus another billion dollars, you could not buy the next moment in time, you are not guaranteed the next moment at all. Life is that complex and that instantaneous.

My advice is - live one moment at a time because factually, scientifically, and realistically that is all you have.
Just make it through this one moment.
Just smile for a moment
giggle for a moment
love for a moment
I have everything at this moment yet I have nothing.
blink
blink
blink
a blink - I have a blink

I may or may not finish this sentence, I may or may not even start it.
All depends on the moment - if I am alive this moment in time.
one never knows - and never will -
The creator never gave us those benefits of our lives, of our breaths, of our existence. We have nothing.

It may sound silly, but I have a piece of advise, another piece.
Get a pet.
My greatest joy in my sad struggle of daily life, are my pets. I love on my dogs, I love on my dogs and they love me back so so so so much.
I also have a parrot who makes me laugh so so much.

I am horribly sad currently. I am numb. My heart hurts badly and my hands are shaking. Sometimes when the phone rings my hands and body shake worse than they already are.
I just found out, that my *adult* son is homeless again.
drugs -
I know if it were me, I'd probably give up. I'm weak like that. Of course I don't know and I hope I never will.
Yesterday the phone rang; I recognized the number and almost fainted. It was the local hospital. I thought my son was there - turns out it was a questionnaire for my next back procedure.
I haven't been able to function for a few days - I cry, shake, sit still like a mannequin and just constantly grieve and think.
My son is going to die - this heroin stuff is awful.

Thank you to all and anyone who listens/reads what I type. I am so numb and sad right now.

and Sky

I am thinking of you every moment. . . . .
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing... because its easier than letting on how little they really care.
But when you know you have a real friend somewhere, somehow all the others are so much easier to bear.
JacksonBrowne-Late For The Sky

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beebz
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby beebz » Thu Sep 13, 2018 5:34 pm

I just realized I kinda hijacked Sky's thread.
Sky, I am sorry, I am sorry.
Sky, I am thinking of you, I am thinking of you, thats why I am writing on your thread.
You, Sky, have been my "go to" -
My soul hurts for you Sky .
again
I apologize . .. . . . . .
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing... because its easier than letting on how little they really care.
But when you know you have a real friend somewhere, somehow all the others are so much easier to bear.
JacksonBrowne-Late For The Sky

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beebz
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby beebz » Sat Sep 15, 2018 9:57 am

Mercy me, I must say again, my "get a pet" post was not directed at Sky - it was for anyone who is depressed - a general statement.

Sky,, thinking of you this morning and sending you all that I have in thoughts prayers strength hope breath.........
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing... because its easier than letting on how little they really care.
But when you know you have a real friend somewhere, somehow all the others are so much easier to bear.
JacksonBrowne-Late For The Sky

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Sep 17, 2018 11:46 pm

Beebz my thoughts are with you tonight for your son. I wish there was something that I could do. With my entire heart in my chest I do wish that. I am so sorry you have to go through something so painful and scary. And you didn't hijack any post. Please don't worry about that.

I don't really know why I'm here tonight. I'm at the point where I'm just totally numb inside and I don't feel much of anything anymore. My face hurts from forcing myself to smile and if I have to force myself to smile one more time I think I may throw up.

I've seen several sunsets and starry skies since I've last written and they mean absolutely nothing to me. I know in previous times somehow, someway I could muster up some kind of positivity deep down inside me but it's just not there anymore. I truly feel nothing inside. Nothing.

Before my father died the hospital pretty much said there was nothing more they could do. He was released back home here and put on hospice. He survived on hospice for only a couple of days. His kidneys, his liver, his heart and lungs were showing signs of shutting down.

When he died he died here at home right in front of my eyes. I had to sit there and literally watch him take his last breath. With his bad heart I've always had nightmares about him grabbing his chest and falling to the ground and closing his eyes and going quickly .... but it wasn't like that. For the last two hours of his life he laid there gasping for air. The hospice nurse kept giving him morphine to ease his discomfort. But he would still gasp for air and have trouble breathing. Right before he passed you could see his eyes roll back before he went silent for the last time.

I never in my life thought it would ever end like that. And I never in my life thought it would be right in front of my eyes like that. It's all I see in my mind over and over again. You hear about people dying peacefully in their sleep.... but it didn't happen for him. And then came that long horrible wait for the funeral home people to come and take him away forever. He died at night too and I think I will see that darkness forever.

I just don't have it in me to find the light inside of me anymore. I'm tired. Whatever light that was inside me that helped keep me going I feel like I'm losing that too.

I was strong when I faced physical health issues of my own...

I was strong when I had to face never being a mom and my niece never ever letting me forget that pain, not for one single day of my life...

I was strong when those two women pretended to be Bobby and made me believe he cared about me...made me believe at one time he loved me.

I was strong when I didn't have a friend in the whole world and I only had myself...

But this on top of everything else is just too much.

I'm just too tired to find that light that helped keep me holding on to life. I've lost the ability to even want to try to find it again.

I guess even the brightest stars in the night time sky have to fall sometimes
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Rainstorm
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Rainstorm » Wed Sep 19, 2018 12:23 am

I can't say I know how you feel fully, but I'll try my best to help. My grandmother passed away in January. Nothing's the same. I visited her all the time; she told me stories of her childhood, of happiness and hardship alike. My mom would tell me about the siblings she lost, young and old. I had to watch her go. I had seen her sister die in the same hospital a year earlier. I had psychosis at the time and it left me in a place worse than I'd ever been before. But, somehow, I kept going. I felt nothing anymore. I was numb, empty; nothing mattered and it felt like nothing ever would.

I still feel that, when I think about those events and when I face terrible hardships myself. I'm not happy, but what keeps me alive now is knowing they'd want me to move forward. I'll always remember them and their suffering, but I take my steps, one at a time, with the hope that one day, I'll be able to see it in a different light. Time changes everything, but only if you let it. I'm still not happy and I cry when I remember their suffering; but, when I think about them, something that helps me (and hopefully can help you) is to find something good about their situations, even something small. Like, my mom has had problems with some of her siblings for many years. Because of her mother's death, she was able to fix some (not all) of the problems she had with her sister.

There's more than one perspective in every situation. It may not be all good (as things seldom are) but there's always at least one small twist to every event: good and bad alike. I can't say it'll be easy, and I can't say it'll be quick, but I do hope you're able to find something worth holding onto, even if it's not for yourself.

You mentioned you have cats (Jon was one, right)? What would happen to them if something happened to you? If you can't continue for yourself, then continue for someone else. There are people in everyone's life who are terrible, but there are few who would actually be happy you're gone (frankly, those people who want that, have problems of their own that they need to get resolved).

I know it can't be easy, but most things aren't. Afterall, if it's always sunny and there's never any rain, nothing would be as meaningful. Afterall, you can't understand happiness, if you've never had any suffering, because it's all you've known. I pray for you each night and I think of you each morning. I hope you can continue to face each day bravely, with confidence and strength.

I believe in you and I pray, one day, you can truly smile, knowing where you've come from and loving where you ended up.

- C


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