Today's feelings

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Today's feelings

Postby Qualtector » Fri Jul 18, 2014 6:28 am

We use words to express ourselves,
But I'm not a human like you,
Your words still wound but,
It's that look, it tells me so much,
Your lips say "I'm here to help"
Your face disagrees, there's disbelief there.
The pity strikes deep as I prove myself,
Yes, look at my past, see how it's marked me,
But do not pity me, I don't need that.

Who gave you the right to feel disgust?
Only I get to feel that about this mangled flesh I live in,
It's mine to hate,
Mine to desire escape from.
The way you're looking at me now makes me unsafe,
Each second ticking past is torture,
More harsh a torture than had been planned.
I want out and cannot say it with my words,
But my body is screaming it at you
"Get out! Get Away! I do not want you here!"

As soon as you're gone, our time up, I'm fighting.
This battle is older than my time caring to win,
A nearly constant struggle with the demons in my head.
They give me ideas,
Thanks to them nothing around me is safe.
I know ways to end all the pain and thought,
Too many to count,
But here I sit, using my words, trying to explain it;
This utter hatred of myself,
Of the world,
Of my past and where everything that hurts,
Everything that de-humanises me,
Everything that made me the internal animal I am,
Everything which put these demons here,
In my head.
My broken head, with it's broken feelings and dark thoughts.

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Postby Latteohdi » Thu Dec 11, 2014 5:52 am

If I read this a long time. I know that I will have to follow.

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Postby 100footpole » Thu Dec 11, 2014 11:27 am

When I read the poem, I see statements where the author has given up control. This is evident in line two:

But I'm not a human like you,

Boundaries are fluid, until you tell yourself you can't swim.

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Postby Neil08 » Tue Mar 10, 2015 4:06 am

Great poem. :D

I feel it.

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Postby 100footpole » Tue Mar 10, 2015 3:44 pm

I think that was Latteohdi's point.

I would like to see a follow up poem for recovery ... or at least trying.

My biggest motivation is not giving up. Even when I do give up, I remember that its not the first time I've given up. I also remember when I was young how lonely I was because I hadn't felt this way before. I have art and writing from the 70s that I remember, but can't feel because so much happened afterward ...

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Re: Today's feelings

Postby Qualtector » Sun Aug 27, 2017 12:41 am

there seems to be a desire of some sort for a follow up/update to this post, so here's at least something.

I look into those eyes, the ones which held such disbelief,
In them I see your worry, your desire, the hope,
They see so much but are blind,
Blind to the caged animal within me.

The beast coils, schemes, plots, connives,
It does not want happiness, not in this existence.
So long as I can pretend, you are safe,
Safe from the pain, the memories, the wants and desires of this tempest.

I am nothing but the bump of a wake against your gently repaired hull,
An illusion of who you want me to be,
But I cannot bear to cause the harm that would keep you safe from the danger that lurks,
Deep in my internal darkness I am worse than the pain you have felt.

What some would consider play is just what I can no longer hold back,
I know one day I will be the one to hurt you,
Yet without you I cannot breathe....

I am lost in a sea of my own internal tears as I stay strong, and beg myself not to hurt you.
I already died before we met... I am the ghost of what could have been, and it loves you....

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Re: Today's feelings

Postby AnneW » Sat Feb 03, 2018 12:12 pm

I'm a newbie. My first day. Reading this moved me deeply. I can relate. Sending you hugs and Love. ❤️

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