Men/People, Moving Forward, & My Mother

For example: agoraphobia, claustrophobia, social phobia.

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Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Tue Jul 06, 2010 2:59 pm

Sweetie, if you learn nothing else from all of this.... learn this..... NO! No, you are not worthless. No, you do not deserve this. No, not all men are like this. No, no no no no no. You have the right to say NO to anyone at anytime. You set the boundaries. You enforce the rules. You have it inside of you. I have seen it. Use it. Stand up and say NO. Even if it's just a whisper at first. That whisper will become a voice.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Tue Jul 06, 2010 11:12 pm

(((((((((((((( crystalgaze ))))))))))))))))))

Never feel bad for doing what you know is right and safe for you!!

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”
--- Dr. Rollo May
Sunshine, smiles and love.

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Tue Oct 05, 2010 6:41 pm

There is a slight problem I have been having....

Lately now, I am having an aversion to being intimate. I don't know where it came from, but I feel 'wrong' if/when it happens. It has been serving as a trigger. I feel yucky afterward.... in a word, 'dirty'.... I can't stand how I smell afterwards (having been near the guy). I smell like him; it's not that he is funky, but I smell like him & I just feel like yuck.

It hasn't happened often.... However, when it does, I feel depressed, emotional, etc. It doesn't matter what happens, if person is even nice to me. It's especially worse, if person is 'nice' to me. I can't appreciate it; I've even come straight out & asked, "Why are you being 'nice' to me?" (& I usually ask that because shortly after the niceness comes a question about something, which does not need to be known or I consider not to be any of his business. I don't ask questions I myself don't want to answer. Sometimes, I don't ask because I don't want to know. All of it just comes off strange--like ultimately, he is planning something for me. That's my feeling about it.)

(As far as I see it, where I live, people are only nice for a reason--not nice because they're nice human beings.)

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crystalgaze
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Trying to Make Strides

Postby crystalgaze » Fri Oct 08, 2010 11:48 am

Trigger Alert



I felt a lil bad today.... Apparently, I was really triggered by the pushy guy outside of K-mart yesterday (Oh Man! What A Day! post). I really tried my best to take things in a very cool, calm way, but I still fell apart in a few places--especially after sleeping & waking up the next morning.

There is no doubt in my mind that I'll be okay.... Today is just a bit rough. I think that the problem of near rape & rape is finally starting to affect me. Months after the last issue, only now could I be JUST SLIGHTLY emotional about it.

There is also a second trigger, besides the guy outside of K-mart, which I just am not able to talk about it yet. I will try to fix it first & see what comes of it. Maybe then, I'll feel like I'll be able to say something.

I did tell my Dad about it because I was that triggered or else I probably would have said nothing. It's extremely hard to talk about to anyone really.

My heart medicine needs to be taken today, but I really don't feel like it. I am hyper.... Breathing is a lil difficult but I know that's due to the trigger.

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:28 am

Well.... I finally told my acquaintance about what happened. I don't know what he thought or whether he believed me. He was just quiet..... He seemed receptive to some things I said.... We'll see how it goes....

I still feel ashamed about it.... but meh.... I can't let that stop me from life.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 2:59 pm

((((((((((((( Crystal ))))))))))))))

Good for you!

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:02 pm

I felt freed, once I told it.... I even feel a little better.... I have even been able to function again.... :shock: Truly, it was miraculous...
~Crystal

I'm not exactly digging myself out of the hole but creating a tunnel to get out another way. Throwing dirt from one end of the pit to the other isn't going to get me anywhere. Instead, I'll create my own path.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:06 pm

(((((((((((((( Crystal )))))))))))))))

I am pleased for you. Feels good doesn't it! :)

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Thu Oct 28, 2010 12:34 am

~LOL~ It sure does!

My Dad & I were having a talk about safety, some time after I talked about the R & near R situations. Okay....

It was one of those things where I didn't know whether I should speak my mind or what....

Anyway, my Dad was telling me about bringing them by for him or even for the both of them so the people who want to roll with me could be seen (e.g. friends, acquaintances, boyfriends, whatever) & I just said, "But you all are prejudiced & have your biases.... I don't know whether I should bring them home because it's not everybody you bring home anyway."

My parents can be hard.... Oh man! However, I think I understand where it comes from, which is from them wanting the absolute best for me.

It's my life, though, & I know the reality I live better than they do. I keep telling them that if I am too choosy & picky, especially here where I live, I will end up by myself. It's not all the time that I want to be by myself. That is not to say that I am throwing my standards out the window because I'm not entirely. What I've tried to do is not sweat the small stuff & really look at the person for who he/she is. Aside from not being in trouble in the law/doing things to get in trouble with the law, doing things that endanger me & that, the rest doesn't really matter.

How I see it is that in the meantime, I should improvise & take out of a situation what I can & the good things that I can & to not be too uptight or too hung up on anyone.

I'm young, & I should enjoy/try to enjoy my life to a degree while I can, especially in my case. Usually, I am home. I'm not out on the street being common or whatever, & I haven't ****** down the place. I stay out of trouble. I think I'm doing good. Also, youth ain't gonna last forever. I'm already sorry I passed 18 & 21! :lol:

With my 1 acquaintance, I already know my Dad does not like him or has negative feelings toward him. My Mom doesn't like him either. Personally, I feel that both my parents would probably have a heart attack, if they only knew. They'd probably watch me & wonder if I needed my head examined, as well. I am pretty sure of it. Whatever, though.

I have been through enough dialogue with my Dad, where he gave his honest opinion about the person. When he spoke, he didn't know who my acquaintance was. I am glad he was forthright, though. With my Mom, she just gave him a look, when this whole thing started. I think she suspected something, but she doesn't know. The thing was.... when she gave him the look, she was laid up in a hospital bed & was in tremendous pain. He would check in on her, which helped ease my mind a great deal.

What I have done is to keep the dialogue going with my Dad because I'm pretty sure the day will come where he finally finds out who my acquaintance is. I'm not very worried about it. If my parents are upset, they're upset. I've always told them to go out & find me a man/keep an eye out for one. They didn't bring any that they thought was on the level or good enough for me, & one who was likable was bold enough to approach me. There you have it.

Maybe my acquaintance is actually my friend. Or maybe I actually love him. I really am not sure at this point, but it may become clear later. I know we get along well, & when I think about him & how he is, I can't help but smile + laugh. He's a sweetheart, but it takes a fine eye to see it, as well as taking time for understanding. (I will admit.... At 1st & for a long while, I really did not get him at all. It did click for me at some point, though. One thing that stands out in my mind is that he loves children & is kind to them. You know.... He loves people in general.)

This is too long.... :lol: Oh goodness....
~Crystal



I'm not exactly digging myself out of the hole but creating a tunnel to get out another way. Throwing dirt from one end of the pit to the other isn't going to get me anywhere. Instead, I'll create my own path.

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Tue Oct 11, 2011 8:02 pm

It's been a year since my last post & since that time, I can say that my relationship with my Mom has improved. I am grateful that I could move past it, even if only a little.


Thank goodness for that....


As for men and, well..... I'm still working on them, but I think I've come a long ways. Here's to a betterment of self!
~Crystal



I'm not exactly digging myself out of the hole but creating a tunnel to get out another way. Throwing dirt from one end of the pit to the other isn't going to get me anywhere. Instead, I'll create my own path.


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