Practical advice needed ^.^

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Eske
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon May 07, 2018 3:31 pm

Practical advice needed ^.^

Postby Eske » Mon May 07, 2018 4:04 pm

Hello. My name's Eske. It's not my name in real life, just the account name, but I like it and I'll use it as a second name. I'm a university student in my 20s. I don't know if I'm depressed or just have a shitty life, but I can't afford a therapist, so friends and forums (and an eventual safe line) are the only help left.
I need a plan to persuade my father to pay a therapist; I found a really cheap one that technically we can afford. He listens to the reasons why I'm supposed to need therapy, but says it's too much money. It's not much money, it's like one or two coffees per day. And he buys wine and cigarettes...
I don't have my own salary yet. I have no time left for work, except on summers. Last summer I worked, but spent the money in food, hygiene products and the like; I basically helped my father in supporting me economically. Now I don't have money left that are really mine; last week I tried to put aside the equivalent of 4 or 5 dollars, but at the same time the university canteen was closed for holiday (it's "free" food for me, because I pay it with the scholarship. It's pre-paid. I don't know how to explain it), the fridge was almost empty and, anyway, when my father decided to buy food (or found enough money to buy food) he didn't buy what I told I needed (more vegetables, fruits) and I felt sick for the rest of the week. So I'm not able to put aside money, nope.
I came at the point of planning to threat my father with suicide. I don't really wanna suicide, at least not yet, but I don't know what else can work. I'm not able to make a scene, cry, scream, throw glasses. I look functional, at most lazy or "blank". That's probably why he pretends I asked him nothing, for months. Almost one year.
Halp. :/

nightingale77
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:48 am

Re: Practical advice needed ^.^

Postby nightingale77 » Wed May 09, 2018 4:09 am

Hi Eske, thank you for coming forward to share your story. It takes courage. I do see your point of view and I’m Glad you are trying your very best to seek treatment and help before it gets worse. It’s logical and most sensible thing to do.And I get a feeling you are a mature and sensible person. Does your school provide counselling service?? I know some schools do and it’s fantastic. It’s free for students most of the time and if they feel that you need more than that, they might be able to refer you to see a therapist or psychiatrist at a subsidised rate. Try asking your student welfare department. Don’t be afraid to ask. You never know how this might lead you to a journey of sooner recovery. Keep us posted of your well being. Praying for you. God bless!

Eske
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon May 07, 2018 3:31 pm

Re: Practical advice needed ^.^

Postby Eske » Wed May 09, 2018 5:11 pm

nightingale77 wrote:Hi Eske, thank you for coming forward to share your story. It takes courage. I do see your point of view and I’m Glad you are trying your very best to seek treatment and help before it gets worse. It’s logical and most sensible thing to do.And I get a feeling you are a mature and sensible person. Does your school provide counselling service?? I know some schools do and it’s fantastic. It’s free for students most of the time and if they feel that you need more than that, they might be able to refer you to see a therapist or psychiatrist at a subsidised rate. Try asking your student welfare department. Don’t be afraid to ask. You never know how this might lead you to a journey of sooner recovery. Keep us posted of your well being. Praying for you. God bless!


Well, thanks for the blessings :)
I already used the four sessions of free therapy that my university offers. I didn't make on time to talk about much, except my mother's violence on me in childhood and the current stress about money; the therapist took away the doubt that I'm making up the abuse (my mother is a Professional Gaslighter xD) but there wasn't time to work on the consequences or other issues.
For lack of funds, the same student can't repeat twice the free sessions service. And I'm too old for the "Teenager's Space" (I can't translate it xD) that offers free long term therapy.

nightingale77
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:48 am

Re: Practical advice needed ^.^

Postby nightingale77 » Thu May 10, 2018 8:41 am

Hi there, thanks for replying and helped me understand more. How about church? I know church do offer counselling services, even for non-member. They generally reach out to the people whom are in need if they can help and sometimes they do give free counselling. You might wanna consider checking the church near you. Otherwise, do ask your school to refer you to family service centre that provide pro bono counselling service. I’m pretty sure three have contacts. Hopefully, these ideas can help to narrow down some avenues you can seek help. Please know that you are worthy and valued. Don’t give up hope in seeking help just because help may seem so limited. Keep well and I’ll be praying for you. God bless!

Eske
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon May 07, 2018 3:31 pm

Re: Practical advice needed ^.^

Postby Eske » Thu May 10, 2018 12:03 pm

nightingale77 wrote:Hi there, thanks for replying and helped me understand more. How about church? I know church do offer counselling services, even for non-member. They generally reach out to the people whom are in need if they can help and sometimes they do give free counselling. You might wanna consider checking the church near you. Otherwise, do ask your school to refer you to family service centre that provide pro bono counselling service. I’m pretty sure three have contacts. Hopefully, these ideas can help to narrow down some avenues you can seek help. Please know that you are worthy and valued. Don’t give up hope in seeking help just because help may seem so limited. Keep well and I’ll be praying for you. God bless!


Some people have advised me to use the free consuelling service of a church, others advised to avoid that because it's not completely guaranteed that the consuellor of a church will be professional about the fact tham I'm transgender (as if I didn't have enough issues hahahah) and not hetero. They might be one of those who try to persuade that transness or gayness is wrong, is the root of unhappiness and can be "cured".
Family centre = the thing I tried to translate with "Teenager's Centre".
I'm sorry, it seems that I'm making up excuses... :/

nightingale77
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:48 am

Re: Practical advice needed ^.^

Postby nightingale77 » Fri May 11, 2018 9:37 am

Hey.... don’t worry about it. I’m only Glad that you are downloaded and process issues slowly. I’m sure you are not making excuses. You have your fear and anxiety which I can understand. I’m sorry that you had the idea that you might be discriminated if you go to church for counselling. Honestly, I’m not sure if most of the people who do counselling in church are certified therapist or counsellor or not. But I do know and I hope that’s the same for your local church and that is as Christian, it’s not our job to judge. We are called to love and accept whoever you are, transgender or not. I’m sorry that you are hurting so much because of your gender preference. It must have been a really difficult journey for you. But whatever it is, I hope you know that God loves you. In his eyes, you are precious and no different from anyone whom He called His child. If you prefer to take this discussion privately, please PM me. I’ll respond to your message whenever I can or available. Prayed for you. God bless!

Janine28
Posts: 48
Joined: Wed Apr 18, 2018 7:55 pm

Re: Practical advice needed ^.^

Postby Janine28 » Fri May 11, 2018 10:28 pm

I was unemployed and I applied for AmeriHealth Caritas and I have FREE health care through the state. I couldn't work due to my SEVERE depression. I qualified for the healthcare and was able to get my Psychiatrist visits and medication for free. Can you apply for AmeriHealth Caritas?

Eske
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon May 07, 2018 3:31 pm

Re: Practical advice needed ^.^

Postby Eske » Sat May 12, 2018 10:42 am

Janine28 wrote:I was unemployed and I applied for AmeriHealth Caritas and I have FREE health care through the state. I couldn't work due to my SEVERE depression. I qualified for the healthcare and was able to get my Psychiatrist visits and medication for free. Can you apply for AmeriHealth Caritas?


I'm glad you found a way. I live in Europe :/
I know there's a cheap (but not free) therapy for people with low income (I don't know if mine is low enough though) offered by public healthcare; I told my father. But he pretends I'm asking him nothing, and I have zero financial autonomy. Right now I'm avoiding him because his presence makes me feel sick. Fortunately, we works almost the whole day and my classes are far away (hours of train).
Maybe I think I need therapy because it would be the only circumstance in which I'd be free to be human, flawed, listened; I wish my life were priceless, instead it's valued as much as the money I'm able to spend in order to save it, as much as the money I earn by studying (the scholarship) and as much as the money I'm able not to spend in order to be a cheap son. There's no way my parents can help me; they're ruined by years of financial stress and by a childhood in which both had violent and alcoholic parents. They allowed me the luxury to study as long as I want - because the scholarship helps - but I had promised them to [try to] support myself with a part time job and leave home asap. Three years passed, I didn't succeed, they consider it a failure and probably a betrayal, so I think in their eyes I don't deserve help. My behavior will never be good enough for them. They wanted me to be smart and study in order to become richer than them, but I'm not succeeding so they're turning their back. They're tired. I'm tired. There's a subtle fight for survival, for resources, inside the very same home, between relatives. Survival of the fittest, and the sickest dies. It's no good time to have any illness or weakness, physical or mental. My parents say: "the outside world is cruel, if you were at work right now for this mistake you would have been fired" but actually outside I've been treated better than home.

Janine28
Posts: 48
Joined: Wed Apr 18, 2018 7:55 pm

Re: Practical advice needed ^.^

Postby Janine28 » Sat May 12, 2018 11:45 am

Isn't it sad how we live to please others? I was just like you growing up. My parents had alcoholic parents...my parents are all about "making money" and I was just the kid who supposedly "didn't care". I wasn't able to work a lot because I was so depressed all the time so I was stuck under their roof also. I had to tuff it out for many years until I could get a good job and live on my own....but even with a good job, I moved in and out of m parents house like 20 times because I either ended up not being able to afford my apartment or I was living with someone and the relationship ended and I had nowhere to go. It wasn't until I was about 33 when I was able to buy a house....but guess what.....I lost my job when I turned 39 and lost my house so guess where I ended up AGAIN....yup....my PARENTS! I learned that I cannot move forward with my life unless I got my depression under control. I'm 42 now and I JUST finally was able to get the REAL help I needed to get better. Unfortunately...my depression was so severe that a lot of medications didn't work for me. It wasn't until someone told me about Ketamine Infusions. They pretty much cured my depression, I'm off of almost all my medication, I have a job....I don't make a lot but I don't care because I've never been this happy. I also finally realized that it truly doesn't matter what they or anyone else feels or thinks about me. I don't need a lot of money to be happy I TRULY DON"T. I went from making almost 60,000 a year to making 17,000 a year and you know what......I wouldn't want my life any other way right now! I don't want you to be like me and wake up and your 42 years old still being depressed. I'm promise you...money does not bring happiness... Do whatever it you have to to get the help you need....NEVER take no for an answer. There HAS to be a way to get help. There has to be someone that can help you find help.

Eske
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon May 07, 2018 3:31 pm

Re: Practical advice needed ^.^

Postby Eske » Sat May 12, 2018 3:02 pm

It became hard to motivate myself to go on with life, to study or clean the house, because what's the point of "doing everything right" if I won't have the reward of receiving help when I need it? My father doesn't deserve my success, my mother doesn't deserve my patience, my family doesn't deserve my sobriety. The frustration of being left alone is overcoming the fact that I should study and preserve health for myself only; it's just a matter of time before I f**k up all my life. And what happens if I throw this life in the garbage? I'll be left even more alone, kicked out of the house: the law prevents my father from kicking me out, exactly because I'm studying or helping financially. But I'm barely surviving. I have to fight for money to buy food in the proportions I need. I've been delaying physical healthcare for years. Thank heaven I'm not severely ill, because what's gonna happen if I become so?

graceforeverandever
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Apr 22, 2018 8:51 pm

Re: Practical advice needed

Postby graceforeverandever » Sun May 20, 2018 11:01 am

Dear Eske, I am so sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation. These forums are great for sharing burdens, venting, and asking for advice. In despite of this situation let me tell that you are important and valuable person and you are a person worth of dignity and respect. You may be have a hard time believing this, but that doesn’t disqualify you from being love and valued for exactly who you are. Maybe you can take out good of this situation that you have to deal with. You can still do things to overcome this situation that you are living now. We can think sometimes that we can’t find solution to our problems but have you considered to take less courses and seek a part time job if you are able to become more self-sufficient? In regards your father sometimes people resort to drinking, smoking or gambling or some other form of escapising. Have you thought encourage your dad of joining to a support group of Alcoholic Anonymous? I will provide you the link here: https://www.aa.org/. This list-ly is extremely important for you are going through: https://list.ly/list/1CE4-looking-up-fr ... n-darkness. Please let me tell you my friend that you are not alone in this battle. If you need to talk with someone I’ll leave this Hotline #s: 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers my friend.-keep us posted, OK?

Eske
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon May 07, 2018 3:31 pm

Re: Practical advice needed

Postby Eske » Sun May 20, 2018 2:20 pm

graceforeverandever wrote:We can think sometimes that we can’t find solution to our problems but have you considered to take less courses and seek a part time job if you are able to become more self-sufficient? In regards your father sometimes people resort to drinking, smoking or gambling or some other form of escapising. Have you thought encourage your dad of joining to a support group of Alcoholic Anonymous?


If I took less courses, I would loose the scholarship (and get a huge debt), which is the only thing that allows me to go to university. Anyway, lectures are finished and I'll graduate soon, I just have to make the last efforts.
I have to take a deep breath and send CVs with my birth name and the wrong gender - it might sound silly, but it distressed me so much that it prevented me from finding a job this winter - because otherwise I'll be likely discriminated and never get a job. Of course they never say "no, because you're trans" in an explicit way; if the trans person passes as the other sex, the interviewers act normally, then glance at the ID card that still shows the gender assigned at birth, say "we'll let you know" and never call again; if the trans person doesn't pass, for ex. a transwoman with a deep voice, they lie and say that there are no positions left (an experiment was made; one minute later, a cis woman called the same company and magically got an appointment for a trial period).
Whatever. I'll take that deep breath and send that damned CV. There's no other choice. I hope that my salary won't make me loose the scholarship - which is given for "how much and well someone studies" (I don't know how to translate xD) and, at the same time, for "how much the income is low" - because the bureaucracy considers my parents' salary and not only mine unless for two years I lived in a separated house and had a minimum salary. This rule doesn't help students at all to become indipendent, I guess because in my country policies take for granted that families will be the source of all financial help - or "just help" - to students and to old, disabled or ill people.

My father is not at the point of needing Alcoholic Anonymous, he doesn't get drunk. We can't get drunk, unless we buy three bottles of wine or one bottle of vodka per day, which is... too expensive.
He's just the kind of person that has a healthy lifestyle only if the financial situation is not stressful. His eventual healthy lifestyle is like a facade, he doesn't have it in the blood, so to speak. And who am I to persuade him to change; his wife is already trying and has many more social skills than me. Who am I to tell him anything; he has every power because he brings money home. Even when I had that little salary in summer, I didn't have power; it was the period in which I received the first threats of being kicked out. If wine and cigarettes help him to move on and work, who am I to change things? I just wish they worked for me too. I wish I had a simple way to deal with problems, instead of over-analyzing them and get depressed.


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