Everything in my life feels wrong

[Nisa]

i always tried to do so much right. Was even called a "goody goody" girl in high school. I did what was expected, i went to school, church, got good grades, went to college, got a graduate degree, a house, a career, a husband and a baby. all the things i was "suppose" to do. But dear lord forgive me, I HATE MY LIFE.

I hate that i am so in debt from college to work a job that i no longer like but have to keep to pay off the loans for school.

i hate my small starter home that i've been in for 10 years because my husband has been unemployed for about 3 1/2- 4 of those years leaving me to pay for EVERYTHING from mortgage to toothpaste without assistance and my salary which would be good otherwise being the sole source of support for the two of us and our child.

I hate my husband, but not as much as he hates me. He resents and blames me for him being out of work, for his car breaking down and regularly for his lot in life. He's been verbally abusive and emotionally withdrawn for years. We've had sex 6 times in 3 years and 1 of those times i got pregnant with our beautiful son.

My son loves me soo much and is the light of my life. He brings so much happiness and joy even if i do wish that i could give him more. But hes a toddler now, the joy and happiness of my universe is too much for a 2 year old to carry.

An associate of mine had a father who died, i sent her flowers and she hugged me in thanks. i immediately started crying. she thought i was moved by her plight but the truth was it was the most caring gesture i've felt is a good 3 years.

I am so sad, lonely, depressed, the meds i secretly got on last year help with the overwhleming desire to cry but nothing is improving. On top of this my job/career causes me to have to carry and provide for the finacial well-being and mortages of 6 other people and their families. its all too much and i just want to escape.

i have done everything "right" and the things you are "suppose" to do and everything in my life feels wrong.

[littlestarsmum]

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. My heart goes out to you at this time, and I wish I could give you a hug. I know how painful and frustrating it must be for you. Please get some help right away. Have you ever considered talking to a therapist/counselor? A caring professional might be able to give you some solid guidance. Do you think your husband might consider going with you? I just said a prayer for you, and I hope that God will surround you with His comfort and peace, and provide the wisdom and help you need at this time. Your situation may seem impossible right now, but I do believe there is hope. I'm glad you have a sweet son. Stay strong, mama. Sending hugs & prayers your way!

[Helloraspberries1]

Hi there, sorry to hear what's been happening.

As the other person said below are you seeing therapist or doctor at moment? Also have you thought about relationship counselling? Do you think it would help.

Sounds like your doing everything you possibly can and you should be proud of yourself. No one deserves to judge you for that and we certainly don't here. If anyone judges you it shows how ignorant some people are and have no clue what you been through.

At the moment you said you work. Have you talked to anyone at work about this? Would speaking to your manager help? Also I don't know if your work place entitles you to vouchers or any other great benefits but you could look it those if saving money is something.

Does your husband receive benefits? If so what benefits? Have you thought about claiming child support or housing benefits? It might be worth considering.

Are you happy in your job at the moment? Are you getting good pay? Would looking for other work help? You can still work whilst your on benefits. Universal Credit is a good one.

At the moment I would look into those things and see what is best for your situation. I would try and talk to someone first. With your husband I would try and sit down with him and work out a plan for you both. Communication is important in a relationship and if you can work through that you can work through anything. Maybe consider relationship counselling. Relate is a good service what provides that. Where in the world do you live? They might have similar places to this.

Please try remain calm. Talk to someone first. Then sit down with your husband and work out a plan. Write down your bills and incomes. See what goes in and goes out. Also shopping list.

Does that help?

Please keep in touch.

[Louise]

It's terrible to hear what your going through. Life doesn't always seem fair but you have some control over it. You have the power to change things you don't like even if it does seem impossible. Maybe your so nice that your not selfish enough, if you want a better life maybe you need to take action, like making a better relationship with your husband and if he's not willing then decide what you want with or without him.
Not everyone has a job they enjoy but other things can make you happy? Maybe if other things were making you happy a job wouldnt bring you down so much. You should see friends, find inexpensive hobbies, days out with your boy, more sex! Of course easier said than done sometimes.

[CitM]

There is no question that you are in a miserable place right now. I'm guessing that you are a very sensitive soul and like a flower in a drought have been deprived of the love you deserve as a living being. You're son is probably also feeling like you are the light of your life as it sounds like your husband is just a very angry and bitter person in his own regards and your son is no fool and instinctively knows that if his dad could do that to you, he might be blaming him for things too.

Remember that your child is still a child and can only take on so much burden or will break himself under such stress. Do you have a friend or relative that lives a good five hour car ride away? One that is just yours prior to your marriage? You need some time out of that environment and so does your son. I think it would be good to arrange a four day weekend with your son away from your husband to get some emotional rest, and maybe some good positive advice.

One of the best things I can tell you right now, is seek out a reputable financial adviser. For 300 dollars (or if your bank has one for free) to get some good sound financial professional advice. They can set up a short term, and five year plan that's actually doable for cutting your debt in half.

Set up a separate savings account (for emergency money) that you have your company mail your entire check to, and that you can transfer half of what you earn into the joint account with your husband for household monies. Make it a savings account ONLY so that you have to go to YOUR specific bank to get those funds out. Make it in YOUR name only so that you have control where the money goes. Cut up your credit cards if you have any or store them out of your wallet where you consciously have to get them.

By the way I have done ALL of these things, and as a result, we were ok when the housing bubble burst and were not upside down in our mortgage and we managed to keep our house. Having a separate savings account saved my family when a car unexpectedly quit and we had to get a new on, because the other was beyond repair. And I managed when money was too tight to pay for three months on our house mortgage and I still have money in that account. So, yeah, it's a good thing.

One other piece of advice that I will share with you that I also follow. In today's world of resale shops, especially for clothing, and online shopping that is highly competitive, there is NO good reason for anyone to PAY FULL RETAIL PRICE for clothing, except for underwear. None. Now good winter coats, boots and shoes? That's another matter. You want what will keep you warm and worn winter coats often are just worn out. But the rest of it?

Believe me you can find awesome clothes in resale shops. I get complimented all the time on this beautiful early spring, late autumn dress that I bought in a retail shop that is very well made. I finally read the tag on it after so many people complimented me on it. It is a Ralph Lauren. I couldn't believe it!! I paid 10 dollars for it. I've worn it to church, funerals, nice places. And it is a piece that is going to stay in my closet because on top of being very nice, it is modest and well made for just about any occasion, especially for winter events (made of corderoy).

So just cause clothing has a low sticker price, doesn't meant it's cheap. Often clothing in retail shops today are made with better material and better sewn and lasts longer than the clothing one finds in stores. Not always, but often, especially blue jeans.

Hope this helps and you find some relief soon to your stressors.

[sunnysidedown89]

I hear you and am sending you prayers.

I wish there were more support structures in place for people who are in your position. You do everything right, and then somehow it shakes out wrong- so where do you go from here?

Counseling, church services for sure- maybe they can help you out with more practical get-the-job-done type of advice.

big hugs, lady! You're a trooper.

[JLM1980]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way right now. May I ask how much time you have been spending with God in prayer and reading your Bible or singing praise? Your spirit sounds heavy. I found that even though I spent many years in the church and reading my Bible, that I was still unhappy, even though I had everything I had ever prayed for. God showed me a few things through this season. First, he had me examine my heart. Were there any in-repented sins? Addictions? Etc...that were separating my heart from communion with God and the peace that he gives. I came from a home where I was verbally and emotionally abused. Which led me to choose men that were similar, which led to a lot of anger, rejection, fears, feelings of being unlovable and basically not knowing how to give and receive love. God showed me that I had to start with forgiving anyone who had ever hurt me, rejected me, let me down, etc. In Matthew 6:15, Jesus says that if we do not forgive others their sins, our Father will not forgive ours. So, I started there. And then God showed me other sins that were separating me from truly knowing God and His peace. He showed me that my smoking cigarettes was giving me a divided heart and as it says in Matthew 6:24 Jesus says that no one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. I found that the more I read the Bible and let God show me what it was that was separating me from Him, and the more I let Him work on me, the happier I became. The things that I had once prayed for and came to dread, I now found a new appreciation for. A new found joy and thankfulness. It takes ALL of you seeking ALL of HIM. Your marriage may not be right at this time, but God heals and restores. I encourage you and your husband to take this journey of healing together. Shut out the world, TV, secular music, drinking, etc. Listen only to Worship music, watch sermons together, read the Bible together, etc. In Jeremiah 29:13, the Bible says that If you seek God you will find Him when you seek Him with ALL of your heart. And in Matthew 6:33 Jesus says that if you seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, that all these things will be given to you as well. I truly did find that in order for God to really show up in a BIG way and change my life, He wanted it ALL...ALL of Me. It is worth it...God is worth it. He WILL do for you and your family what He has done for mine. God is in the business of LOVE and Miracles. God's Love!

[gjetson33]

Life can be difficult at times but you are strong and can get through this. Praying God's peace over you and your family.

[alliam]

Hello,
First I want to start by giving you a virtual hug.
Im so sorry your life has taken a detour from the path you first started on. This story sounds extremely familiar to me. It has been told in my life as well as my youngest daughters life. The one thing I can tell you that I told myself back then and my daughter not too long ago is this.
We all go through our ups and downs in life. The times that enlighten us and make a lasting happy memory we can reflect back to when all else is going south on us. We also go through those times in our life that will seem at the time like we will never smile again. Each one guides us eventually back to the path we had originally decided was the best time ever.
Though we can't really tell you how to get back on it, I believe its something that you are struggling to decide but ultimately know how to achieve. Its a hard spot to be in. But believe in yourself. You have up to this point made every right decision to get your life started and I have every confidence in you that you will use those same qualities to get it back on track.
Look at what you have achieved and not what has failed and draw your strength and confidence from the high points.