the sun has depression

[soke]

She struggles up with the sun, shovels 'healthy' food into her mouth and is pushed out the door to catch the bus. A sea of voices and sounds as it zooms past the houses. She closes her eyes and imagines her other lives, her make-believe families. Her ideal self.

She flows to her class, a swimmer stuck in a rip. Teachers blare their instructions. Pens do pointless scribble on dead trees. She imagines her second life, she is beautiful and strong. She has friends who are so caring, her family loves her. Recess snaps her back to reality, her lives are muddled up. "Who cares which one is real" she thinks. She sits by the sea, wishing that her second person, the strong one, the confident and brave one. Will appear and swim her out to sea, to sink down to the bottom and live with the fish. There's no pain under the sea.

She lowers her head as she finds herself thinking of ways to gain attention, if she nearly died, she would have someone care for her, hold her.

Memories flood back to her, bad memories. She feels like crying but cannot let down the facade, the mask is slipping. "I am tired" she explains. The blur of faces sweep past, suddenly she's home, in her room. She just sits and sits and sits. Thinking. She goes to sleep as the sun returns to the lonesome ocean.

The sun rises as she wakes up. The same day. She looses interest in everthing. Over and over and over, day by day by day. Time doesn't count for anything. The sun must be very depressed. It's burning itself up. She goes to sleep with the sun. The sun rises.

love soke

[crystalgaze]

Wow! Soke... that was good! Do you write stories a lot?!

I hope you're patting yourself on the back. I liked it!

[TackingIntoTheWind]

You're reading my mind, stop it!
Seriously though, I often feel very similar to this, as if I could be so much better, stronger, more confident, if I could only find the right place? Time?, Person? Job? Situation? I don't know.
Then I remind myself that all I have to do is to be the best " me " that I can be, and that that will be enough, that is all that any of us can do. But, finding/building self esteem is hard, isn't it?
( Even for people like myself who are Welsh, and therefore perfect! )
Hope this make sense!