February~A Poem by Me :)

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tinkerbelle
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 12:16 am

February~A Poem by Me :)

Postby tinkerbelle » Mon Feb 15, 2010 7:08 pm

February

Hiding behind dark shades
So nobody sees that I’m crying
Polite hellos and smiles
Mask the fact that I’m dying

My existence is irrelevant
In death I would be free
I’m alienated from the living
And no longer am I me

Who I was has died
I despise the shell that remained
All that was good is gone
From depression, I have been maimed

Snow covered fields surround me
Above is the wide blue sky
I know that they must be beautiful
Yet all pleasure passes me by

Sunrises and sunsets
Daffodils, the ocean, Spring rain
Christmas morning, my children’s laughter
All they cause is pain

I am tortured by the memories
Of how amazing happiness can be
I long to feel that way again
To see the way I used to see

I’m watching my children grow
And mourning over all that I’ve lost
My body may be here, but I’m gone
Depression--is this the cost?

Their every request makes me guilt-ridden
For I say not now, maybe later, or no
I’m teased with memories of the mother I was
Of her, there is nothing left to show

Every day they are a reminder
Of the perfect lives we once led
Until that seemingly normal day
Their mother turned up dead

I long for the moment they go to sleep
So I don’t have to act like things are alright
I withdraw into my own little world
I find safety within the dark of the night

Yet as the early morning hours arrive
I dread the coming day
I wonder how long I can survive like this
I search for another way

I spend my days ruminating
Over the future or of the past
I live within a daydream
The days go by so fast

When my children are gone, I miss them
The pain is more than I can bear
So I escape with Captain Morgan
And for a bit, I just don’t care

I keep drinking, dancing, and mingling
Singing and partying with “friends”
I feel so alive and on top of the world
‘Till the moment the drunken night ends

I awake with more than a hangover
I’m emotional, unstable, and depressed
My world is crashing down around me
I’m anxious, volatile, and distressed

I again find myself hiding behind shades
So that nobody sees me crying
The pain is so much worse than before
I know that I must be dying

I find myself driving aimlessly
Thoughts whirling through my head
Convincing myself of so many lies
Unhappy with how my life’s being led

Every hurtful thing in my past
Suddenly come into full view
Positive that not even my parents loved me
And that none of my friends are true

It’s as if my mind is only receptive
To pain, broken hearts, and fears
Each of those hurtful memories
Haven’t faded a bit over the years

I hear a love song on the radio
Instantly my heart is pierced with pain
It reminds me of an ex from somewhere, sometime
And the tears start falling like rain

Even songs that were once happy
Make the tears fall all the more
For they remind me of good times
Of the happiness I had before

I analyze the way that I feel
Trying to make sense of it all
I contemplate within my mind
To pinpoint my downfall

Depression magnifies painful emotions
It’s so debilitating and dire
All past hurt comes into focus
Rationalization goes haywire

Everything overwhelms me
Money, health, house, car, and life
I’m so withdrawn and unmotivated
I’ve failed as a mother and a wife

I question who I am as a person
Who I was, and who I’ve become
I’ve lost all energy and interest
At times I’m devoid and numb

Tomorrow brings another day
Lies to live, tears to hide
I’m hanging on to hope by a thread
Until that too has died

Lyra
aka Tink

TackingIntoTheWind
Posts: 1060
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
Location: South Wales

Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Wed Feb 17, 2010 11:45 am

I have to admit that I feel much the same as this at times, so your poem is very meaningful to me.
I supose a lot of people wear a " mask " of reassuring mock cheerfulness. I find it easier to do this sometimes, easier than when people glimpse my true, feelings of depression, desolation and bitter futility. Feelings that they can't understand and I often have neither the capacity or the motivation to explain.
Still, as long as we have a thread to hang on to hope with that's enough! Even if it is just from moment to moment sometimes. As Franklin Delano Roosevelt said: "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. "


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