Poetry, short stories, paintings, photography, songs – art of all genres.

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Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 22, 2014 12:04 am


Postby Turtle » Mon Dec 22, 2014 12:19 am

Look around at the world
What do you see?
Much more then just basics
Look past the love
And the hatred you feel
Realize you're not
The only person here
Now take a deep breath in
And feel the cool air rush
Through your body,
Into your lungs
Feel your heart beat.
Your blood moving
Through your veins
Your muscles working
Then your energy depletes
Take a rest,
Your life is over.

Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Mon Dec 22, 2014 10:54 am

I want to switch the order of hatred and love in lines 4 and 5.

Then, for me, the poem ends in quiescence instead of excrescence.

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