Desperation

[inrecovery2011]

The questions I wonder today are ones that can chill to the bone
If my heart quit beating would a tear be shed
Would my absence me noticed
Out of all the things I desire the most prominent is death
If I say what I feel would it be understood
Or would the words selfish come back at me
Would they say it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem
I can’t handle the lose the resorting to who I once was
I want so bad to be me but now I see all that is left for me is to disappear
I wish I could undo my whole life go back to the one day it was almost over and lay in bed
I see no more hope no more happiness
I want no I need to be with my dad the thing I said almost 23 years ago
A promise to him I broke
Please make the pain go make the days end
Take the away all I have been through make me whole again
I am so unsure of where to go what to do
I am not even sure if I matter any more
To put on a smile is to lie to mask the true inner feelings
How can it be possible to even take another breathe
How can I sit here pretend to be okay
I wonder what people would think if I were just gone
My mind needs a break a rest a safe place to heal
Yet I deny myself the healing I need I don’t press the issues
God why have I decided I would rather be gone than deal with the looks
Please God help me and bring me home if I am to stay alive it will be because my heart is too stupid to stop the beating it does
For I am already dead on the inside no more light to be seen at the end of the tunnel and no more wishing it’s not a train
Please forgive these thoughts but for me I can’t see a happy ending that people say is there
All I see is the pain continuing and the end not coming prolonging the agony
The guilt sets in when I can’t get these thoughts off my mind
Can’t say the words that needs to be said
A plea for help today and wondering if I stressed enough I need help
Do I keep trying or admit defeat and quit trying please I beg help if you can
For today I don’t know if I can continue