My Heart

[crystalgaze]

I have decided that I will do what I can--how I can--to protect my heart, especially since I may have some kind of condition. It will probably be a little at a time or however I can manage it.

Edit: I have also decided against romantic relationships, sex, feeling down, etc. because the last thing I need right now are things to trigger me & mess with my already delicate heart.

Self-preservation is the key right now.

[crystalgaze]

Well, it's finally here. I don't know exactly what condition I have.

However, I have had an indicator that makes me aware of something being definitely wrong.

I don't know how to feel. My best description for it is 'mixed'. There also hasn't really been any support (in my real life).

[crystalgaze]

Let's see.... Right now, I'm doing my best to think up a solid plan. As usual, I'm just angry. Also, as usual is that dull headache/random aches + pains.

It will be a few weeks before I am able to see the specialist. I made an appointment the other day, even though I really don't want to go.

My original plan was to do all my health stuff after I had gotten on my feet.... Well, my body has other plans, but after a point, I'm just not going to care or bother anymore.

At the moment, I can't take anymore. It is true that I'm not dealing with cancer, losing a limb or anything like that. Still, this 1-after-the-next popping up of illnesses is driving me up the wall. (Give me a break, already!)

For a while, I contemplated not going to the specialist because I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I'm not sure whether I should go to my GP, where I could probably see him MUCH sooner than the specialist.... >.<

CG's.... in a pickle!!

Thoughts, anyone?

[crystalgaze]

Well, I decided to just go to the specialist. A few more days & it'll be time!

Meanwhile, I hadn't taken my medicine break-of-dawn-ish like I usually do & oh boy... I started to have some pains.

I am just going to tell myself that it's not that big of a deal. (How's that for a coping strategy?!)

[crystalgaze]

Well, I've finally got the ball rolling on this one. There are like 4 tests to do, 2 each on 2 different days & a follow-up....

I should know my verdict, just in time for Christmas! (Oh joy!)

It was a little strange when I came home..... My Dad gave me this worried face, like he wanted to cry. That was even before I told him that my pressure was elevated (especially since I didn't take my medicine that day). Afterwards, I was pretty sad. As usual, no one in my real life (my chosen) was there for me, but that's why I exist.

Note to self: I have to find new people.

I have a big decision to make soon. My doctor seems to want to help me. He's a pretty cool guy. The question is whether I tell him what happened when I became ill a few years ago. My mind tells me not to do so, lest I be judged or treated differently. It's the different treatment that is a pain, so I think I will most likely refrain. (There aren't many specialists I can go to here, so it's not like I can just up & go to another one very easily, without needing to jump on a plane.)

[xken728]

You take care my dear freind ,you have a wonderful heart ,and xmas will be a joy ,something will make it that way ,for you. im sorry ive not been around much ,but for the lack of words ,i was always here , keep going Onika you have great strentgh ,, your dear freinds Ken and Fran !!!!!!

[crystalgaze]

((((((((((((( Ken & Fran!! )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My 1st set of tests are tomorrow. I'm a tad anxious.... (Again, it's the going & doing, not necessarily what will be said.)

The dull headache comes & goes. I didn't take the medicine today because I am going to do my tests tomorrow.

It's been a bit of a hubub baloo in the house....

[xken728]

Onika ,anxious is unaviodable ,things will be fine i hope ,you must do whatever you have to to be ok ,often this means doing things we dont want to do ,,Just be brave our thoughts will be with you .Your very strong and savvy ,Warm wishes Ken and Fran !! ps nice to see you also ,,,

[crystalgaze]

(((((((((((((( Ken & Fran + Family!! ))))))))))))))))))

Well... Maybe in another week or 2, I'll take my last 2 tests. One is lab work & the other is a 24 hr monitor..... My echo & my stress test looked normal, according to the technicians (as I knew it would be). I think the only tests that were a little off so far were the EKG & my pressure the 1st day I saw the doctor.

I wonder what'll happen next. It's almost exciting.... because I'm pretty sure nothing will be found to be wrong. It almost always happens that way; I have so many years of that--disappointments in medicine. It's annoying because that means I still don't have any concrete answers. However, I'll just be glad nothing is wrong.

I decided that if I have anymore chest pain, I'm really not going to worry. It'll either kill me or I'll pass out & be taken to the Emergency Room. No big deal.

[xken728]

This it what Fran was like the other week ,taken by ambulance into the hossy ,,heart monior and everything she did say the pain was very bad ,so try not to be to worried Onika ,but as you say sometimes these things cannot be explained ,and although painful ,they sometimes just have to be lived with ,Frans happened 2 weeks ago and she still has a slight pain ,but they said it could be stress or something muscular connected to the bad way she has to cough ,Keep your chin up kiddo ,we,ll keep an eye on you ,treat yourself a little!!!!! GO ON ,,,,,
Dont be a stranger now ,Warm wishes Ken and Fran !!!!!!

[crystalgaze]

I am going for the last of my tests very soon. You don't know how glad I will be when I don't have to go back there. [~shudders~ to the Doctor's Office]

I must remember to get a copy of all of the tests that were done.


------

I did wake up with slight chest pain this morning, but it was from this dream that was about to turn into a nightmare.... I woke up just at the point it was about to become a serious nightmare. It was still enough to give me a fright, but the good news is: It hasn't triggered me. (Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you....!!)

[crystalgaze]

Let's see..... I will be done doing the 24 hr Holter soon! I'm so glad! I wanted to tear the nodes off of my skin, since they were starting to itch me. It's also a pain not being able to sleep on my side. >_<

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( Crystal )))))))))))))

Do understand heart condition, deal with one myself. Luck with it all and keeping good thoughts for you.

Warmie

[xken728]

Warm thoughts for you Onika ,keep going girl ,your strong i know things like this are very scary for us at times but please take it easy ,
Warm wishes Ken and Fran ,,,,

[crystalgaze]

Today is my last appointment!! (I hope!) Super YAY! I just want it to be D-O-N-E!!