Notes/Letters

[crystalgaze]

Things have been better, I must say.

I've been feeling okay for the most part. Today, I'm a little low energy, but I'll fix that later.

My attitude towards men has improved; I'm happy for that, as it's one less issue to tackle.

The guy I've been with has been more attentive & affectionate lately. I'm not sure what's happening. He's usually does not show/express his feelings. He even mentioned marriage to me again just yesterday.... (Really there should be an emoticon for a dropped jaw...) Well, to be fair, this much older man said to my boyfriend that he should marry me & my man told me..... I think he is fishing my feelings on the issue of marriage.

I'm not sure of his feelings or mine, to be honest. I've gone through a lot in the past few months.... I know I don't hate him or any man around me, but it doesn't strike me as love either. (I'm amazingly level-headed.)

[crystalgaze]

Things seem to still be okay.... It's amazing....

I don't know if I can say I love him very strongly. There are moments of that, but it is not constant. (We've had a few fights that's resulted in static between us.)

We call each other regularly enough, at least once per day, so I guess that's pretty good.

Now, here's the part I've not said, & it's that my father does not like him for the behavior that he has observed out of my companion....

That is a sort of bummer.... My Dad has a point about what he says to me, so I let him talk. I simply go with caution & try to determine the truth.... Personally, I can't tell whether he loves me or not.

Now, my companion has been saying he would like to marry me, but I told him that I didn't know about that. In the beginning, both my parents adored him. My Mom still asks me for him.... My Dad, on the other hand, is more reserved, especially now.

I am not sure if my man knows how my father really feels toward him....

[crystalgaze]

Things seem to be better than ever right now. My boyfriend is finally listening to me & being a bit more consistently there for our relationship, after a whole year.

Better late than never??

It HAS been quite ROCKY & I have been bad girl enough--coming & going when he wouldn't bother to stop being as selfish as he was being.

We have sort of come to an understanding.....

I feel I can stay with him now & not feel a way.

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Also, I figured out what it is that would make me be with more than 1 person at a time.

Besides my supposed "partner" not willing to be there for me financially or emotionally, one of the worst issues that would prompt me to be almost all over the place is not feeling either satisfied with the relationship enough or the other big one, which is not being satisfied in the bedroom.

The bedroom was one of my major problems with my current partner. He was just selfish & wouldn't really tend to me & well, I'm still very young, though not 18. In short, it would drive me up the wall.

Thank goodness that's out of the way. I would say things & "he wouldn't pay me any mind with what I was saying". He's even starting to do those little things that can make me say, "Alright, this is a man I'm willing to go to the altar with in the near future."
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I had the same bedroom problem with a lot of my partners, whom I'm not with today. I'm only sad it took me so long to truly realize that it was such a big issue to me.

Well, that's enough of that!! The truth will set you free, right???

[crystalgaze]

All I can say here is that with my recent miscarriage, he's really done his best to be there for me.

When he saw the blood, he suggested I go to the doctor--since he knows I don't like going to the doctor (& he knows about my odd periods).

He had to go away, so he's called me pretty much each & every day, sometimes twice or thrice or more per day....

[crystalgaze]

After a lot of fighting, I've had to use some psychology on my male friend to get him to stop doing things I don't like.

One time he spoke to me out of the way, was abrupt and virtually hung up on me for pretty much no reason.

When I got him the next day, I told him I needed him to do something for me, which was: Don't talk to me like that again. I asked that if he had a problem with me to simply just tell me so. "No, no there isn't a problem. Everything's okay."

The psychology: You're too young for that..... He's like, ??? I told him, "I don't know what's wrong, but whatever I do (right or wrong), you act like a grumpy old man. You're too young!

You see those words on the end? Grumpy old man? It seems to have done the trick--for now.

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I got a bit of disturbing news. Apparently, the owner of the house where my male friend lives comes and listens to us when we are together. Yep, you read that right. The owner is also a male. The person either comes by the door or the window or whatever. I just found out today. It's sort of creepy.

[crystalgaze]

I went off to seek a new relation with the hope of love and support. Let's just say I had to run as fast as I could from the guy.

He was talking our bedroom business and yep, it's out on the street. I've seen the guy for a long time in passing. Maybe it's been a year at least. Maybe in the last 3 or 4 months, we got closer and finally we went together (my decision, as he's been waiting for me for a while).

We still talk very good, but I do not believe I can go back with him after that.

He says he didn't tell anyone anything. If that is true, then I have to wonder if he let his "friends" into the yard to be under or by the window or something. Or if he left on his cell phone so they could hear everything. Or if he were videotaping me or had a tape recording going or something.

I felt very safe with him, and it was pretty funny as we were quite similar. It's just that he broke my trust. Oh well.
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On another note, this guy looks like he's trying to stalk me now. He tried to "roll" on me and I asked him, whether he was ready to take care of me. Let's just say he got upset and later that day he picked a fight with me for virtually no reason, so he could shout and go on with all his machismo schupidness (stupidity). I've found out he has a bad way when he doesn't get what he wants.

He trying to come at me for sex and then also say that there was a job for me in his project. It's not my thing to mix work and play, though. I also started to feel like maybe the guy was a fraud. It was not my first time encountering him, so I thought maybe he's okay. W-R-O-N-G!

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A married man came to me talking crap and I told him from the get-go that I really don't deal with married men. He still kept coming. All he did was talk about himself, so I listened. He was in the military, so it didn't look like he liked to be interrupted. He had the nerve to say that someone else he knew was "selfish". It was so very ironic when he's egotist (and maybe even an egoist)!!

When he gets into talking about what he wants, I told him "No" and he got upset. He played off the rejection by saying that there are a lot of woman who would jump at the opportunity at the 200 something and 800 something women he slept with in a year.

I just smiled because with all the women he slept with, he didn't get me. He believes himself to be a master of women, but there is nothing genuine about him or anything he may "feel" toward me. He didn't love me or care about me. I was just an object. All he has is technique and an old one at that but can't handle a "cerebral" princess. (That's what he referred to me as and claims that's what he was attracted to in me.)

He believes that as long as he talks to a woman that he will get what he wants. Well, duh, obviously the quality and the content of those words are important too. When I strip away the fluff/the sex talk/the nonsense/ the crap and find there's nothing left, it's really not worth it and a waste of my time.

Also, he was much older than me and wasn't about to help me with anything in my life. For all the risk that is involved, there has to be some money in there somewhere for me to EVEN consider it. He has a daughter a little bit older than me and one, maybe a year younger than me. So, it's okay for him to put his grimy hands on me, but no one is supposed to touch his daughters. I wonder how he would feel if a man his age came to his youngest daughter for free ****!

I can't believe that jerk came to treat me in such a demeaning way and that I was supposed to love it. Literally he was coming to treat me like a piece of trash/garbage or **ore. I mean heck, if he's going the **ore route, then he should do it authentically and put good money in my hand for my "services".

I tell you it gets on my nerves.

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The worst part about the last two incidents I've described is that these so called men, or should I appropriately refer to them as mice, act like friggin' **ssies when they don't get what they want. How do they expect me to jump in the bed with them, when in the end they do not actually have the spirit of a real man? If I wanted a woman, that's exactly who I would date. My goodness! It's disturbing!!

**I just want to indicate that the spirit of a real man has nothing to do with [excessive/negative/harmful] machismo, masculinity, or male anatomy, in my opinion. That's not what I'm talking about at all in the section immediately above this note.

[crystalgaze]

There is a person who is very special to me already, but I'm a little worried about it. He says he's attracted to me for my brain. I guess that is so.

I'm getting past that major moment where my previous man talked on me and totally scandalized me. Someone did see me the other day who I was sure knew about it, and I felt so bad, but I got through it.

This new person I met is really intelligent & I can be myself around him. He's a little close-minded but still somewhat open-minded. If we don't end up together, I'd like us to be good friends for a long time to come. He fills a void & is supportive--encouraging me in lots of POSITIVE different things from education to work and more. We're geeks together!

[crystalgaze]

Right now, I'm not really dating or anything. I feel good about it. There are people I like, but no one is committed to me, really there for me (supportive, encouraging) and also there are no keepers.

Work was helpful to me with stabilizing my life somewhat. I realized I had some issues to sort out for a bit, from rape to other maltreatment. Something a friend said to me made me see it, so I just did my best to face it.

I'm still here.