Does depression make you nasty?

[lucygoose]

Hi guys,
This is my forst ever post on this site, and the first time Ive talked about this...
My husband was recently diagnosed with depression, he is taking anti depressants called Sertraline and is waiting for an appoinment with a psychiatrist to whom he's been referred.
First off - anyone any experience with Sertraline?
Now then he has all the clear symptoms of depression, won't eat, can't sleep (but all he wants to do is sleep), lack of personal hygiene, no sex drive, slow speach, indecisiveness, no motivation, no zest for life and generally a very far fetch from who he used to be.
I am no stranger to depression, having very severe depression on and off for thirteen years in my past and being hospitalized countless times for the harm I did to myself. However I finally found an amazing therapist and am how a very lucky person to be in control of my feelings, to be able to laugh and cry without considering I could be hitting an extreme. (All of this happened before I met my husband).My parents also have had depression for the length of my life.
However, Ive not known anyone had depression and be as nasty as he can be to me. I am sticking by him because I feel obliged and do love him, however most people would have got up and gone. Because of this "label" of depression he has I feel it's my wifely duty to just take it.
Being there myself with depression, I know for one I did not have the motivation to be nasty, I did not have the self confidence to be nasty and due to the depression I would not have said boo to a goose, because I hd such low self worth, which is what I presume happens in everyone when they have depression. Am I wrong???
The way he neglects me, and when he does rarely talk to me it is so disrespectful, the way he does not touch me or have a sex drive or ever say or do anything which could constitute a relationship - my friends have asked if he's having an affair when I tell them he won't go near me, and personally I find it hard to accept he has depression and that this new label is just an excuse for him.
That sounds so awful doesnt it, I have all the sympathy in the world for people with depression but I just feel its an excuse for him. Could this be because I don't want him to have depression because I am finally happy and want to have a happy life ? I don't knoiw. I just feel he's acted this way for two years but only this month has seen the doctor and had the diagnosis and that it is just his new reason for being a nasty piece of work to me.
Please advise - has anyone else with depression pushed away their loved ones and treated them disrespectfully etc
Has anyone with loved ones seen them act like this towards them?
I feel like Im really putting myself out there by sticking by him him when he treats me as he does and really can't aknowledge any nice feelings towards him. I need to know if this is normal depressive beheviour- in which case I'll find the strength to carry on supporting him and hope when he gets better so too does our relationship. But if you guys feel it is unrelated to the depression then I really have to think whats best for me and our one year old daughter (who he completely neglects too).
If you have found that depression = "nastyness" what are your tips , thoughts and advice?
Honesty much appreciated
Thansk in advance of replies
XXX

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( luckygoose )))))))))))))))))

This is a hard question, not a straight forward, yes or no. It can. Depression can cause many things to change in our lives. It is the same with us, yet so different.

Know that isn't the answer you are looking for but this is what I feel.

Hopefully your husband will find that amazing therapist as well and get things turn as much as possible. Depression is 'hell'. sorry for stating it that way, but it really is. You want to be 'YOU' and don't know how to get back there.

Good luck with it all, hold on tight for the ride.

Please continue posting, it helps to talk it out.

Warmie/Jeanie13

[xn728]

hi there ,he would have to be a good actor to pull this one off ,i have never been disrespecful to my wife and to girls ,i dont tell them how i feel so my pain does not becomes theirs ,but it is very hard being the man here ,every one depends on me ,i have to function ,so i wear the cloack of normal ness ,crying on the inside ,so much pain ,some times it seems like they dont understand ,so i do shout at them but in my head only
it does help ,im not really angry at them but it a relise , let him know you depend on him ,make him feel he has a job to do ,the other things
like sex etc that will all return when he feels better ,to be honest that is something that has,ent suffered ,im not telling you this in a purvy way
but it just shows you how its differant ,i dont like crowded places ,it took me 4 years before i could eat ameal in public ,you my have to be sypathetic ,but also push a little see how it goes ,good luck ,this is a good place reach out
and we will catch your fall ,,,,,xn728

[Aurelia5]

Hi Lucky~

I read your whole post with the idea that I believe 75% of your problem is the husband, not his depression. His depression sounds more like he's really unhappy with himself and is lashing out at the easiest person - you. This is standard behavior for people who don't know some of the tricks of keeping a marriage together. But before that, you have to know whether or not he, or you, even want to keep it going. Of course if you ask him he'll say yes, but do you really know him well enough to be able to tell?

Your relationship sounds painfully like one that I had for 10 years before I met my husband. I put up with a man who had a heart of stone who always found things wrong with me or my behavior, and hated it when I was "me". I have a pretty outgoing boisterous exterior - many depressives do, to hide our pain - and he just hated it when I made his friends laugh. He didn't love me the way I was. He wanted me to change into some quiet little idiot mouse.

So we broke up and got back together several times, I moved to a city an hour away, and met Brad, my husband, through the business I had at
the time. As soon as I found Brad, I got rid of the boyfriend, and WOWEE was it EVER the best thing I've ever done!

Yes. You are absolutely right about feeling unworthy of even being a little rude to someone. Also, just for the record, men typically lash out at others, whereas women internalize their pain and rage. You know this - you would injur yourself. If you had been a man, you probably would've put your fist through the door.

I agree with you competely that he is using this word - depression - as an excuse for his current behavior and to prove it he's going to a doc and getting on Zoloft, which is what sertraline is the generic for. More about the drug in a minute. You are amazingly intuitive - you can see that he might be this way because you are now happy with yourself and moving ahead. He feels, totally selfishly and irrationally, that you're upstaging him, or leaving him in the dust. So he's going to try to get the attention back on him by acting out. Just like a little kid - they throw a tantrum and get instant attention. I have seen this many times and it is as clear as crystal - you are right and he is the one with all the unresolved issues in his life. I feel sorry for the guy because usually by the time they are this abusive they are really, really unhappy with themselves. You can be sure he is telling himself it's everything around him that is wrong, not him. Everybody does this. It really takes guts to look hard at yourself with a critical eye and see that it's you that's broken, not everyone and everything around you.

At the beginning I said I was 75% sure you should go your own way, and let him sort out his own life. Now I am 100% sure . I don't say this lightly. You are married and you have a child. You can not just pack up and move out like I did. You have a duty to the marriage, but by this point you have done more than your duty and it is time to get out. Why? Because you said he neglects that baby. Neglect will turn to abuse the longer you stay in that relationship. He knows he can keep you both under his control now, so there is no reason for him to look at himself and identify the things he does that are poison for a marriage. The Zoloft may or may not work. It will be 4 weeks before you - or he - can tell. Four weeks is a long time. If it is truly that he is not depressed at all, but just unhappy with his life, then no drug in the world is going to help. Maybe he is unhappy with the marriage. Maybe he didn't want a kid right then. Maybe he hates his job if he has one. Whatever it is, he is the only one that can fix it. The only way to tip him over the edge he's now walking on is for you to leave.

A word of caution here. Do NOT leave unless you mean it. If you're going to stay gone and get on with your life and find a man that loves you just the way you are, you MUST not be weak and come back. If yoy leave, I can guarantee he will be calling and being sweet and begging you back. You CAN NOT go back. If you do he will have total control over you and there goes your life. Don't go back! So make damn sure you are ready when you leave.

The drug he is taking is an SSRI - Selective Seretonin Reuptake Inhibitor. It is one of many in it's class. Prozac is another. It basically keeps seretonin, which makes you feel good, floating around in your brain longer. It will probably have side effects - dry mouth, constipation, etc. Some people who don't really have that imbalance will get jittery, anxious, cranky. I bet five bucks that's what happens to him. There is a new one out now that's supposed to be the best. It's called Cymabalta. I'm on it and it is keeping me alive. My husband, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer at 52, just recently started on it because the treatment for his cancer is so awful he did'nt think he could handle it. I would not be the least bit surprised if your husband's doc puts him on Cymbalta after he says the Zoloft isn't working.

You didn't say how long you've been married or your ages. That would help me understand your situation better. If you've been married for a week, it's time to go. If you've been married for 20 years, then there will be a little more thought to your next move.

I am really happy for you and proud of you for having gotten your life on the ball, rolling in the right direction. You sound strong and sure of yourself. You are insightful and can also see your situation from other eyes. I think you are going to be able to leave once and for all if you decide that's the thing to do. I'd like to know his age, job, background. Anything you would like to tell me can help me help you. You give me the feeling that when you ask for advice, you take it. No wallowing in self-pity for you.

This is all for now. Please write back. This is probably the nicest bunch of people you'll find on the internet. I'm absolutely hooked on this site because the people are so nice. I've only been here for a few weeks and I'm not moving.

Let us know. We'll all be watching.

Aurelia5

[Aurelia5]

Lucygoose~

Forgive me for calling you the wrong name.

a5

[Aurelia5]

Lucy~

Are you out there?

What's been happening?

Are you ok?

Let us know.

a5

[Monty]

lucygoose,

It is terrible when the person who is the most important one in your life, ends up treating you like crap.
I am not proud of it, but before I got the proper help remember enough, that I know I was not the nicest person that I could be to my partner or my kids.
I was miserable and totally out of control, and I imagine that it took a lot for him to stay with me. I had kids too and just cringe when I think back on some of the things that I said and did. Over the past couple of years I have spent a lot of time tripping over myself, apologizing.

Now that many years have past, since the worst of the worst, my immediate family said that they knew that I was doing the best that I could to be a decent human being. They knew that I wasn't doing any behavior intentionally. I was doing my best to cope. Whatever happened they all still love me and, I couldn't ask to be treated better. They are there when I need them.

In your case, it sounds like your husband has crossed the line between being ill, and taking it out on you. Anyone who has had depression knows how it can affect your life. There is no excuse for the life that you are leading with that man. He needs to change his behavior, right now. You have a young child involved.

Like you, I found relief in hooking up with a pdoc that seemed to be on the same page as I was, and is a very caring man who just wants the best for his patients.

I realize that I am rambling.

At times I thought that I was abusive to my family, but they say that I wasn't, I was doing the best that I could (I know I keep repeating that, but it is something that I need to hold on tight to). That lets me sleep at nights.

Sounds like your husband it right out of control. Like Aurelia mentioned, you haven't told us too much about your personal situation ie, age, how long you have been married, whether your husband is older than you. You do mention that he hasn't always been like this. Must be difficult to have someone you love take a total 180 on you.

It does make a difference when children are involved. Especially when they are so young, so impressionable. If you are just talking about yourself being involved in the situation it is a totally different ballgame when you have some who (if in the situation long enough) might end up to have a skewed view on how a family normally interacts.


Suppose if you really get down to brass tacks, no one deserves to be treated like crap. If your husband seems to be getting the help that he needs, that is a different story. I hate to give advice, but I grew up in a family where my parents hated each other, and the fact that they didn't separate and just let us kids have some degree of normalcy in our lives, has haunted us kids for our entire adult lives.

If you think that if it would get you anywhere, maybe marriage counselling might be an option. Know that sometimes that can cost a lot of money, and if he isn't willing to do his part to make things better, might be a wast of time and money.

My son is having maritial difficulties, and a young child is also involved in that situation. They went to therapy. They also tried a trial separation, which seemed to work for the both of them. Now they are back to living in the same house. They seemed to need that break from each other to sort things out in their own minds, without being in each other's faces all the time.

Things have gone pretty far south in your situation, quite deservedly, there is a lot of resentment on your side.

This is a good, safe place to vent. This is a very kind, caring bunch of people. You can tell by the responses to your first note, that we want to help in any way that we can.

Keep writing and let us know how things are going for you in your corner of the world.