I don’t know what to do

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nanodayo
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Apr 25, 2018 11:29 pm

I don’t know what to do

Postby nanodayo » Wed Apr 25, 2018 11:42 pm

I’m not suicidal, which I felt is something I had to get out of the way. I have a great life; my family is wonderful, I have a lot of friends, I’m doing very well in school, and I have lots of extracurricular s that I’m involved in. My life seems like it should be completely fine, and it is, but I feel like I’m destroying myself with my own mind. I’ve traumatized myself on multiple occasions by making up false scenarios of death, murder, and rape in my head for no apparent reason. I absolutely hate myself one moment then love myself the next; I hate how fat I am because so many people online are saying horrible things about fat people though no one’s said anything to my face. I’m struggling with my sexuality and feel like I’m going to suffer if I don’t figure it out because I’m probably going to be alone forever if I end up realising I’m asexual. I beat myself up whenever I mess up in a social encounter, I get one bad grade, or I just look weird a at a given moment. If I do something to make someone angry or sad, as I’ve bullied a few people before, I will never forget. I never forget my most embarrassing moments and I physically shiver every time I think about it. I cry and mentally attack myself for past deeds, sometimes dating back to elementary school. I can’t tell if this is insanity or being extremely perfectionistic to a fault. Politics stresses me out majorly. My friends love debate and whenever we disagree I feel like I’m wrong and I want to mentally attack myself again. I’ve never been physically abusive to myself (except my disgusting skin picking disorder which is typically unrelated to my self-loathing), but I feel like my mind is slowly decaying as I make up traumatizing events in my mind and best myself up. I feel like I get upset for no reason, which is why I create false traumatizing scenarios to give me a reason to feel the way I feel. Am I going to be like this forever? I’m only 16 and people say it gets better (and I probably will), but I’m so predisposed to stress and over-analysing life’s horrors with my terrifyingly creative brain that I might just traumatise myself and overthink life’s mistakes for the rest of my days. Does losing weight help with this or does it just make you hate yourself more for trying to shed a skin to grow a heart? I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m so mentally unstable, though I’m probably actually not. My mind contradicts itself a lot, and I know the logical conclusion but my emotions still deny it. I don’t know why I posted on this forum; I just felt desperate to get my thoughts out and get clarity since I’ve been denying these occurrences and pretending I’m a happy camper. I’d appreciate it if you commented your thoughts (though idk what you’d say since I just spouted nonsense).

Avidreader9559
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:42 am

Re: I don’t know what to do

Postby Avidreader9559 » Thu Apr 26, 2018 10:44 pm

I was a lot like that when I was a teen and into my twenties and thirties. I had to learn not to make up worse-case scenarios in my mind. If one comes to my mind, I deliberately choose not to think that. I replace my thoughts with something else like, "That is not really realistic and probably won't happen", "What would I like for dinner?", "Where can I exercise today?", "What would I like to do that would make me smile?". When I make mistakes now, which EVERYONE does at some point or another, I have to remind myself that I am human, and I will make mistakes, and it is not the end of the world. I also had to retrain myself to think positively about myself. Things like "I may need to lose weight, but I can make changes in my food choices, and I can do that." and "I have worth and I am good at things." and "Just because I am a person, I deserve what we all need: love and acceptance and happiness and friendships."

As far as the debating goes, I had to learn that no matter what anyone else's opinion is, I still have a right to mine even if we disagree. I believe now that it is okay to be different from my friends and still be friends. I know that goes against current culture, but I am healthier for it. I also know from experience that getting your thoughts out in the open helps so much. It is good to get them out of your head so that you can process them in a healthy way. In all of these examples, I had to retrain my mind to think better thoughts. It started with radical acceptance. There are some things that I can not change. One of them being the past. I make that mistake. It is over with. I don't have to make it again because I can learn from it. Those kinds of thoughts changed my life. I hope that you can find ways to deal with your thoughts, too, so that they can be better for you, and you can enjoy the great things about your life more. Blessings!!


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