first post, need someone to talk to
Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2017 7:00 pm
This is my first & will most likely be my only post on this site, so I apologise if I'm in the wrong forum. I just need someone to talk to & feel I can no longer talk to anyone in my life about what's happening to me.
To summarize my situation: I've suffered from major depressive disorder for as long as I can remember. I have never gone to a clinician (I come from a family that taught me admitting a mental health problem was admitting weakness & something to be ashamed of) but I know I am suffering from clinical, chronic depression. On a daily basis I cycle between feeling hopeless & numb to feeling outright anger at everyone around me, including my boyfriend whom I live with (with 2 of his very close friends) & whom I love deeply. He is quite honestly the only reason I haven't killed myself.
6 months ago I moved with them away from our hometown to a rural area 6 hours away from all our friends and family members. I was very hopeful then because I cited most of my depressive tendencies to being surrounded by less than desirable people. I thought if I removed myself from all distractions, I could finally break out of this haze & create art (I am a filmmaker & my boyfriend/roommates are musicians). I soon realized that this was not the case. Depression is not environmental, it would seem.
Within the past 2 months it has gotten so much worse. I believe what triggered this was my boyfriend & roommates discussing where our next move would be. I suggested somewhere on the west coast, as this would benefit both mine & their art. When they refused I brought up examples of places where I might be able to get an industry job on the east coast. They refused. They seem only to be thinking of their band. Don't get me wrong, they are all very talented, but they make it seem as if they think I am not, as if my art is somehow lesser than theirs.
I haven't had anyone to vent to because they're the only people of substance in the small rural community where we live. Whenever I bring up how I feel, they brush it off. I feel very alienated & alone, as if I'm worthless & nothing I want to do with my life matters. As if no one cares about my future.
I have been drinking by myself a lot to deal with these feelings. Last week, while I was drunk, I wrote my name in crayon on my roommate's kitchen table. The next morning my roommate (who has been my boyfriend's best friend for over 8 years) came into my room while my boyfriend & I were laying in bed & threw a dirty sponge in my face, called me trash, & threatened to "beat the living shit out of me" if I ever did it again. My boyfriend did nothing. I'm not saying that I wanted him to fight his friend, I just expected him to at least say that wasn't an appropriate response - or at least acknowledge that with me - he did nothing. I've had problems with this person in the past (I've lived with him for almost 4 years now) including a period before we moved up here where he actively tried to end my relationship. I've told my boyfriend I don't want to live with him after our lease runs out, but he seems ambivalent about the idea. He clams up & refuses to discuss it.
All this makes me succumb to feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, & has promoted suicidal ideation. For the first time I'm thinking about contacting a therapist because everyone in my life seems to think my emotions don't matter, so I suppose I should start paying someone to care about my problems.
I recently got a DUI & my boyfriend yelled at me today for being in an especially bad mood the past 8 weeks. I had to quit a job because I was experiencing panic attacks. My other job does not pay very well & jobs are scarce where I live. My boyfriend makes more money than I do yet he has continually asked me to cover him on rent/bills & he has not paid me back because he keeps buying new instruments/equipment.
I know this is disorganized & I apologize. I don't know what to do. I feel like he's going to leave me any day & I feel he may be right in doing so. I feel so hopeless & I need some advice
To summarize my situation: I've suffered from major depressive disorder for as long as I can remember. I have never gone to a clinician (I come from a family that taught me admitting a mental health problem was admitting weakness & something to be ashamed of) but I know I am suffering from clinical, chronic depression. On a daily basis I cycle between feeling hopeless & numb to feeling outright anger at everyone around me, including my boyfriend whom I live with (with 2 of his very close friends) & whom I love deeply. He is quite honestly the only reason I haven't killed myself.
6 months ago I moved with them away from our hometown to a rural area 6 hours away from all our friends and family members. I was very hopeful then because I cited most of my depressive tendencies to being surrounded by less than desirable people. I thought if I removed myself from all distractions, I could finally break out of this haze & create art (I am a filmmaker & my boyfriend/roommates are musicians). I soon realized that this was not the case. Depression is not environmental, it would seem.
Within the past 2 months it has gotten so much worse. I believe what triggered this was my boyfriend & roommates discussing where our next move would be. I suggested somewhere on the west coast, as this would benefit both mine & their art. When they refused I brought up examples of places where I might be able to get an industry job on the east coast. They refused. They seem only to be thinking of their band. Don't get me wrong, they are all very talented, but they make it seem as if they think I am not, as if my art is somehow lesser than theirs.
I haven't had anyone to vent to because they're the only people of substance in the small rural community where we live. Whenever I bring up how I feel, they brush it off. I feel very alienated & alone, as if I'm worthless & nothing I want to do with my life matters. As if no one cares about my future.
I have been drinking by myself a lot to deal with these feelings. Last week, while I was drunk, I wrote my name in crayon on my roommate's kitchen table. The next morning my roommate (who has been my boyfriend's best friend for over 8 years) came into my room while my boyfriend & I were laying in bed & threw a dirty sponge in my face, called me trash, & threatened to "beat the living shit out of me" if I ever did it again. My boyfriend did nothing. I'm not saying that I wanted him to fight his friend, I just expected him to at least say that wasn't an appropriate response - or at least acknowledge that with me - he did nothing. I've had problems with this person in the past (I've lived with him for almost 4 years now) including a period before we moved up here where he actively tried to end my relationship. I've told my boyfriend I don't want to live with him after our lease runs out, but he seems ambivalent about the idea. He clams up & refuses to discuss it.
All this makes me succumb to feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, & has promoted suicidal ideation. For the first time I'm thinking about contacting a therapist because everyone in my life seems to think my emotions don't matter, so I suppose I should start paying someone to care about my problems.
I recently got a DUI & my boyfriend yelled at me today for being in an especially bad mood the past 8 weeks. I had to quit a job because I was experiencing panic attacks. My other job does not pay very well & jobs are scarce where I live. My boyfriend makes more money than I do yet he has continually asked me to cover him on rent/bills & he has not paid me back because he keeps buying new instruments/equipment.
I know this is disorganized & I apologize. I don't know what to do. I feel like he's going to leave me any day & I feel he may be right in doing so. I feel so hopeless & I need some advice