first post, need someone to talk to

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first post, need someone to talk to

Postby urquiettoday » Sun Oct 08, 2017 7:00 pm

This is my first & will most likely be my only post on this site, so I apologise if I'm in the wrong forum. I just need someone to talk to & feel I can no longer talk to anyone in my life about what's happening to me.

To summarize my situation: I've suffered from major depressive disorder for as long as I can remember. I have never gone to a clinician (I come from a family that taught me admitting a mental health problem was admitting weakness & something to be ashamed of) but I know I am suffering from clinical, chronic depression. On a daily basis I cycle between feeling hopeless & numb to feeling outright anger at everyone around me, including my boyfriend whom I live with (with 2 of his very close friends) & whom I love deeply. He is quite honestly the only reason I haven't killed myself.

6 months ago I moved with them away from our hometown to a rural area 6 hours away from all our friends and family members. I was very hopeful then because I cited most of my depressive tendencies to being surrounded by less than desirable people. I thought if I removed myself from all distractions, I could finally break out of this haze & create art (I am a filmmaker & my boyfriend/roommates are musicians). I soon realized that this was not the case. Depression is not environmental, it would seem.

Within the past 2 months it has gotten so much worse. I believe what triggered this was my boyfriend & roommates discussing where our next move would be. I suggested somewhere on the west coast, as this would benefit both mine & their art. When they refused I brought up examples of places where I might be able to get an industry job on the east coast. They refused. They seem only to be thinking of their band. Don't get me wrong, they are all very talented, but they make it seem as if they think I am not, as if my art is somehow lesser than theirs.

I haven't had anyone to vent to because they're the only people of substance in the small rural community where we live. Whenever I bring up how I feel, they brush it off. I feel very alienated & alone, as if I'm worthless & nothing I want to do with my life matters. As if no one cares about my future.

I have been drinking by myself a lot to deal with these feelings. Last week, while I was drunk, I wrote my name in crayon on my roommate's kitchen table. The next morning my roommate (who has been my boyfriend's best friend for over 8 years) came into my room while my boyfriend & I were laying in bed & threw a dirty sponge in my face, called me trash, & threatened to "beat the living shit out of me" if I ever did it again. My boyfriend did nothing. I'm not saying that I wanted him to fight his friend, I just expected him to at least say that wasn't an appropriate response - or at least acknowledge that with me - he did nothing. I've had problems with this person in the past (I've lived with him for almost 4 years now) including a period before we moved up here where he actively tried to end my relationship. I've told my boyfriend I don't want to live with him after our lease runs out, but he seems ambivalent about the idea. He clams up & refuses to discuss it.

All this makes me succumb to feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, & has promoted suicidal ideation. For the first time I'm thinking about contacting a therapist because everyone in my life seems to think my emotions don't matter, so I suppose I should start paying someone to care about my problems.

I recently got a DUI & my boyfriend yelled at me today for being in an especially bad mood the past 8 weeks. I had to quit a job because I was experiencing panic attacks. My other job does not pay very well & jobs are scarce where I live. My boyfriend makes more money than I do yet he has continually asked me to cover him on rent/bills & he has not paid me back because he keeps buying new instruments/equipment.

I know this is disorganized & I apologize. I don't know what to do. I feel like he's going to leave me any day & I feel he may be right in doing so. I feel so hopeless & I need some advice

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Re: first post, need someone to talk to

Postby ahhope4u » Mon Oct 09, 2017 12:09 pm

I am sorry that you are struggling so- but just as depression is not solely environmental ---it is influenced by a lot of things including people and circumstances- it is wise to get a Dr. to rule out physical causes- sometimes the meds do help- but room-mates make it even more complicated- if boyfriend is serious then as a couple you should be able to address depression- and yes you must be able to accept that being seperate might be a possibility. If you have to drink to get through the day then do something good for yourself and leave- there are lots of supports that you may be able to access if you decide that leaving is a choice. Educate yourself and stick to reliable sources for information- national recognized health organization like NIMH- or state and federal health-focus on familyhas some great articles or realtionships- regardless of faith- and they also have resources for local therapists (in your area). Many Blessings

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Re: first post, need someone to talk to

Postby Trapped » Mon Oct 09, 2017 2:35 pm

Hello. What you're going through sounds very tough so i'm sorry to hear about it.

"Depression is not environmental, it would seem."

I don't know about that, from what you have described it sounds like you're in an environment with people who might be making you feel bad about yourself. If someone threw a sponge at me and threatened while my partner did nothing I'd be feeling quite depressed too.

I should clarify I don't think depression is purely environmental. Some people seem to be more susceptible to the illness unfortunately.

Your story slightly reminds me of what my gf did. We live long distance but she decided to live with me. It's what she really wanted and thought it would make her very happy. Sadly her mood dropped and she became depressed living with my family in a completely different environment. She felt pretty trapped and her life was going nowhere. In the end she realized she was better off at home and moved back. It made me a bit sad but we stuck together to this day so it was the right thing to do.

People sometimes don't know what they want in life it seems. I don't know if living with these people is he best thing. If things show no sign of improving then i would recommend going back home. Providing home is better or not.

Anyway, I probably am not being too helpful here so I'll just end it with sending you some love and hugs <3

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Re: first post, need someone to talk to

Postby Rycon33 » Mon Oct 09, 2017 6:48 pm


Depression actually can be very environmental. Sometimes the move to a new environment and all the change that comes with it, good and bad, can increase your symptoms.

Think about it like a cold. You have severe allergies so you move to a location that has less pollen. But in moving there, you get a completely new set of colds and allergies you didn't even know and suddenly you feel the same or even worse than before.

I also have had this situation. I grew up with very good parents, but overall not the most supportive environment. It was just how we were raised to be a bunch of smart alecs. So eventually I ended up going to rehab to try and find support and realized that I hated being pampered. That feeling just wasn't me. And soon I missed my old life being berrated.

My personal experience and advice is to always remember not who you are but who you want to be. Set a goal for yourself and try to stick to that picture. Always be open to adjustment. Just because the real world is difficult it doesn't mean you have to become as difficult as it is. Stay to what you know and love.

I still struggle awfully with this sometimes. Actually a lot. But it is probably the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning

Just know you are never alone in this world. Someone somewhere always has the same or similar issues. And someone somewhere has survived it. And know you can too.

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Re: first post, need someone to talk to

Postby ToGoFruit » Fri Oct 13, 2017 6:17 pm

There's no reason to apologize here--thanks for being so open and expressing your thoughts well. I want to affirm the validity in what you're experiencing. The film industry is already challenging to most, but to add a tough living situation on top of it all compounds the issues. I think you're on the right track with seeking out professional help. Sure, environmental factors play a big role in one's mental state, but there is usually something deeper that needs to be addressed as well. Does your work offer insurance that could help alleviate those costs? I want you to know this is nothing to be ashamed about despite what you've been told. These are very real issues and any stigma against them usually originates from a place of fear and lack of proud that you're reaching out and seeking advice...this takes an exorbitant amount of strength.

If you're comfortable with it, would you be able to stay with a good friend or extended family member while you sort through this? Or, are they too far? I think some distance from where you're currently living could be beneficial while you're looking to heal and figure things out. I'm so sorry you feel alienated and not's an incredibly painful place to be. The truth're extremely valuable and your self-worth is not defined by the actions of those around you, or even how you might view yourself in this moment. You are loved, pursued, and set apart for great things. You have an identity--it's beautiful, unique, and meant for no one else. Who you are is truly something special.

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