Suicide Thoughts

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Joined: Sat Jul 29, 2017 10:44 pm

Suicide Thoughts

Postby Islandgrl » Sat Jul 29, 2017 10:51 pm

Depression is a real bitch, and it's been tearing at me from the inside since I was a teenager. I've always used sleep as an escape; just letting my mind turn itself and take me on adventures and tell its own story. I don't have to be me when I'm dreaming. Or maybe I'm the real me when I'm dreaming, and that's the reason I've become so addicted to spending my free time in bed. I think I was about fifteen when my mother accused me of being on drugs for the first time when I was habitually sleeping after school.

It's becoming redundant to continue working so hard just to keep a sanctuary for me to rest. I can't remember the last time I had fun. I'm employed in food service because I don't have qualifications to do anything but deliver a beer, and being in the presence of other humans has become work. Putting on a show for everyone so that I can seem normal is exhausting. Show up on time, looking fresh. Smile. Laugh. Have sex once in a while with that boy I'm dating. I don't even enjoy his company. It's all so futile.
I've become so stuck on this existential treadmill. Thanks to societal expectations of going to school and getting a degree (which I was never able to finish, mind you), my finances are in ruins and I would be a fiscal burden to anyone that would allow me into their lives.

So what is the damned point? Is it better to continue on this path to nowhere, slowly wearing myself down to the stage where I become so despondent and unskilled in the work force that I end up living in the bushes like the crazy man by the pond? Or do I just become a hindrance to my family that cares about me? End my own life, and everyone is sad that "they wish they could have known," and I become a selfish coward. Or let it happen naturally and everyone hates me for being a lazy piece of shit, an ignorant freeloader that takes everyone for granted.

Maybe I am already at that point. Maybe the pond man tried to go to college too, carrying a full course load, paying his own living costs, food costs, maxing out his credit cards until he could only choose between studying for his Calculus exam and having dinner, or working another shift and bombing his test.

This is why I prefer sleep over reality. The dozens of times that I've been told I'm an incredible person, I'm such a hard worker, I'm so very intelligent: they're not getting me anywhere. I've accomplished everything that I am able to in this life, and I've nothing left to hope for. I'll be damned if I'm going to bring an innocent child into this world: I can hardly take care of myself. I wish that my alcoholic father and naive mother would have had the same anticipatory respect for me.

I've traveled, explored, discovered myself, examined mindsets that are completely different than my own. I hate that all of this has left me with this cynical outlook: the world is, has been, and will be a demeaning prison with rewards only for the incompetent and the unethical.
The people that run this country don't want a population of critical thinkers. "You know what they want? Obedient workers. ­ People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork but just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, reduced benefits, the end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it." George Carlin could see through it.

Cherish your happy childhood memories if you have them; the parents who put you through school and allowed you to have the stable career and beautiful family that's now yours. There are a lot of us that will never have that opportunity, and struggle just to keep a fake smile on our faces for the things that we will never experience.

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Joined: Wed Aug 02, 2017 11:04 pm

Re: Suicide Thoughts

Postby RockyRob » Wed Aug 02, 2017 11:06 pm

Hi there,

I must tell you that was one of the best well written posts I have ever read! Seriously you really hit the nail on the head on some areas that have affected my life.
I believe everyone is important to this world. We all have a purpose so it is a shame to waste that life by committing suicide. I mean I have tried before and fortunately I was able to receive great counseling. Have you thought about counseling so that you can vent?
"Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem." This is a quote I have been told several times. I would say oh people do not understand but the fact was I didn't understand my purpose. Now that I do I am doing much better. I hope you will reach out to the suicide hotline if you begin to feel like you want to hurt yourself. The link is and the phone number is 1-800-273-8255.
I sincerely hope you will reach out for help if you begin to feel that you want to end your life. YOU ARE IMPORTANT!

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Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2017 3:23 pm

Re: Suicide Thoughts

Postby ahhope4u » Mon Aug 14, 2017 4:37 pm

Are you an island girl literally or metaphorically as "no man/woman is an island complete unto his/herself"? I agree with reaching out to the hotline- counselling, and discerning your purpose, and especially that you are important. Our Creator doesn't make is a printed off poster on a dog eared, time stained paper that my counsellor gave me 20 years ago. It has a pic of a little cartoon boy kicking the dirt, with a cloud over his head, almost like LINUS off the Charlie Brown cartoons, and a very sad looking puppy. Our Creator Does Not Make Mistakes --You are unique and maybe you are here to tell your story to someone who will need to hear it- maybe it's just 1 life in the whole world-and maybe it's the whole world- the rewards are the same- you are loved- so that you may love. Reach out, counselling does not have to be long term- have you seen a Dr. about sleep disorders, be STUBBORN, you know that life is not supposed to be this way, and it's up to us to keep looking until we find the help we need. If counselling is not possible there are many church and community organizations that offer support groups, start with Al-anon, or simply women's groups. Many Blessings

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