Will it end?
Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 1:55 am
I’m not happy. I don’t know what to do. I am a junior in college and all I can think about is dropping out and never looking back. I’m so tired. I’ve always been the good student in my family, always wanted to be a physicist. Now, I don’t know what to do. I’ve felt this way since my first year in college finished. I kept thinking it would go away once I got to my physics classes but now I am here and these feelings are stronger than ever. I love physics. I love learning. I love the smile on my parents’ faces when they say, “Hey, my daughter is going to be a physicist”. For some reason the thought of walking into class sickens me. I’ve started ignoring my homework even though it drives me to tears. I get everything ready to work and I just walk away. Inwardly I am screaming to go back. It will all feel better when it’s done, but that’s only temporary. I know it is. Another assignment. Frustration. Hatred for class and myself. I should be able to do this. I can do this. I have done this, this entire time. Why? Why doesn’t it go away? It’ll leave for a time but it is always back. If I am thinking about school I am not happy. When I think of school I get violent bursts of rage and all I want to do throw things and tear apart my body. I want to hurt myself so someone will see and tell me, “It’s alright to stop. You’re going to be fine” and then I will never have to go back there. Only two years to go, it seems like forever. Will it actually end when I graduate? I was supposed to get my doctorate. I keep saying I will see where I am when I get my masters but I feel like I won’t make it. Tomorrow I will be fine. I won’t know why I was so upset. I was just venting. Then it hits again. I know it’s real but what do I do? Tomorrow I will forget again. I’ll forget how much everything hurts. I want help but how can I ask? There is nothing wrong with me. How can I think of quitting? I am so far. Everyone else can handle it. Don't disappoint everyone with your problems. There are plenty of people worse off. School is my thing. I’m the smart one…I’m the weak one. My head hurts. I can’t think. Everything is fuzzy. I feel sick. Fatigued. I’ve tried to reach for help but I feel like no one can see my pain because tomorrow I will be fine. I ask for help and then deny that I need it. I don’t know how to face it. Loser. Crybaby. You love school. You just love attention. I’ll be fine tomorrow. I just needed to vent. I know it’ll be back. I want to die but I’m scared. Too scared to do anything. Everything will be fine tomorrow and that's what scares me the most. I won't remember how I feel right now or how I have felt every other time. I don't want to forget, I want to stop, but how do I?