Will it end?

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Subject#1
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2016 1:47 am

Will it end?

Postby Subject#1 » Mon Nov 28, 2016 1:55 am

I’m not happy. I don’t know what to do. I am a junior in college and all I can think about is dropping out and never looking back. I’m so tired. I’ve always been the good student in my family, always wanted to be a physicist. Now, I don’t know what to do. I’ve felt this way since my first year in college finished. I kept thinking it would go away once I got to my physics classes but now I am here and these feelings are stronger than ever. I love physics. I love learning. I love the smile on my parents’ faces when they say, “Hey, my daughter is going to be a physicist”. For some reason the thought of walking into class sickens me. I’ve started ignoring my homework even though it drives me to tears. I get everything ready to work and I just walk away. Inwardly I am screaming to go back. It will all feel better when it’s done, but that’s only temporary. I know it is. Another assignment. Frustration. Hatred for class and myself. I should be able to do this. I can do this. I have done this, this entire time. Why? Why doesn’t it go away? It’ll leave for a time but it is always back. If I am thinking about school I am not happy. When I think of school I get violent bursts of rage and all I want to do throw things and tear apart my body. I want to hurt myself so someone will see and tell me, “It’s alright to stop. You’re going to be fine” and then I will never have to go back there. Only two years to go, it seems like forever. Will it actually end when I graduate? I was supposed to get my doctorate. I keep saying I will see where I am when I get my masters but I feel like I won’t make it. Tomorrow I will be fine. I won’t know why I was so upset. I was just venting. Then it hits again. I know it’s real but what do I do? Tomorrow I will forget again. I’ll forget how much everything hurts. I want help but how can I ask? There is nothing wrong with me. How can I think of quitting? I am so far. Everyone else can handle it. Don't disappoint everyone with your problems. There are plenty of people worse off. School is my thing. I’m the smart one…I’m the weak one. My head hurts. I can’t think. Everything is fuzzy. I feel sick. Fatigued. I’ve tried to reach for help but I feel like no one can see my pain because tomorrow I will be fine. I ask for help and then deny that I need it. I don’t know how to face it. Loser. Crybaby. You love school. You just love attention. I’ll be fine tomorrow. I just needed to vent. I know it’ll be back. I want to die but I’m scared. Too scared to do anything. Everything will be fine tomorrow and that's what scares me the most. I won't remember how I feel right now or how I have felt every other time. I don't want to forget, I want to stop, but how do I?

Helloraspberries1
Posts: 260
Joined: Wed May 25, 2016 2:11 pm

Re: Will it end?

Postby Helloraspberries1 » Mon Nov 28, 2016 12:24 pm

Hi,

It's normal what your going through in terms of school. School does stress alot of people out and know how you feel.

Your school work and family life seems to be stressing you out right now. Is that correct?

When you feel like you need to prove to people that your the best and is doing well all the time can really make you feel down and depressed. They want you to always be on top but they don't know you can't always be.

It seems your going through a situation that everyone wants the best for you. Your the one what needs to be perfect and do well. Your what makes you like that.

When you mentioned about telling yourself your a loser or you got to be the best etc it's obviously getting you in the frame of mind what everyone's been saying that you need to be 100% perfect all the time. What you need is to tell yourself you don't need to be.

Remember it's your life and it's what you want to do which is the most important thing. Don't let others get in the way of that. Maybe you need to talk to your parents and say what's going on at school and tell them how you feel. You need be honest as that's the only way they will listen.

They may not like it at first about what you want but if you let them know that this is what you wanna do and your passionate about this and this will make you happy then they will have to get use to the idea of that and maybe over time they will be happy for you.

Also it might be a good idea also to talk to your teacher who can be aware of how your school and family life is effecting you. They may go easy on you and give you more time study or even help you out with your work.

If you still feel stressed and feel like your in crisis then please seek emergency help. If it's the case of getting down and needing someone to talk to and you can't talk to your parents then you can ring the smartians as there 24 hours a day 7 days a week and listen to those who are emotional, feeling depressed or in crisis.

I hope that helps and please keep reaching out :)


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