No one cares in the real world, But I thought maybe here....

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Ashes611
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2016 3:41 pm

No one cares in the real world, But I thought maybe here....

Postby Ashes611 » Sat Nov 19, 2016 3:46 pm

What is happening……?
I don’t know what to make of all of this One minute everything is ok the next COMPLETE CHAOS!!! You know how when people say oh it's this person that person never me and it happens all the time. It has to be you…..That is me. I have been the Un-Lovable child my whole life…I was a pushed away kid then and I grew up to be a very Sad, Pathetic, Unloved Adult…I guess that’s just the cards for some people. (My mom tells a story of when I was about 4 and a half maybe 5 and an aunt and her decided I wasn’t a normal child “I was an EVIL child…That’s why I was the way I was...*Adults sat down and THOUGHT this out for a whole discussion on how I was EVIL as a CHILD!!!! That has to say something about me….)
It feels like I am in a Spiral going down and I cannot grab hold of anything the walls are slick, nothing to grab, just going, going down more and more. I told Karen and Emily my thoughts of what to do about this…*Karen is to Clinical” and Emily well Emily thinks because she’s read a few books she knows everything there is to know... Her life and a few books have MADE HER A MASTER AT LIFE!!!!! (So no help there……
But I am scared of death I don’t know why, I HAVE DONE NOTHING, NOT ONE GOOD THING MY WHOLE LIFE … But yet I am too scared to actually do it. (Too scared to feel pain for 5-15mins, too scared to just DO SOMETHING…. All I do is live in a life that all I do is hide in my room, and cry…Or if we go out sit in the truck and wait and cry...ALL I DO IS CRY....My life has been a joke since I was VERY VERY YOUNG.....) But I what’s the point on trying… I would most likely fail there to… I HAVE FAILED AT EVERYTHING THUS FAR, LIKE I SAID MY WHOLE LIFE IS A COMPLETE EPIC FAILURE……..


SO SAD and Pathetic
I do not expect anyone to understand...
I have been thinking this for a long time, since I was a kid. But I have always made up some stupid excuse to not do it or told myself "I'm a catholic I can't! This is my soul I'm risking!!!" (Stupid huh??) I have been thinking since I was a kid.... How would I do this, a gun, cut my wrists, steal mommy and daddy's pills and alcohol, where would I do this that I’ll get away with it and no one will help me or stop me, when I was a kid I always used the excuse that I was sick thinking like this.. Or I’d wish and pray that god would make me a puppy or kitty and I’d go to a good home and be loved till I died. Everyone LOVES THEIR PETS! Well MOST people do, they treat their pets very good. (But that was just a wish.*and wishes don’t come true I learned that a long long time ago... if god is real I guess he just never heard me or just knew who I was TOO WELL one or the other....)
Now that I'm older I'm more ashamed I didn't just do it... Save A LOT of time, $$, people, (I once thought if I did die.... Who would be at my funeral?? Would my mom, my Lil brother, I can't see "friends" coming...How many people would be better not ending up in my way, How many still would be alive, GOD I really have ruined everything and everyone) when I was in 9th or 10th grade a girl from school died and everyone went to her funeral.. I’ll never forget the service was 3 days and ALL 3DAYS THERE WAS A LINE OUT THE DOOR OF THE FUNERAL HOME FROM OPENING TILL CLOSE!!!! And people were still coming. People she didn’t even hang with she was just SO LOVED that everyone wanted to be there…Everyone said nothing but good things, How Smart, Fun, Pretty, Loved, How Unfair It Was She Died Too Soon!!! I've always wondered what it would be like to be loved like that.... To have everyone you met just fall in love with you and care so much...

The only good thing I have going for me is I have no children to care about leaving behind Nothing and No-One (Thank GOD for small Blessings huh)... My Lil brother Tony will be fine he will be sad I guess, hurt a little bit, but he would move on, he's a good boy he has a decent Girlfriend and A BEAUTIFUL, Sweet, Fattest, Happiest baby ever. I know he will be ok.

I just wish I knew what I did wrong?!?!? Had a Time-Machine ("I know everyone says I would do that", I want that") to go back and change SOMETHING, ANYTHING.............
Why am I hated? Why do I have no one? How did I become this???!!? I feel like the hunchback of Notre Dame remember Quasimodo?!? Lol Everyone hated and shunned him and even after all he did he still was treated bad... Dying alone to starve on a grave (of a woman, who never loved him,) ... My life has always been one big f*** up after another... No Friends, My Family can't stand me, I'm very stupid and I feel I'm too old to go back and fix it... Even if I did what will I do... I'm too stupid to do anything...
I daydream sometimes if life was like that movie with Justin Timberlake the guy gave him all "his time" he had left to Justin Timberlake’s character I wish I could trade with like a sick kid, old couple who are at the end of the road, a mother or father who's terminal, just give them my time (Poor Xenia she has had so much loss in her life and now her son is gone…. I wish there was a way I could trade with someone like that… ANYONE BUT ME DESERVES IT….I AM SURE NOT CURING CANCER…) I think it's unfair that I get to stay when I don't feel I should but babies die from cancers, elderly couples that have been together for DECADES can't get a Lil extra time with each other... Sad...I hate being this black cloud over everyone including me... Waking up every day just to ruin it, Making everyone sick, f*** everything up, in the back of my head I tell myself "today's the day"!!! "EVERYTHING IS GONNA CHANGE"!!!! "It's going to get better just wait"
I'm 35 yrs. old now and it's no better.... (I wonder if anyone else in the world feels like they are in slow motion and the whole world is going 2x the normal speed... Like everyone and everything is just Over my head passing me far up and I am still standing at start just watching….Or A grown adult and EVERYTHING you do feels like a chastised child…..Hmmm probably just me..*I highly doubt anyone is as sad a case as me…. I live in a home with a man that has me around for convenience and call me nasty names and tells me to get out when I'm not I'm just so done with being told "your filthy", "you're ugly", "I can't stand you", "stupidest mistake I made was you", "go back home to your Mother's", “Everyone Hates You”, “You're A Pig” "no one wants you”, “Go to a Homeless Shelter, “I don’t want you here”!!, "I HATE YOU"!!! “I’ll Find a New Girlfriend to Have Here I Don’t Need You”, you’re Disgusting” Take a Shower”, the calling my friends and what “family” I have to tell them Embarrassing, Hateful, Disgusting, Nastiest things you could think of….. The slaps, the kicks, the punches, things being thrown... I don't think they help...
What is left....? I'm an old whore that went home with a man and stayed.... Maybe this is god saying I deserve this, it's why it gets ok for a few days, and maybe a week and it is all over again... I ask good old mom for help I get "what do you want? You picked him deal with it! (I wish I could....) but no I'm catholic and my soul... HA I'm scared... What if I do this and I was just going to change... It was all going to let up... Or After all the Classes, Masses this is it, nothing else. No eternal peace, No Golden pearl gates with St Peter at the front. Just BLACK...OVER...THAT”S IT….HA that’s what i am worried about...I'm laughing through tears now... How stupid and pathetic I sound.... Going on and on about stupid shit...

I have no gun, I'm terrified of water(drowning is my BIGGEST FEAR!!) where would I get pills,(where would I get enough, How would I pay for that?!??) it's insane to even think I'm too stupid to kill myself if I wanted to.... I live in a city where anything high enough to jump off of won't kill me... If I cut my wrists I would end up flipping out and trying to stop… Overpass would f*** you up but I don't need broken bones I need this life to just STOP!!!! (GOD I AM TOO STUPID TO EVEN KILL MYSELF RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told my internet friends about why I have not been on the shows, and chats and whatnot… I felt so bad because these people were GENUINLY CONCERENED and they have no clue what a useless piece of shit I really am. They all think of me as a nice, encouraging (I had a girl tell me that “My support is ENCURAGING to her”) smart, good friend…*As good a internet friend could be I guess…My one Friend J.Lyfe was constantly calling me on FB calls asking “how am I” “Am I ok” “Do I want to talk” Just a great person. Then my friends on the live shows seen me and all wanted to say HI, ask where I have been was I ok, what’s up that there happy to see me ALL WERE CONCERNED and when I let someone know what was going on they all wanted me to know I was ok, I could talk to them and that they were sad to hear that was happening… NOT JUST COME OVER OR WANT TO TALK TO GET IN MY BUSINESS. OR TO PLAY SIGMUND FREUD WITH MY SHORT-COMINGS…..I was kind of happy for a min… kind of like ok I am not that bad, But once the show was over and snapped back into the real world I knew DUH EVERYONE is someone else on the internet… I have to admit it was fun for a minute just to pretend like I was a NORMAL, DECENT PERSON….Even for just a little bit…

This is what my life will be… I will get thrown out of John’s house. (Just like the counselor at pinnacle Methadone Clinic said That’s why I was so upset.. The man made my worst fear and weakness and pounced on it… And I cried like a baby and he kept going and Asking “where will you go”, “what will you do”, “have you thought of this”, “this should be a plan you can’t rely on one person forever and men get tired very quick”, “I’ve seen it time and time again… and the way your life’s going maybe sooner than later” And I was so embarrassed but knew ALL OF IT WAS TRUTH!!! That’s why I was so upset…..) I will end up first on a “Friend/Family’s” couch floor whatever, Then they will get sick of me and I’ll have to figure out How to scrape up a few $$ for one of those cheap-ass hook hotels, but that will only last so long(1-2 days MAYBE..) Then it would be homeless shelters, Warming Centers, If I could scrap a few bucks maybe YMCA… (maybe I could go to rehabs for a little while least till the cold blew over… I would most likely keep that up till I got to sick to do it and end up in a hospital to die and get buried “State Graves” JESUS THIS IS JUST TERRIBLE…Sad like a Dickens novel… only its not a BELOVED literary classic loved by many!!! It’s my real life. I honestly do not know what is wrong with me???? I have tried to be a good person, A Loving, Caring, Kind, Supportive, Giving person and it feels like I am always the butt of the joke as they say. I feel like i am just talking in circles but that's my life.1 major screw up after the other......

I just wish there was a magic pill that could fix all this, Or a time machine OR better yet I WAS NOT ME!!!! But that's impossible...So that's why IT HAS TO BE DONE!!!!!

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Walman
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2016 12:42 pm

Re: No one cares in the real world, But I thought maybe here....

Postby Walman » Mon Nov 21, 2016 2:42 pm

If only i could travel back in time and save all my friends from leaving me, mhmmmmmm, such good thoughts


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