I don't know what I'm feeling.

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Incapable
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu May 05, 2016 1:43 pm

I don't know what I'm feeling.

Postby Incapable » Thu May 05, 2016 2:06 pm

I must be numb.

I find myself driving and all I can see are my hands on the steering wheel and multiple areas to crash my car to end it all. My heart races while I beg my thoughts to silence. I can't feel a thing. Just this void filling up with questions of my existence... but why?

I'm married.

Yet, I can't feel. I just want to sit down with someone, anyone, anywhere, and talk about anything for hours. Conversations about the things that make us feel good, about the things we think about, but never say out loud. Just to connect on a deeper level. Just so I can feel something.

I'm hurt.

But I don't know what's hurting me. I don't know why my thoughts of death are so vivid. Why I need an escape. I walk among people who live their lives like it was meant to be lived. People who think I'm happy, but haven't stopped for one second to ask if I am.

What am I missing here exactly?

What is happening to me?

nenkohai2
Posts: 143
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2014 12:43 pm

Postby nenkohai2 » Thu May 05, 2016 3:50 pm

Please know, despite your tag line, you are not just another person with a problem. The Universe resides within you. Poetic, I suppose, but I believe it.

Like you, I've been in a place feeling like I'm not there. Therapy helped a lot. Some training about how to re-route my thinking has helped, too.

But it started in a place of forgiveness for me. I had to forgive myself for both real and imagined things. I had to work hard at it (and still do) to allow myself compassion FOR myself. I had to learn how to be gentle with myself.

Go slow. Allow yourself grace. Or even just mental and emotional space.

Welcome here. Let us know how you're doing.

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Wed May 11, 2016 9:49 am

Incapable,

I've been posting on this site for two years. When I started I felt like you, and writing here gave me a sense of mission ... essentially I realized I wasn't alone, just like the motto, and from there I got better. When you start to feel better you find more immediate things to fill your time.

I had a relapse, and approached the problem a little different. To Nenkohai2's point I was able to make a kind of peace with myself.

I haven't posted on here for a week or so I guess, and every day I feel a little guilty about it. But what I've noticed is that people come and go, I think that it is hard to be here and be reminded (triggered) by the same feelings all the time.

So please, let us know what things you're trying to do to get better. They provide guideposts for others. I need to make a collection of links ... If you read a lot of the old posts on here you can see "lighthouses" that help get ships back on course. Let us know how it's going ... you are not alone. Even if you are not a "lighthouse" your posts are like a ship's wake, and you are helping others.


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