Just had to say this to someone

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68mherbm
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 1:54 am

Just had to say this to someone

Postby 68mherbm » Mon May 02, 2016 2:00 am

There is nothing I look forward to anymore.
Nothing left I want to see, do, or experience.
Music, books, movies? Meh. I can't bring myself to read any more. I hate almost every new song I hear. I never go to the movies anymore. I just watch the same movies and listen to the same songs over and over again.
Travel? Meh. I've been fortunate I suppose in that in only 30 years, I've been so many places. All over the US. The middle east, uk, and the Caribbean. I hate flying anymore. It's always such a miserable experience. Driving still doesn't bother me. Grand Canyon and redwood forest would be nice I guess, but then what? To what end? To what end?
Babies? I'm actually and amazingly almost to 100% "hell no" on babies. I've always (said I've) wanted kids. Lots of them. No longer. Why would I? Bring life into this world that just gets shittier every day to a dad that's probably still just gonna off himself in the end anyway and f*** them up even further? No thanks. I've f***** up enough lives.
Nieces? Nephews? Sisters? Parents? The latter two were the only reasons (especially my mother) why I didn't leave as a teenager. But now, you know what? I think it should be totally reasonable to expect them to move on. They live their own lives without me most of the time anyway. Would it be sad? Of course. Would they get over it entirely? Probably not. Could they move forward easily enough and live happily fulfilling lives without me? I truly truly hope so. Is it selfish? I guess in the end it is. I find it much easier these days to forgive those who took their own lives now that I've glimpsed what their misery must truly have been. I guess the best I could hope for from my family is that they never understand. I don't want forgiveness. I'm not even remotely asking for it. Permission would be nice, but that's so unfair to ask for. Forgive and forget? No. Just forget. Do your best to forget me.
Then there's my wife. The most beautiful creature I've ever seen, and the most unlucky. Why did she fall in love with me? How unfair is the world that someone so amazing and precious and sensitive and strong and generous and delicate would be prey to such a helpless love as this? She loves me so much. And I her. Don't misunderstand that. My love for her is my largest motivation for leaving. Pardon the cheapness, but I'm just not good enough for her. Not even close. Light years from it, in fact. I spend most of my time wallowing in pity, though I wouldn't classify it as self-pity. Rather, it is her that I pity, and myself that I hate. I don't feel bad for me. Not even a little bit. I have no major medical problems. A loving, supportive family. Reasonable intelligence. I'm not ugly or mistreated or living in poverty. I'm just done. Done with me. Done with being in the way. 10 years though. 10 years with the most amazing woman alive. How can this be a way to repay her for her time and sacrifices for us? Her kindness and care? All the times she laughed at my shitty jokes? All the times she was always there for me as my only friend in the world? All the sex and f****** and love-making and the fact that she was always enthused by all three? How bout all the times she smiled when I said I loved her? How about all the games we've played? Oh not to mention all the money! This is the second time since we've been married that I've been unemployed for +/-1 year. She's always been the bread winner. Which is fine. She bought this house. She bought me a car. Have I made enough money to do things for her too? Of course. But all the money I've ever spent has either been on me or on her. Her spending has always been on US. None of this is about who's paid for what or debts owed or any of that superficial nonsense, it is to simply illustrate how much absolute investment -time, money, energy, love- she's made in this marriage. In me. I guess if you look at it like that - an investment - my leaving would be a tough loss to swallow. It completely negates every single thing she did throughout her entire 20s. Tough to swallow, but not impossible to overcome.
So the question was, "How can this be a way to repay her for her time and sacrifices for us?" The answer is because it's not going to get any better. Not with me. Really if you you look at it objectively, it never WAS good with me. Yes, we share something that noone else maybe ever has. That's the unfair part. Maybe the yang to that yin is that it can't last. I dunno. Our love is wholesome and sweet and beautiful and true, but my misery is strong, relentlessly permeating everything in my life. I cannot bear to see her become any more miserable than she already has. I just need to get out of the way. It's awful, it's unfair, but from where I sit, starting over is the best chance she'll have at living a happy life. Since I've known her, I've only ever wanted one thing: for her to be happy. I cannot provide that any longer. Could I do other things? Sure. I can do anything you want me to do. I can clean the house and rub her shoulders and say all the little sweet nothings that make her smile. Hell, I can even get a job, bring in a shitty paycheck and still do all those things even with a smile on my face. But it won't be real. And the misery is strong. Ever permeating. And she'll know it. Somehow, she'll feel it. And it won't be happy. Not up to my standards of how happy this princess ought to be. So how do I best leave? Clean cut, no warning? Methodical, tying up what loose ends I can? I'm afraid part of the problem is very little is in my control. I don't want to saddle her with more debt than I already have. Losing my job, I lost my life insurance policy. But to get those things back and make sure she's financially secure enough to have time to figure out how to move forward in her new life without me would require time. And time is something of hers I've already wrongfully monopolized.
I don't know who you are or why you care, but thanks for reading. I don't have friends, and can't talk to family about this. They'll just make it worse. I needed to say these things. It's very lonely in here. If I make the decision to expedite my departure, I just hope she knows somewhere in her heart that I did it because I love her. Literally more than life itself.
-M

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Mon May 02, 2016 9:57 am

Lots of binary (Either/Or, This or That) thinking in there.

I recommend a pastor or a therapist.


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