Losing my sense of control

[i_dont_know]

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place, but I need to get this out of my system and simply writing in a journal doesn't work. I need to know someone out there will read this. I don't need any replies; I just need to express my ailments in a public place.

I was starting to get better at dealing with my depression, but then what I now refer to as the worst moment in my life happened. In hindsight it doesn't seem that bad at all, but for me personally it was awful.
My mom and my step dad had one of their really bad fights again and he broke her laptop and kept throwing the broken thing around and they both kept screaming. They did all this in front of my 3 year old little (half) sister which in the long run will screw her up psychologically beyond measure. So I got fed up and went down stairs to get my sister away and I couldn't keep it in any longer so I screamed at them to shut up, but they only had these glassy expressions and continued their screaming. I left my sister with my brother since he usually has a really calm energy about him and I was just trying to keep my sister calm and trying to make her feel safe.
After a few minutes my step dad came upstairs to get my little sister, claiming he was calm and they were done screaming, but he was clearly not calm and only tried getting my sister to prove he isn't the one at fault and that he isn't scaring her (he was scaring her, she didn't want to leave my brother's arms, she clinged onto him). So I went over to my brother's room because I didn't want my brother to say anything to my step dad because I'm scared he might hurt my brother. He is a really big guy and my brother is one of those naturally skinny lean guys. I asked my step dad if he was sure, if they were really done screaming, and maybe he should leave my sister alone while he calms down. Then it happened; the moment I felt all my progress slip away. Never in my life have I felt so powerless as I did in that moment. He grabbed my arms and started shaking me around and screaming at me. And I'm not exactly the biggest person around. Compared to him I'm a twig. I blocked out most of what he screamed at me, but I can never forget the anger in his eyes.
He made me feel useless and weak. I wanted to leave so badly; I had a draft mail saved and ready to send to my real dad asking him to buy me an air ticket out of there, but I felt too guilty and scared towards my mother to send it. And the longer I waited the more I thought about it. Since those horrible few seconds stripped me of my confidence and sense of self worth I doubted everything and started having these thoughts of "my dad probably doesn't want me around, I'll just be a burden." And I know that's not true, but at that moment I couldn't imagine anyone would ever care about someone as weak and pathetic as me.
I no longer feel safe. I sleep with my door locked and I refuse to be without my night gown, it's like a security blanket to me, some night I even sleep in it despite it being summer here. I also can't sleep without my taser next to me. I hate how far back I've slipped.

I know what I should do; I should leave and live with my dad, but I'm scared and confused. The idea of such drastic change sends me into a panic. Living with my dad is exactly what I want, but a year ago when I broached this subject I got screamed at and told how selfish I am and these absurd thoughts are all because I have the wrong friends influencing me badly. I really don't have the strength to sit and listed to my mom and my brother break me down for deviating from their thought pattern.

Sorry for droning on and on. I feel like I went off track a couple of times. I'm not used to sharing any of this so it's all coming out a bit chaotic.

[100footpole]

Thank you for writing and sharing.

This Christmas an old friend who has married a professor of Anthropology came and visited. She said that she teaches Anthropology and Sociology and in Sociology she used to ask her students to apply some of the concepts from Sociology to their lives.

Before I go on, I need to say that her life has been much harder than mine. She also had abusive parents, she took care of them when they were ready to pass. She is now caring for a relative whose strokes were mis-diagnosed as alcoholism and who is now on disability.

She said that she had to quit using this assignment because she didn't have the emotional or financial resources to help. There are people, like all of us on here, who want the best for you. Many of us can tell you that you may not get the help you need. For instance, leaving your siblings to be with your father can leave you with survivor's guilt that can haunt you, maybe even more than therapy can help. I know that I have drawn lines in my life that cause me pain on a daily basis, but less pain than if I crossed them.

You are right that journaling is a great way to document your ideas, but for me it is not a good way to address them creatively. It helps to know that someone else is reading. A theme that you find in here is that the answer is within you. You need faith is something immutable that makes sense for you, and then you can act as that faith shows you. There is a book online called "Man's Search For Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. Frankl writes about that something immutable as a sense of mission. He went through stuff worse than most of us, and made his meaning to bear witness.

Please let us know how you are doing ... in the OK parts as well as the bad parts. Hugs.

[i_dont_know]

Thank you so much for your response, I appreciate it. I do need to learn how to draw some lines in my life. I know very, very basic things about Frankl and I remember finding it intriguing so I will be sure to look up his book.
Again, thanks for your helpful thoughts =)

[100footpole]

The hard part for meaning is reconciling it to reality.

I find that when my meaning is not reconciled with my reality - When I am unappreciated - my actions lose a meaningful context. Talk therapy can be helpful in that it allows you to practice your communication, and to determine which relationships are healthy and which are poisonous. If you are unlucky than it is the therapy that is poisonous ... but change is hard isn't it?

There are people who want to help you. Your mission, if you decided to accept it, is to find those people. The saddest part of that mission is that the only person you are guaranteed to complete that mission with is yourself. I have made decisions that have alienated me from people I cared about, but those people continued on paths that were intolerable and unhealthy. I am not a shining example of mental health, but I am a work in progress in a way that I know is positive.

Please let us know how things are going with you.