Awash

[nenkohai2]

We had come so far and it seems it was burnt to the ground when he lost his temper. Not at me - at a highly unjust event. Of course he had the right to be angry, even very angry. But the level of anger scared me a lot. The things he said made my insides turn black and cold.

And I admit, I am a very sensitive person despite stereotypes of age and gender (51, male). I started to cry - hard. I love you so much, I'd give my life for you, I told him (my son). I absorbed so much of his raw emotion it overwhelmed me. It overwhelms me now. Trying.

I want to sleep. So tired. I want to help him, and I am trying. Trying.

I hope something shifts for the better. It could get worse. but "worse" means jail-time. I'm on meds. He is, too. Of course it helps, but it isn't a panacea. I want to help. I want to hide. I mutter things to myself as a course of comfort. I have PTSD - I would never say to him its a result of these episodes. I just need quiet and calm. IDK IDK

Wish so many things. Healing. Peace. For him. for him. I want to take it away from him, but he's a legal adult now. I can't just hold him and when I let go, things are better. It kills me to see him in such pain. I wish I wish.

I pray and meditate for him, about him. Will stop writing now... just writing/mumbling now. Please. PLease