I See It

[nenkohai2]

I see it and know where it comes from. It starts out as damaged self-worth. And it degrades from there. You begin to feel as if you could actually protect other people from you by not being there. Its not a feeling of "good by cruel world..." "you've treated me like shit, so I'm going..."

It isn't that at all.

It's "I'm relieving the world of all the damage I've done to it and am doing to it." Yes, it kinda is a weird twisted perverted altruism. But it comes out of hopelessness; a desolation of spirit. A realization of knowing what you try to give is more damaging to others than it is something of good.

I'm not saying this line of thinking is rational. I'm just saying that I get it.

It comes down to statements/thoughts of "I can not allow myself to do any more damage. I can not allow myself to be the source of any more pain."

It's there that danger starts to surface.

I see the gate to that place. I've found myself with my hand on that gate with a will to open it. I get pulled back. Many times now. But I approach it again.

I'm not looking for help. I've GOT help. It's just that I know the mechanism. I see and feel how it works.