Maybe there's a break. Maybe Time to Talk. IDK

[nenkohai2]

It's happened a couple times now in the last few months.

I dreamt of you. We spoke. I told you that maybe we can talk now. I suppose that something deep inside is saying it might be safe to do that now.

Except I walked a little ways away and put my feet in the warm water at the beach. And I felt sad. You came and put your hands on me. Nothing bad. Nothing sexual. Just to comfort. It was nice.

But, my waking mind is torn-up by it. I don't know why.

Well, maybe because of the anger I expressed in previous notes here.

I wish "my" depression didn't engage with the feelings. I am fighting it off as best I can. My heart sinks. I still struggle with feelings of losing you and the need to be fully and completely away from you. Even now... after almost 3 years.

Even so. Even after anger and hurt. Rage. Depression and blackness, I can still feel tenderness towards you. I don't understand myself.

I feel a push AND a pull.

Weakness, maybe. But, I've not been so weak that I've made contact with you. I think we both know that can never happen.

Empty. Sad.

Wish I understood it.