Does it really get better?

[jazzy]

I'm new here, and honestly this is the last thing I can think that may help me. Even though I doubt anyone will read this because we are all dealing with our own issues, but I need help and I have no one to turn to. I suffer from both severe anxiety and severe depression, I was diagnosed by multiple doctors when I was 17 and now four years later, after medication and therapy I have managed to get my anxiety under control, but my depression runs as rampant as ever and with no signs of ever leaving me.

The worst part is, I have no reason to be so depressed. I was never assaulted, abused or neglected. There is no childhood trauma in my past and no major event like the death of a loved one that would attribute to the way I feel. I had a decent childhood, my parents loved me and while we were and still are "low income" my parents worked hard and taught me to work hard. I was bullied all through school but nothing severe, I didn't have any friends until I was 10 years old. I remember spending my school days alone, wandering the school fields during breaks while all the other kids played together. My friends never last long, I have never had a best friend or significant other, no one has ever stuck around me long enough to get close enough for me to tell them how I am feeling. People tend to flock to me, as I said I had severe anxiety so I never approached anyone, once in middle school people would invite me into their groups or conversations, seemingly nice, but it would turn out they wanted me there simply so they had someone they could pick on. I became accustomed to this and believed this is what friendship was. Every "friend" I have ever had turned to me to fix their problems, which I don't mind as I enjoy helping people, as soon as their problem is fixed I stopped existing. Or as soon as someone better comes along I cease to exist. This has happened with every friend I have ever had, as soon as they meet someone they cut me out of their life completely. It is currently happening to me now, my close friend of almost 2 years, got a boyfriend last November and this year decided he was the only thing that mattered and started ignoring me completely, or not bothering to keep plans with me at all and not even contacting me to cancel. I simply cease to exist.

Maybe it is years of people treating me like I don't matter that has lead me to believe I am completely worthless. But I do not remember a time I did not feel this way. I am in constant mental agony, I cry myself to sleep every night in an attempt to elevate the pain, I pull my own hair out and rip/chew the skin off my fingers and I cannot stop it. I suffer from EDNOS, since going on medication to treat my depression and anxiety made me gain 20 pounds. I hate everything about myself. I want to get better, I want to be happy, I have no idea what it feels like to be happy. I have never been able to figure out my triggers, most days I wake up and immediately feel like dying, just so I can stop hurting. Some days I wake up normal, and the smallest thing will set me back, like I can't find my pen or something stupid.

I am very good at hiding it. I am the 'funny' friend. I am constantly trying and succeeding to make people laugh. If I killed myself tomorrow, 99 percent of people I know would be completely shocked. I need someone to talk to so badly I have turned to a forum, desperate for a friendship from someone who has been through this, the constant feeling of emptiness, that not even the things you one loved can fill. The constant feeling of worthlessness that eats you up constantly until you cannot stand it. I have held on this long because people keep saying 'it gets better.' Does it really ever get better? Or do people just like to say that to keep you here, alive. From what I can tell real depression doesn't ever seem to go away, and I doubt I can take another week of this let alone another decade or more.

I guess I don't have a real reason for being here other then a last ditch effort to get the help no one else has been able to offer. I have tried medication and therapy, all sorts of distraction techniques, yoga, meditation, music, writing....but what I really need is someone else to go through this with me, to help me every step of the way, a real friend or soul mate, someone to see past the humor and smiling exterior and see the horrible pain inside, and be okay with it. Do people like that exist? I don't know, I live in such a small town I doubt I'll ever find anyone.

If anyone has a similar story, or just feels like talking go ahead and respond. Even if you don't think it's helpful I just want to hear what you have to say, any human interaction is appreciated.

[Ieris]

Hello Jazzy,

Thank you for sharing your story.

You'll be surprised how many people feel the way you do but put on a front to disguise it just to fit in with everyone else. I find that sometimes it's the people who seem the happiest on the outside are the most depressed on the inside. It's like constant acting until the curtains are drawn and you're all alone that the clown face comes off. Well the party is over, you don't need to pretend and entertain people anymore, don't waste your energy. What can you do for yourself that would improve your life immensely? What do you enjoy doing?

It's actually almost 4am where I am so need to head to bed but will finish the rest of my post tomorrow ^_^

x

[M82683]

i don't even know whether things will get any better than now just keep holding on, i guess. holding on to what, i'm not really sure...

[100footpole]

We don't know if things will get better than now.

I went 48 hours without internet ... and it felt like 72 .

A lot of my positive energy has disappeared, I'm going to have family visiting soon and I'm worried that I'll lose my temper because "Nothing changes". That said this season I am trying to be the change. I am going to try to not drink, and if I do drink to try to make each drink my last. In order not to obsess on the past I am trying to think of "What haven't I tried?" and if any of those things work out I am going to celebrate that success. I am going to count the successes and use my failures as signposts and guardrails to show me the right direction.

There is lots of wisdom in cliches ... and I'm going to try to look at all of them with fresh eyes

[inthewind]

Hi Jazzy,

It struck me that you said that you do not have any reason to be depressed. I imagine that this invokes guilt, but it shouldn't. Rest assured that depression does not have to have a reason, it just is, sometimes. It's an illness that we can get under control with the right meds, therapists, doctors, etc. I know this because I've been better, then sometimes get worse, without any circumstance to trigger it.

Just wanted to let you know that you've been heard and hope that you stay on the forum.