Depressed and alone. Need your opinion.

[Nerf_Life]

Before you read this be prepared, because it is heavy shit. All I would like is opinions and if you can relate to me it would be helpful to pm me or help me understand that there is a way out of this. If you are uncomfortable and edgy already I suggest you stop reading HERE. So I just got done with a big sit down meeting with my big family of seven. Meeting was held because my parentals went to see a therapist and recommended this meeting. Mom and Dad and three brothers, one sister. They all have been affected by what they have witness me perform and react to my nervous breakdown. My mom encouraged me to move on, can't change the past. My little brother wondered why I thought the way I did back then, he doesn't understand. My middle brother wasn't affected by it at all because the night it happened he was going to prom and he avoided me when I was on the haldol, a sleep tranquilizer. He doesn't really want to talk about it much either because he is living high in life and dealing with it would only bring him down. My Dad had some words to say, but nothing I already haven't been told already about. My older brother was on the speaker phone during the meeting and he said I need to stop being a hermit and do what humans are meant for to socialize and thrive on life. The worst was my youngest sister, she didn't have anything to say at all, she was there, along with my Mom when I spoke of committing suicide. She also said she doesn't really care about school now all of a sudden. I think generally everyone in the family took a hit, some worse than others, but everyone got hit. They want me back to the way I was because who I am now is scary and terrifying. They like the fact that I don't have the thoughts of suicide now and appear to be laughing and crying which are good signs of recovery. And that I can still keep parts of me that were unique and good, but must forget the past because I can't reverse time. What happened happened and I need to accept that and move on. Everything is harder for me now, my Mother is being optimistic and can't wait for me to get off all these meds I am taking. Seroquel and Trazidone for sleep. Prednisone and Buprophin for the morning. The sooner off the medication, when I am stable or ready enough, will be a good sign of heavy recovery. That's all I have to say about that. A good line from Forrest Gump. I would also like everyone reading this to know that all throughout life I was always quiet and empathetic for others. Now I am spewing information and can barely take care of myself lately, hoping that it will be cured over night. But have been told it takes time. My Mom thinks it will take one year. I think it might take six years, because that's how long I kept all my medical problems in the back of my mind, not caring about them. Now I do care and want to help and do it on my own, but is even more exhausting than it once was before. I need to change soon because I am twenty-two, still live at home, and am sucking on my dad's health insurance for medical. I am big gamer and always loved them because they were an altered reality and now all of this happened, making me lose interest everything I do, but continue to fight everyday, hoping it will get better soon, just takes a long time for the meds and therapy to know when it is helping or not. I also have realized that I was thinking irrational and had distorted thoughts. But this whole thing has changed how I view and perform life and not sure how much longer I can take of this hell I am living. I wish I could turn back time.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hi there Nerf_Life.

I like your quote " There is only one me." and you are right there is. We are all special and unique in our own way. I hope with all my heart you get to be as happy as you can be someday. You deserve the best life can offer. Think of all the awesome things you can do and see and even feel in life once you don't have that horrible weight on your shoulders anymore. You can do anything !! And be anything !!

You can't turn back time but you can make your future the best it can be. I believe in you. Please hang in there. Don't ever , ever give up.