Different shades of grey

[TurtleRock]

Hello, Again.

I after 8 years decided that if I was going to move forward I would try and accept that medication is the only reasonable chance I'm going to have to get what I personally feel is an acceptable handle on my ADD - Yes I said ADD. So why am I here again ?

Well I've long grappled with existential & clinical depression. It has been suggested that I exhibit signs of mania but from my own research the symptoms are not consistent nor frequent enough, They do match up with hyperactivity in adults so right back on topic.

I've been ghosting an ADD forum and I feel a strong connection with the people there or at least there thoughts & experiences. This gave me a surge of energy an "I'm gonna fix this like a BOSS" moment after finally getting over my super human ability to procrastinate I got a referral to a specialist in ADD, After a lengthy assessment he informed me I'm ADD-Combined or still ADHD.

Moving on so I informed him despite my history of medication and all the reasons I have to never try them again I'm willing to try even if it just gives me 20% more control over myself that would be worth it.

The catch was he also scored where I fall on a depression index?? Why does this matter I already admitted to him yeah I'm not a happy person never have been so? Well he won't prescribe medication's for ADD because I scored in the "severely depressed range" and study's have found stimulant medications often increase the risk for suicide.

So logical reason to be upset by this I admit but that's not what's bothering me, IF someone asked me how I was doing I would say "Mildly Depressed" because on the scale of where I am today - Where I was ten years ago I'd rate myself as doing pretty well.

I'm just feeling really F***ing confused at the moment. If I submit to trying anti depressant I fear the "crash" I can push myself to try an rationalize the various things going on past/present that contribute to the hurt inside but it takes a lot of energy and I only have so much then I crash. This leaves me in a not so good place.

My train of thought has gone off the rails now. I've come to accept I don't fit in that vast majority of social groups still doesn't stop me from feeling isolated as all frak. I admit to termination thinking but its more of a "I'm just really tired the energy I put forth for so little gain" but I feel in control as opposed to when I feel myself just falling off the metaphorical cliff its like I'm asleep at the wheel and my default reaction is to self terminate.

I think that concludes me ranting thought process I feel... empty now but that's a relatively safe place for me because I don't feel pain either. I just don't know where I'm going or why any more.

Can't finish on a negative note so I will state for the record that even though I spend 99% of the time ghosting this forum it gives me a small sense of kinship to read your struggles & more importantly your moments of success no matter how small as they help me remember that there are moments in my life that actually make me smile instead of crying. Just not enough of them.

umm cheers I guess