I don't know what to do anymore

[Jacob]

I don't really know what to do anymore... I had my first panic attack in my second year of college and it was crippling. For the past 3 years I've been on and off medication, tried to kill myself, and suffered almost continually from panic attacks. This is new though, and I don't really know how to deal with it anymore. I forced myself through school and got my credentials because I was so positive once all that stress and fear was past me I'd be okay... I remember the very day I had my first attack, and up until that I was normal. So I held hope that once I finished school they would go away, but they haven't, in fact they're worse. This is different though because I have nothing to guide me through. I worked so hard to get this job and I absolutely hate it. In fact, my entire outlook on this industry is now damaged badly because I see how much I hate what I was trained for even if I can get out of this company and into another. It's not like I haven't given them a fair shot either. I'm almost a year into this job. So the big question that cycles in my head now, is what's the point of any of this? Everything just seems so bleak and pointless. My career possibilities look very depressing and I have nothing else that I want to do except one thing, but a health problem prevents me from ever doing it I think... I can never be with anyone ever either, and I wouldn't until I fixed whatever is wrong with me. I tried to use people to help me feel normal and not panic. Sex helped, but it was covering a wound with cloth... The blood just soaks through and derails the relationship even with the help that sex had. Idk... I think I missed the development stage in life where you learn your social skills and I can't hold a friendship for more than a couple months, let alone a relationship. Now I just cling to my family and try and get as close to them as I can for some kind of warmth. I just... Don't know what I'm supposed to do in life. I logged onto the public chat and just felt panicked looking at people typing "hugs" and all that, and didn't want the pressure of someone asking me anything if I wrote something in real time messaging. Idk. I'm off my anti depressants again. I've gained so much weight just eating for the sake of eating. I envy those people that go through life without panicking so much. I'd trade almost anything to be indifferent to my surroundings. Not even happy, just indifferent.

[Frame]

I'm not one to usually speak of a guiding star (or a guiding anything for that matter). But reading your post leads me to realize how I've always been without one. I've always lacked a core pursuit; something I've always trusted to be the right and correct direction in which to lead my life.

The trajectory of my life resembles one of those dances a honey bee does that leads the other bees to the best flowers. Accept, I haven't actually found the best flowers. I guess it's clear, Jacob, that since your not indifferent or content, that must be searching for something. And if your like me, that search has distracted you from finding other things, like social skills.

Does that seem right to you?

[4EverMe]

Hi Jacob,
I totally relate and I feel your pain and frustration.
I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder quite a few years ago. Medication (Xanax) is the only thing that helps, but I still have a hard time when it comes to leaving the house.
My first panic attack assaulted me in my mid 20's. All I was doing was walking to work one day. Suddenly, I began hyperventilating, and was clueless as to what was happening. Awful...that feeling like you're going to explode inside. I'm sorry you deal with this too.

There's something that can help slow a panic attack, and at times, can aid in putting a stop to it. That is to flow with it, rather than fight it. Resisting only makes us hyperventilate all the more.

Do you have any idea why it started? Was it feeling awkward in crowded social situations?