My Journal (Triggering Material)

[CrazyLady17]

Well where do I begin pft...
All started 17 years ago when my mum gave birth to me I suppose, I had such a good childhood up-bringing and wouldn't change that for the world, until I beams a teen and that's when everything started to go horribly wrong and tragic things started to happen... Ever since I bed a teen I felt so depressed and suicidal and just wanting things to be different but couldn't change anything that had happened(which sucks really). I haven't told anyone all this, and that it's about time I wrote it down and let people know how much I am struggling and how much I am hurting inside and dying inside too...

Just recently though I have become more and more depressed and suicidal and have become more and more distressed and just wanting it all to change or all to end. I feel like my world has fallen apart yes, and I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore yes. Sucks of course I know!!
I wish I had a family who love me, who are for me and parents who would support me, but no I have to do all this alone and it's hard. It's hard when I feel so low and depressed and all I need is some guidance and support, but I know I won't be getting any of that anytime soon.
I really don't know why I bother anymore honestly.

This is only half of it.
Will explain more later on.

Off to the homeless sheleter for a whole day today- oh lovely.
Wish me luck aha.

I feel like I am at my breaking point.
Feel like I am having a mental breaks won and meltdown.
Feel like I can't take anymore.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today hasn't gone so well at all, ended up at the hospital as I passed out and had three panic attacks while being at the homeless shelter- oh lovely NOT! Now back home resting up and feel so poorly and feeling quite low this evening... Getting near to Christmas and actually not looking forward to it this year and just wanting this Christmas miracle to happen and make everything better(but I know that's so impossible)!
My life seems to be getting worse and worse- as the days go on and the weeks go on etc....

I feel so isolated and feel so unwanted by so many people who are supposed to be my "friends and family", they have mostly all turned againist me and left to suffer and left me to hurt all by myself and I can't do this alone. It's all too much to handle and bare.
Feel like I have nothing to live for and feel like I am just wasting my time in this world, when I my brain is telling me to just die!! What's up with me?

I guess all I need is some reassurance and some support and hugs.
I do deserve that.... Don't i?
I am NOT a bad person you know? Not like everyone says I am, I am a monster though

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well yesterday was a horrible day- but something did come good out of it all and that was I got to see my baby cousin for the very first time since he was born and it made me smile and made me a little better than I was.
Made me realise I can't wait to become a mummy and be able to love and treasure my little baby. But I am also so so scared to become a single parent and things .. Is it suppose to be this scary?

Today I am feeling a little better than yesterday- but also feeling down and depressed and plan to stay in bed all day today as I am so drained from working at the shelter nearly all week..
Back again tomorrow though argh.
I just feel like sleeping, sleeping and not waking back up.
Is that normal?

Is it normal to have a diary at my age?
I feel strange.
I feel useless.
I feel so hopeless and lifeless.
What's wrong with me?

Thank you for listening.

[Frame]

A diary used to be normal for everyone. These days it's normal for few.

It's among the best things you can do for yourself; forming thoughts on paper, free thinking, recording your life. It's only the most productive people that do it any more.

So in that you are among the best (How do you like that?). See, I know you have so much potential.

[CrazyLady17]

Hmm suppose so.
I thought I would start a diary here and let everyone on here follow my jounery way though my depression and things.
Does that sound silly to you Frame? Because to me it sounds like a good way to maybe start a new life for myself..

Yes you do indeed- and thank you for that.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today started off alright and then this afternoon got rushed into hospital as I was loosing blood and got concerned about the baby. So now waiting on blood test results and waiting on having a scan to make sure the baby is okay and healthy. Neve been so scared and upset before; just hoping everything is alright or I think I will be at breaking point again.

See what I mean now?...
Things start to look up for me and them BOOM!! Something horrible happens and my moods and depression starts badly all over again. It's like a visus circle that can't be broken.

Thank you for listening.

[windsong]

Can't say a lot of people do a diary any more. However a lot of people do blogs. And there are blogs associated with this site. You might want to check them out some time. Might be another useful tool for you in your road to recovery.

StarsFallToo

[CrazyLady17]

Oh okay...
Well a diary helps me- does that matter to anyone on this site? If it does I'll delete this thread? (Don't want to though)

Okay thank you for letting me know. How can I find the blogs on here?

[Frame]

The diaries of the past, I was referring to, are actually private. Generally, the author was the only one to write or read. News papers were the public logs of the past.

As Stars says, blogs are the more popular type of public notebook.

[CrazyLady17]

Oh okay. Thank you Frame!
Ah okay... Well like I said in my other post; writing a diary helps me though? I mean it helps me share my feelings and experiences a whole lot better. Does that make sense?

[windsong]

Hi. You don't have to delete this thread. That wasn't what I was trying to say. Just thought it might be helpful to know there are others that do pretty much the same thing, only instead of a diary it's a blog. It's more set up for that, so it's easier for things or people to be paid attention too. If you want to check them out on the top of the screen there is place that says Blogs clicking there will take you to the blogs people have on this site. It might be just as helpful to try to do a blog. And the blog might get more people to read it, because people like reading each other's blogs while a diary can seem to personal.

StarsFallToo

[CrazyLady17]

Right okay- thank you for telling me that. Will check that out later on when I am home from the hospital and have more free time on my hands.
I do see what you mean by that yes, but I still like the sound of a diary and to me it helps. And okay thank you, I won't delete it.

Thank you again.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today hasn't ended so well after all....
Ended up at the hospital after loosing some blood and find out I am carrying twins(well was).... Miscarried one of the twins while being the in hospital, but now home and resting up as I was fine to come home as long as I rest and take it easy for a day or two...
So now lying in bed trying to sleep, but can't get to sleep as all I can think about is this miscarriage and about how it's possible I could loose this baby as well. Scares me and makes me cry a lot.

Hoping tomorrow will be a little better for me. Back at the homeless shelter tomorrow and hoping I have no slip ups tomorrow.
Just wanting 2014 to hurry up now, 2013 has been so horrible and tragic for me.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today is another day at the homeless shelter- lets just hope today I have no slip ups or anything bad happens!
Got to take it extre careful and easy and steady as most know I did miscarry one of the twins yesterday and I am very fragile at the moment and grieving a lot and for a lot of people at the moment. Oh lovely. NOT

It's 8 days till Christmas and I am starting to get really down and panicky about Christmas now as I am not spending it at home this year and not spending it with my family, instead spending my day at the homeless shelter, helping them instead of enjoying myself. Oh how lovely that is!
I feel so hopeless again- my head is a complete mess and can't think straight at all, feel so lonely and feel so depressed.
Will I ever find a way to recover from my depression?

At this stage of my depression; probably not. And that hurts so much.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today was a little up and down for me, went to the homeless shelter and did some activities with the homeless women and got them some food(which made me feel proud as I am doing a good thing)!
However ended up feeling so sick and comin home early to go to bed and rest after yesterday's miscarriage and feeling so weak and drained and also passed out and throw up everywhere ewww!!

Was feeling bad earlier on too! But now after a little sleep I feel a little better and re-freshed, but still feel hurt, drained and low and depressed and still got a few bad thoughts within my head. Oh dear

Thankyou for listening.