My Journal (Triggering Material)

[CrazyLady17]

Well.....
It's finally 2014 hmm.... Let's hope this year brings me some hope eh?!!
Watched the fireworks on the tv over London eye, so wishing I was there they are such amazing and beautiful fireworks!!!
Brought a right smile to my face.

Just wish I had my family and Rosie here with me.
So ending up crying and it's only just the start of 2014.
Wow this is rubbish.


Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well it's now 2014.... What a rubbish start to the new year!!!
Been feeling so suicidal, depressed an low all today. Had enough now.
I plan to go ahead with my escape plan to et out of this place and then hopefully to run away and get away from all this suffering and all this hurt.
Get strong urges to self harm and got really bad suicidal thoughts... Scared to go talk to the duty nurse as I know she'll stop me from escaping and I can't lie them know I have a plan to get out of here..

I thought 2014 was going to be a new start for me?
Obviously not.

What should I do?
Someone help please?

I need my mum so badly right now

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well it's not been the bet start to the new year I must admit that...
Been feeling so suicidal today and had strong urges to self harm, but did manage to get through the day without hurting myself, but have spent most of today crying my eyes out and feeling so so damn alone and so so worthless, depressed and very low.

I just want everything to be okay again...
Will it ever be okay again though?
Can my life ever be "normal" again?
I don't think so....

I want a "normal" life.
It's not fair

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today has been a little bit of a roller-coaster for me.....
Been feeling suicidal and had urges to self harm, but got through them and distracted myself for a while. Which I am quite proud of for that to be honest with you all.
Also spoken to a duty nurse today and asked her to refer me to some counselling again and she is going to do that. Am starting that sometime in the next week or so.
Also spoken to how about how badly I am feeling lately and she is going to speak with the psych team and get them to asses me again and also have staff members keep an close eye on me for a few days.

Feeling quite proud of myself for the massive change within myself today.
What do you all think?

Also been thinking about taking baby steps to recovery

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well my night has actually ended pretty well actually, which is not normal for me, but finally going to sleep with a little smile on my face(for once after months) eeeeeeek
The only reason I am a little happy and smiley is because I have been on Skype to my cousin for 2 hours straight and seeing her and speaking to her as really cheered me up and she got me smiling

So glad to be going to sleep with a positive attitude for once!!
So proud
Who else is proud of me?
I certainly proud of myself

Thank you for listening.

[Ieris]

That's good news, you're finally opening up and letting people help you. I hope it all works out. It may be baby steps but at least you are going in the right direction.

Nice to see lots of smiles in your post for a change, lets hope there are more of those to come

[CrazyLady17]

Thank you

Actually woke up in a pretty good and happypps for once yaaaaaaay!!!!
see? More smiles

Yes baby steps for now... Will be taking it one day at a time.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today has been a bit of a roller coaster I must admit, however for most of today I have been in a "okay" mood and have been smiling a lot today and also been a little "happy" as well! Yaaaay!! Go me!! So proud of myself actually waking up in a positive mood today and making it a positive day(well sort of)....
Anyway today I have laughed, cried and smiled, but have to say I thought I wouldn't of smiled or laughed for a long while to come, but I was totally wrong about that. I need to start believing in myself and letting people in and opening up to them and accepting all help and support. Agreed? Yes!!

Got to say....
Am going to sleep with a positive attitude tonight and am also going to sleep with a smile on my face too. Have been on Skype again with my cousin and that's cheered me up loads too!

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today's been pretty awesome and happy to be fair.... Woke up in such a happy mood again today! Yaaaaay!! Two days in a row
Been on Skype again to my cousin and also been doing some craft work and done some creative writing. Been quite but and creative today and also kept my mind and myself busy for all those bad thoughts. Finally starting to realise that I CAN fight this depression and that I CAN do anything I set my mind to..

I need to thank some people on here..
They are;
Frame.
Fallen.
4everme.
Stace.
Ieris.
MattyJ
Ihatemylife
You have all made me realise I need to be more positive and have more faith within myself and believe in myself and don't be too hard on myself and stop being so selfish..
So I thank you all. You've made me see ligh at the end do the tunnel

Going to bed once again with a smile on my face. Yaaay!
Let's hope it stays this way.
Just hope I can now find healthier ways to deal with my depression instead of self harm and suicide.. This is my next goal for the next few weeks...

Wish me luck.

Thank you for listening.

[4EverMe]

Abbz,

[CrazyLady17]

Yes 4everme?
Are they smiles I see there? woo
You get my PM from earlier on?

Oh and again thank you

[CrazyLady17]

Well all I have to say right now is.....

I'm in a happy mood again!!! Yaaaay!!
Smiles woo
Woke up feeling happy again... Well am depressed still, but a little happier too

Going to Skype my cousin again later on.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today has been a little up and down for me really.... Had more ups than down, but had a few downs but got through them and came out the other side. So happy I am starting to accept the fact I am depressed and need help, and also starting to accept the fact there is light at the end of the tunnel... Just need to work hard and achieve it, I guess... Eh?
Certainly won't be easy, but I am taking baby steps and taking it one day at a time.... Does certainly work to be fair.

Had a nice chat on Skype again to my cousin ealier on tonight and had fun making so craft stuff today with some other people here. It's been quite an eventful and busy day...

Tomorrow am seeing the pshyc team and crisis team, let's just hope that goes down well.. I hope so.

Going to bed third night in a row smiling yaay!
Proud of myself.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well I have a busy busy busy today ahead of me today argh!!!
Got the pshyc team seeing me soon and then the crisp team seeing me after that, oh lovely! NOT!!
Let's see how this goes down.... Probably not good aha..

Woke up again in a "okay ish" mood and woke up with a smile on my face an I prayed to god and now feel a little better for that.
Thank you GOD

So tired but like I've said I have got a busy day ahead of me...
Probably will end up snapping at someone as I'm so tired lol. Ops!!

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well got to admit today was an okay ish day to say I had a meeting with the crisis team and psych team... They went alright actually, apart from the part where I wanted to scream at them and tell them where to stick it, but I counted to 10 and took some deep breaths and held in my anger.. Am quite proud of myself for that to be fair

Have been feeling a little better today, but also had the odd few suicidal thoughts but magnaged to fight them off and keep myself busy and distracted. Also the urges to self harm are lessing a little(which is a positive step forward I suppose)...

Think I am on the road to recovery but very slowly recovery...

Thank you for listening.