My Journal (Triggering Material)

[CrazyLady17]

Aww thank you Frame, made my day and made me smile

I know it is. Going to go cry myself to sleep now.

[CrazyLady17]

Well I got woken up by some pretty intense and bad thoughts and woke up having a panic attack and crying my eyes out. Don't exactly know what the trigger was for that to happen, but now wide awake and can't get back to sleep and it's pretty early here and I'm so drained and exhausted and I feel pretty poorly and low this morning.
Thinking about trying to cry myself back to sleep again, and hoping I don't wake up again by having another panic attack.

Getting pretty sick and tired of waking up half way through the night, when will I sleep the whole way through?

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today hasn't been the best of days to be honest... Ended up doing some volunteering work at the shelter and then ended up passing out and had to go A&E to be checked over and everything is fine with the baby and of myself(luckily) passed out due to the lack of fluids etc... Since I've been homeless haven't really been eating that much as I don't seem like this is an actual point... Is there? Don't think so hmm...

Tried to contact my parents also again today and guess what?
Got no reply once again! I don't see why I'm trying to make all the effect, when I've done nothing wrong apart from be the best daughter I can be to them, but obviously my best isn't their good enough.

Also self harmed quite a lot today as well, arms now hurt ops
Feel quite tearful tonight and feel panicky and suicidal.
So going to try and cry myself to sleep.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well I'm still in the hospital, oh lucky me! NOT!!
Went last night as I felt so suicidal and wanted to be safe, so I rang 999 and got some help and now in the hospital resting up and getting all the support and help I need right now. Am speaking with the crisis team later on today and am going to have the midwife come check up on the health of the baby and myself.

Had no sleep at all last night and feel so exhausted and feel so drowned it's unreal now..
I've had enough of being so low and so depressed now!
I just want to be better and "normal" again.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well I'm still in the hospital and they are considering sectioning me as I am harming myself badly now and they feel I need to be somewhere safe and be somewhere where I can't and won't harm myself or put myself in any more danger! Flipping hell- can my life get anymore worse seriously?!
Hate hospitals with a passion argh!!

Just want to escape already, run away and hide under the duvet and cry and cry. That's how I feel right now.
I hate life.
I want to die so badly right now.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well it looks like I'll be staying in the hospital for a while now... Oh lovely!
NOT!!
Can't believe they are sectioning me and I'm not allowed to leave until I stop the self harming and get some counselling and get my depression sorted once and for all.
This is such a joke now.

I just want to die.
This isn't fair anymore

Thank you for listening.

[Frame]

Actually Hon, it sounds quite serious. And a big step. It's called intervention.

I suppose, in a vague way I've been praying for this, for you. So you can blame me if it helps. Another thing I'm certain will help (I picked it up from one of your posts) is deep breathing. Yup, Yup.

Be honest with me; if you look back at your posts, you really didn't have any where else to go or anything much better to do. So relax and let the professionals have a go. Wouldn't be nice to feel more comfortable in your skin?

I won't stop praying for you.

Epiphanies come and epiphanies go. But change is here to stay.

[CrazyLady17]

Aww thank you Frame; you are so sweet

I suppose it is what it is eh? I suppose bing sectioned is what I need right now, eh? Would you agree with me here? It's just I don't like hospitals and never will, I feel so blah here.
I actually have an escape plan to get out of here. Is that silly do you think? Will it would?

Okay I get what you are saying here...
Okay I'll sit back and relax and enjoy being looked after... But still don't want to be here

Deep breathing? Yup, you are right!

Aww thank you again, means a lot to me to know you will keep on praying.

[CrazyLady17]

Well it's Christmas Eve and I'm still in this damn hospital feeling so sorry for myself blah blah.
My parents haven't even came to see me and I feel completely alone right now, feel like no-one cares feel like I have nobody to talk to and nobody to be my friend and guide me through my depression.

I tried to escape earlier; didn't work damn it!!!
Want to try and escape again, my only hope to freedom? Isn't it? Yes. Voices in my head, arguing with myself.
Stuff this.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well Christmas Day has finally arrived.... Not looking forward to it at all to be fair, I'm normally so so excited, but this year I'm not. This year is not the same, this year isn't normal, I'm not at home, I'm in hospital!! Spending my Christmas in hospital- not the one I wanted at all to be honest.


I woke up feeling poorly and suicidal.
I want to try and escape this hospital again...
I want to die.
I can't live anymore, it's too painful.
I have to do what's best for me... Right?
Is that being selfish? No? Is it?

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well Christmas Day is nearly over(finally)!!!
Today couldn't of been anymore worse and upsetting..,. Could it? No!
Nobody visited me in hospital, got no presents off my parents? Seriously? Wow I must be so hated by them eh?

Just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.
So glad Christmas is over.

Hope 2014 is a better year for me... Probably not

I want to die.
I need some love? Please? Will anyone give me some hugs?

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well it's now Boxing Day and gotta say today hasn't gone off in a good start at all oh lovely! NOT!!
Miscarried the other twin this morning and now feeling like it's all my fault and like I am the one who should be punished here and not just get away with it. What do you all think? Do you agree with me? I am a monster, I should be dead, I shouldn't be allowed to be alive. Why does god hate me do much? What did I ever do to him? Nothing!

I must be the most hated person on this planet

My parents don't care, and that hurts so much.
I just feel so damn alone and so isolated.
I have reached my breaking point,
Getting sick of being in this hospital now too.

I need some love and hugs? Please?

Thank you for listening.

[drizzle]

You are not a monster and it is not your fault.

Be strong, we are here for you.

(sends hug)

[CrazyLady17]

Aww thank you, made me smile

But if you knew what I was like etc... You would agree with me believe me here. I am a monster and it is all my fault

Thank you again.

(((Hugs back)))

[drizzle]

I would not agree with you

Everyone makes mistakes, that does not make us monsters

Nobody is perfect

If you need to tell someone how you feel, I will listen

(sends hug)